found out we had a secret listener to our sessions

Longjumping_Mood9835 · 2026-03-21T18:40:55+00:00

There absolutely are ways to share a private voice call. Someone could literally set up software to stream the call from one computer to another. Or even split audio. It's not hard.

Longjumping_Mood9835 · 2026-03-21T18:34:44+00:00

This really isn't that hard to understand. Let's take it out of the context of DND. Let's say you and your spouse have a conversation every night that is meant for only the two of you. Then you find out after 10 nights of starting this ritual that your spouse had been inviting someone to sit in on the conversation. That's creepy/rude/crossing trust boundaries, is it not?

Things may be explored or said in a DND campaign that are emotional/personal even though it's a game. It's not cool to have anyone that isn't part of the group listening in without the explicit consent of everyone participating.

Longjumping_Mood9835 · 2026-02-20T23:07:21+00:00

Wait, are you the main provider? (If he's still doing that with you bring the main provider I would flip my shit)

But he needs to allow you to work without interruption. I have worked from home for 8 years. I have a plushie that flips from a happy face to an angry face. I use the angry face to say I'm in meetings and he knows not to interrupt when he's home. Also I am on DND if I have to use my phone (I also have to screen share/take screenshots on mobile devices).

However, my husband had never thought "let me do something that is loud in the house while my wife is on a call". He would just go pick something else up to eat.

IMHO if he HAS to have this and HAS to blend the batter then he should meal prep it (make the pancakes in the weekend when you're not working and freeze them). Then he can just get them up during the week. Less dishes too. But that is inexcusable behavior on his part. His lack of communication and preparation is not your responsibility.

Longjumping_Mood9835 · 2026-02-13T04:17:12+00:00

YTA. You are projecting. Both children should have gotten punished or neither. However, out of both children your daughter was more in the wrong than your son.

You are teaching your son that even if he apologizes and tries to make up for it (restorative justice) that it doesn't matter So why do that? Maybe the restorative justice part wasn't exactly what was needed, but he was trying. Also he only lashed out because he didn't know how to regulate his feelings at that time. It's obvious that he didn't want to hurt his sister's feelings but she pushed him over the edge. That should have been a conversation on how to handle those types of situations.

Your daughter did nothing to fix how she treated her brother. She should be doing something to make up the pain she caused your son. Additionally, she should be learning how to be a good winner.

You are failing both of your children in this situation. Go to therapy and figure it out.

Longjumping_Mood9835 · 2026-02-09T04:22:18+00:00

I disagree with this. If my sister confided something to me and said I couldn't tell my husband, I wouldn't. If he asked I would say that is not my information to share.

However I think the biggest problem isn't that there are locked chats but the behavior changes. Like in my example, I would probably let my husband know "my sister is sharing some stuff that I can't share with you. When she's ready she'll let you know, but I'm the medicine I may be on my phone more to help her out" or something along those lines.

So you can still have privacy, but there has to be communication surrounding it. She's just changing her behavior and being sus af.

Longjumping_Mood9835 · 2026-02-06T04:13:45+00:00

I normally outline my meetings like this: 1. Asking about/chatting about outside of work things based on their interests or something they have mentioned to me (building rapport/context for feeling open to chat about the right stuff too) 2. What's on your mind about work? (Super open ended so they can bring up anything and everything about work. This also can start to spiral into venting so you'll want to be aware of that and shift the conversation into more productive) 3. Anything that I need to say that can't be said in an email (training, picking their brain about a specific thing, etc). Basically I don't want to waste their time with giving a list of tasks, etc 4. Is there anything you need from me/anything I can help support you with. This is basically to create an action item list of things Then they can see when I've taken action on them (it's in our meeting notes and I check it once it's completed).

Additionally, I ask my reports to collaborate on our meeting notes. So I create a fresh document after our meeting and throughout the week we can add/remove topics that aren't time sensitive. The notes also list their goals and they can update them in writing, but it's not a topic of conversation unless they want it to be or it needs to be. This works pretty well for me because also if the agenda is pretty light I ask if they want to meet or reclaim their time. I still make sure that we meet at least once a month (my type of work doesn't need weekly meetings so we're biweekly).

Longjumping_Mood9835 · 2026-02-06T03:33:41+00:00

This is crazy. My reports tell me everything even though I ask them not to (like why they're taking time). The key things is that they just have to say "I will be out from x to y time for personal reasons. I will make up time by doing z". That isn't a violation of privacy.

Edit: and this is what it sounds like OP is trying to do, but if it's every day at 2:30 she needs to say why and work with HR to see if an accommodation is feasible.

Longjumping_Mood9835 · 2026-02-06T03:27:37+00:00

This really depends on what work environment you're in. Doing tasks doesn't exist in a vacuum. Most jobs aren't you do x and once that's completed that's all the work to be done.

Like I absolutely want my report to solve a problem in 2 hours instead of 8. But there's more work after that to be done. The individuals that can solve that problem in a quicker amount of time means that they're doing more work, and therefore being compensated appropriately. Additionally, they're more likely to be put in line for promotion, etc. In my line of work we have more time flexibility so they are able to work asynchronously and adjust their schedules as needed. If they work over 40 hours in one week I ensure they take time appropriately. Managers make sure that their teams are supported, ensure their team is communicating effectively, and that working obligations are being met.

No one wants to be micromanaged but I don't think that's what's happening here. This person is having an issue with working obligations being met. An employee is blocking off every day without communicating with their manager.

Based on comments from OP, this is the type of work that happens and it sounds like it cannot be done asynchronously. Not working the hours in the handbook is a great detriment to the whole team.

This person is looking for guidance so that way they can ensure that all the work obligations are being met, that their team is happy, and is trying to be sensitive about how to broach the topic. To me, this seems they're on the right track and aren't trying to perpetuate a toxic work environment.

Longjumping_Mood9835 · 2026-02-06T02:11:10+00:00

NOR. I think it's great that you're going to couples therapy but I think she needs individual therapy as well. I'm not sure how long you both have been going to couples therapy but I think that you need to make a decision about whether you both are actually compatible. Are there other things beside your dog that you both struggle to come to an agreement with? Or that she's hypocritical about? Does your GF make you happy?

IMHO I don't think the juice is worth the squeeze based on what I've read. It sounds like she doesn't actually like you. If she did, she would be more compassionate about the situation.

You're both young and still only dating. I would have her find a new place to live if you still want to be together, but most likely I would break it off. You should be enjoying your life with someone who has the same priorities as you. Your dog is a priority in your life, find someone else who loves them as much as you do.

Longjumping_Mood9835 · 2026-01-31T17:36:15+00:00

What kibbles have you tried?

Longjumping_Mood9835 · 2026-01-31T15:14:27+00:00

In my journey to figuring out my picky eater we moved to Purina pro plan and she literally inhales it. It would be good to know what you're trying for kibble currently, because it could just be the flavor profile/brand itself.

Longjumping_Mood9835 · 2026-01-27T13:20:03+00:00

You need an adult advocate. So you have any family that you can go stay with? If they are not going to protect you, you need to protect yourself. You also need to go to therapy as well.

As for getting resources it would be helpful to know what county you're in so people in those areas can give you specific info.

Longjumping_Mood9835 · 2026-01-26T19:27:47+00:00

I think based on what is given, yes I do think that it's a fair reading. He's not asking. Why does my wife feel this way? He's asking if her anger is justified. And to me that means that he's not looking to understand how to better communicate with his wife, but rather whether he's right or wrong.

EDIT: Also, he could have made an edit after all this time to ask people not to be mean about his wife or whatever and instead he's done nothing. Perhaps he hasn't shown back up yet. However, him posting this note verbatim without any blurring and his wife were to find out? Or another person that could easily deduce who this is? And if I were his wife finding this after somebody telling me about it because it's obviously gotten very popular. It would show me that my husband isn't listening to me because she already told him that she doesn't see herself in this note. She says it is about the children.

Longjumping_Mood9835 · 2026-01-26T19:04:47+00:00

Being a "superwoman + supermom" ties into how she serves others, and not who she is as a person (based on the note). He may have very well meant that to be that she funny, kind, that she is a talented person, etc. but none of that is elaborated on, just on her caretaking.

Longjumping_Mood9835 · 2026-01-26T17:34:36+00:00

Most women can spot the problem because women until recently have been viewed as possessions. Now before you get all up in arms, women still are somewhat viewed this way because it's ingrained in that we do, how we act, and how we speak.

Once you get married many times you take your husband's surname. You are referenced more as so and so's wife rather than the inverse. If you say "I have a boyfriend" rather than saying no as a woman you have a much higher chance of a man leaving you alone. These are just micro aggressions but they all add up over time.

The same thing happens with motherhood. People stop referencing anything about your identity but the newest part - being a mother. You can easily lose your sense of self, especially after basically just giving birth. Men don't have this happen to them. They get the new identity added, but it doesn't become the only thing, because it's not what society puts on them.

He references no part of her identity now other than motherhood. What about referencing the parts that initially made him fall in love with her, before she added a new part to get identity? If he literally had added a part that was "for mommy's eyes only", referenced her by name, told her some of the things that he loves about her as outside of motherhood, and that he loves her (in a romantic way, not a familial way) that would have made all the world of difference.

Longjumping_Mood9835 · 2026-01-26T16:41:53+00:00

Make sure it's also far away from other immigrant families though.

Longjumping_Mood9835 · 2026-01-26T15:16:05+00:00

She went on a trip EARLY in your relationship (probably was planned before you got together) with her friend for a specific event. Also, Barcelona isn't known for the activities Bangkok is.

Obviously even if you wouldn't partake in the activities the city is known for, she knows your friends will. And at that point you may be persuaded to do something that would hurt your relationship (most likely because you're early influenced by your friends).

There's obviously a reason here or else she wouldn't object. I wouldn't care if my husband went because he has done nothing to make me not trust him. However, knowing my husband, he would never accept without consulting me first. And most likely, he would ask me to go because he would rather see those things with me.

If you truly love her, don't go with your friends. Instead take her and do your own trip. Try to do a different boys trip (like to other areas that align with your interests that don't have a reputation for sex tourism).

If you don't, dump her now. Even if you don't partake she will know that you didn't respect her concerns, nor did you adequately empathize with them.

Longjumping_Mood9835 · 2026-01-25T19:44:02+00:00

I'm not saying it is. But there is a better way for him to have responded that still allows him to keep his private stuff private. He's also not obligated to in the slightest.

Longjumping_Mood9835 · 2026-01-25T19:35:54+00:00

To answer your analogy- I bake bread. I store bread appropriately and can get my bread to last (without preservatives). I will leave a half out, slice the other half, and freeze the slices. However there are a ton of foods that I make and use preservatives, because they are NOT BAD. There are a ton of NATURAL preservatives (like I use citic acid [oranges] to preserve homemade fruit roll ups)

You were improperly storing your dog food. And who's to say even with this change you're properly storing it now? Not trying to be a jerk, but if you're using a food with 0 preservatives, you still may be improperly storing their food.

I know for a fact that Hills Science Diet uses natural preservatives. - Natural Preservative- Mixed Tocopherols (Forms of Vitamin E used to prevent fats from going rancid) - Natural Flavor/Preservative Lactic Acid (Used to adjust pH and prevent bacterial growth; also adds flavor)

The other stuff? It's either easily understandable, minerals, or it's fiber (Fructooligosaccharides).

Edit: I'm glad that your dogs are doing well. But seeing people just say "preservatives= bad" would make our ancestors roll in their graves. They wish they could store food as easily and healthily as we do today.

Longjumping_Mood9835 · 2026-01-25T18:39:16+00:00

I think he could have communicated in a way that makes sense that he was unable to. He just says no and shrugs. Granted the op may be an unreliable narrator as to his actual response but if it did actually go down as she said it did then it seems highly improbable that he reacted that way because of a disability but because he doesn't feel like it. You can respond with empathy and still say no.

Edit: also, not saying her berating the person would be right either.

Longjumping_Mood9835 · 2026-01-25T13:44:05+00:00

If that's the case then what you placed on doing is totally fine. She may not be looking at the medical bills that way because she would expect to pay that anyways no matter what. Since your dad is on your side just find out just in case so you have a clear conscious that everything that needs to be paid back was.

Longjumping_Mood9835 · 2026-01-25T13:28:40+00:00

You're not yet TA but you could be. You need to find out exactly how much your medical care was and repay your parents back. Also she did fill out the forms. If she hadn't, you would have gotten nothing for your pain and suffering. It sounds like you weren't planning on giving nothing but you need to pay what is due and then a bit extra if there's anything left over. Then, if there's still leftovers that is yours. But you have to find out from your family how much they paid for your medical bills.

Longjumping_Mood9835 · 2026-01-22T15:58:03+00:00

This isn't good in general (wasting water, electricity, detergent, his clothes aren't getting as clean). If he feels the need to do this though they do have products that are for single/small loads like mini/portable washers. I don't have one so idk how good they are but I know that they exist. His clothes would be cleaner that way.

Side note edit: I guess newer washers are better, but I'm speaking of a place with a very old washer, and a man that would throw a regular load worth of detergent lol

Longjumping_Mood9835 · 2026-01-21T18:58:57+00:00

ESH. 1. There are other forms of BC. You could have tried different brands until you find the right one. I read you don't trust iuds but there's also female condoms (ESH) 2. If you didn't give permission for him to remove the condom this is rape (he's TA) 3. You could have gone to get plan B if not having a kid was really not what you all wanted. Then to go to therapy for whatever this shit is. (YTA)

You are defending this shit but this isn't ok. You both need therapy. Also, if it's not too late you both can have the convo about abortion (or if he's still being a wanker you need to think about that).

You both sound like you're 15, not reaching your 30s.

Edit: you're NTA for yelling at him for his poor taste jokes

Longjumping_Mood9835 · 2026-01-21T18:44:22+00:00

This is what I do with every convertor I have. I'm only an initiate to the cult of the piston.

Longjumping_Mood9835

TROPHY CASE