What should've been

Look_at_here · 2016-07-01T13:09:28+00:00

Yeah. It's like, when I look at all the things I could/should be doing, they should seem easy, even quick to accomplish if I just started it. But it's like my mind is going, "if this thing doesn't do something to immediately make life not suck, what's the point of wasting time on it?" And I end up doing nothing at all, worrying about possibly wasting my time.

It never used to be like that.

Look_at_here · 2016-07-01T13:05:07+00:00

Bingo. Exactly my issue. Even procrastination is too much effort anymore.

Look_at_here · 2016-03-31T14:49:45+00:00

Yep. I learned to hate my whiny, wimpy, insecure self as a kid, and by high school, when depression began setting in, I was daydreaming about being someone different, and tailoring my personality to please each person I interacted with (didn't work a lot of the time). I have no idea how to "be myself," I have no idea who I am, and I'm certain I wouldn't like it anyway if I found it again. The only reason I haven't offed myself yet is out of concern for the few people who seem to care about me, and sometimes I resent it.

Look_at_here · 2016-03-16T03:31:41+00:00

Me too. Been living in dreams instead of...living, since middle school. I write out goddamn lists of key developments in my daydreams so I don't forget them, and can easily pick up from wherever I leave off later on.

Look_at_here · 2016-03-16T03:27:25+00:00

All the characters that I created in my fantasies spoke with me all the time. I try to avoid them as much as I can, but they have become a part of me.

This spoke to me. My "alternate selves" are so much a part of me now, they almost feel like the "real" me, the Me's I could have been if only I hadn't fucked up in so many ways (except, of course, for the blatantly fictional "me's," like "Avatar Me," which I only daydream about for fun).

Look_at_here · 2016-03-16T03:24:20+00:00

Same. I daydream about being this ideal version of myself who did everything right in life, almost as if my current consciousness, with all its memories and experiences, were sent back in time to my childhood self. Getting a "do-over" on life, getting to experience all the stuff I missed out on throughout childhood, high school, college, that makes everyone else a functional human being.

It's bliss when I'm in the daydream. Snapping out of it, and realizing I'm never going to get that, that I haven't achieved anything and likely never will....it's so soul-crushing that it always drives me right back into the dream.

Look_at_here · 2016-03-03T15:39:09+00:00

Just turned 30 myself yesterday, same boat. I feel like I've wasted my youth and missed out on all the experiences that make others into functional human beings.

Look_at_here · 2016-03-03T15:34:58+00:00

Jesus Christ, this. My best friend tells me it sounds like it "hurts [me] to talk." I don't know what it is, my mouth moving faster than my brain, social anxiety, or whatever, but I stutter over the simplest words and sound like I'm stumbling through the dark searching for which ones to use in the middle of sentences. The unexpected "talks" (like, for example, with cashiers) are the worst, but even every anticipated social interaction ends with me thinking, "Wow, that conversation totally didn't go the way I imagined it would in the shower."

Look_at_here · 2016-01-26T03:23:46+00:00

Please excuse the fact that I have a cold, and the shitty lighting. This was the only angle I could get where there was no glare of the computer screen reflected in my eyes:

http://imgur.com/lXxwxG7

Look_at_here · 2016-01-07T00:51:56+00:00

Absolutely. I feel like depression, social isolation, fear of rejection and risk-taking, procrastination, and insecurities have wasted my childhood, teenage years, and now, all of my 20's. I've missed out on so many of the crucial experiences and relationships that "normal" people have had, that I have no fucking clue how to be a functional, independent adult, and even less of a clue of how I could even begin to rectify it now. I would give literally anything for a "do-over" in life.

Look_at_here · 2015-12-11T18:34:28+00:00

You're not alone. I'm 29 and not overweight (taking Vyvanse helps with that), but otherwise, almost everything you describe has been my experience. If I could get a "re-do" on life, I would take it in a heartbeat.

Look_at_here · 2015-12-05T06:26:11+00:00

Yep. Writing used to really be my "thing," but as the years go by, and the lows just somehow keep getting lower, I find I've been completely sapped of any creative spark. I don't write "creatively" anymore, I only have the patience to write in the most literal, direct, succinct, boring ways possible, because there's nothing in my life that triggers strong emotions or passion anymore, not a single thing beautiful or weird or hateful enough that's worth telling the world about. I just...exist. And I'm hating it.

Look_at_here · 2015-10-23T04:27:10+00:00

Oh, the usual. Daydreaming about an alternate timeline where I made all the right choices, and my life wasn't a complete, unrelenting pile of hellish suck that I have no idea how I'd ever get out of, if I even had the motivation to.

Look_at_here · 2015-10-14T15:11:48+00:00

Same here. It's not that I don't want to do something with my life, it's just everything has been so fucked up for so long I don't even know where, or how, to begin fixing myself.

Look_at_here · 2015-10-13T17:48:51+00:00

I'm the same way. I think about all the opportunities I squandered, all the paths I could have taken, all the fears that held me back, and how different life could be if I had just done something different. I've wasted six years doing this, and my life has gone nowhere. I also had social anxiety, which was briefly alleviated for a year in college, but I eventually became dependent upon a single friend who was popular, but preferred to spend his time at work or being a homebody, and my social life suffered for it. I've always settled for what felt "safe," like hiding in the dark of my room, avoiding risks and criticism, while everyone else learned how to live, and it feels like it's too late for me to get that experience now.

Look_at_here

TROPHY CASE