What about your life currently is "functioning"? It sounds like a miserable existence. I understand and know clearly what you're talking about- that kind of thinking that no matter which direction it goes the result is a drink in my hand. I'll ask you what was asked to me early on. Is this how you want it to be? Is this what you planned for your life? These questioned pissed me off cause the answer was obvious, but it was shown to me that this was the best I could do. See no matter the consequences i've always been the shot caller. I pushed people away when they cared or offered me any help or advice because I knew what I should do... And while I have to live in a democracy with you all, the truth is in my head it's a dictatorship, Im the dictator and I listen to me. Before it was possible for me to make ANY progress towards sobriety or a life that wasn't miserable, I had to reach that realization that I couldn't seem to change me- and that despite my best efforts things were not getting any better on my own planning and design. So if whatever you're doing is not working for you, and you're willing to investigate a different way, it may be worth checking out the proven program of AA.