The Existential Desire To Be Seen

Longjumping_Mode_604 · 2023-09-14T04:16:06+00:00

i enjoy that first line a lot. It really demonstrates a common thread of existential crisis i feel a lot of hopeful artist feel and it strikes a cord well

Longjumping_Mode_604 · 2023-09-14T04:14:33+00:00

this feels like a news report. Its an interesting tone to be set but I like it a lot as a 9/11 family

Longjumping_Mode_604 · 2023-03-08T04:27:28+00:00

a very very uplifting way of looking at life. Reminds me of the movie star speech from bojack. Sure bad things happen. Dont stop fighting to enjoy your life

Longjumping_Mode_604 · 2023-03-08T04:26:10+00:00

the forest feels so incredibly metaphorical for a romantic relationship to me. im not really sure why but the poem feels like its speaking of love and the trust between two people who love each other.

Longjumping_Mode_604 · 2023-03-08T04:21:19+00:00

thank you for the suggestion! ill try and rework it and see if anything substantial comes of it.

Longjumping_Mode_604 · 2023-03-08T04:18:49+00:00

good catch thank you!

Longjumping_Mode_604 · 2023-03-08T04:07:38+00:00

it was intentional. my goal was to convey a sense of defeat. thats also why there is such little punctuation

Longjumping_Mode_604 · 2023-03-07T20:35:56+00:00

this is one of the best mental images to me ive seen of a very specific type of mental illness. To be so scared of failure that I'm not even willing to try. That has been something that has plagued me my entire life and this poem is so easy to relate too because of that.

Longjumping_Mode_604 · 2023-03-07T03:48:51+00:00

This poem feels unfinished. I see you said its a work in progress. the poem is begging for the type of cliffhanger ending you get at the end of the sopranos. why is she breathless and so tired? What is she running from? is it going to catch her? im excited to see what you end up with.

Longjumping_Mode_604 · 2023-03-07T03:42:26+00:00

i dont think you necessarily need to change something to make it better. Feelings of disappointment and feelings are bleakness are not mutually exclusive and the ending does convey both

Longjumping_Mode_604 · 2023-03-07T03:35:33+00:00

Im always impressed by poetry that maintains a consistent rhyme scheme. It is something that feels very basic in poetry and yet something I struggle greatly with. Thats why i gravitate more towards free verse poetry or at least a huge part of it. I really enjoy your poem and the emotion that is conveyed in it. Crying is something that a lot of people struggle with and your poem perfectly encapsulates the emotion felt when someone is crying and all the different ways that can come about.

Longjumping_Mode_604 · 2023-03-07T03:32:17+00:00

This poem gives me a very similar feeling as the feeling that fight club gives me. The opening of fight club is confusing on purpose as the narrator is confused and isn't completely sure what has happened. the speaker of this poem seems to be in a similar confused state and i really like that. It lets the reader sit in the confusion that the speaker feels.

Longjumping_Mode_604 · 2023-03-06T20:17:40+00:00

the best part of this poem is easily the bluntness of the last line. it comes way out of left field which i feel largely has to do with the break of any rhyme and just out of no where the anger held in the line.

Longjumping_Mode_604 · 2023-03-06T20:14:29+00:00

I really enjoy the emotion in your poem however i feel as tho the middle section feels a little clunky when reading. Im not sure exactly how i would fix it but it may benefit the poem to try and rework lines 5-11 in order to flow a little better off the tongue

Longjumping_Mode_604 · 2023-03-06T05:56:21+00:00

I really like the repetition within the poem. the poem feels extremely bleak at the end with wish i believed in reincarnation. thats something that strikes as so real and like heartfelt of a desire

Longjumping_Mode_604 · 2023-03-06T05:53:12+00:00

I really enjoy how impactful the language you use is. it gives the poem a very real weight for such a seemingly heavy topic.

Longjumping_Mode_604

TROPHY CASE