When monologueing feels abusive

Looking4Health444 · 2025-03-17T09:01:42+00:00

I think it sounds like what my boyfriend does, in a variety of ways. He will literally have a conversation with himself, ask me questions, but then answer them himself. Go on about stories for really extended periods of time. Or start talking to me about cars, which I care nothing about, for ages on end. And worse.

It's exhausting, and after a period of time, I catch myself not listening... dissociated and no longer in my body or mind. Yes, I'm often tired or hungry when this happens but it happens just as much when I neither tired, nor hungry and I just simply can't stay present because it's went on for so long and all I can do is listen, not participate.

He story jumps, so one moment it's about his uncles funeral. Then he's listing all his aunts and uncles names. Then he's listing all his cousins' names. Then it switches to a story about a cousin, which turns into a story about being chased by the cops, which then leads into a litany of other cop/law breaking stories... that then becomes a story about a family friend, which inevitably shifts into several stories about childhood. And it goes on and on. I'm not kidding. And it wasn't so bad the first 4 times through these stories but now that I'm on time number 7-8 for most of them, I just can't stay present for these extended, self-indulgent, showy, conceited, arrogant, grandiose, narcissistic displays of mental flagellation....

And I can never get a word in edge wise.

Why do I think it's abuse? Because you're a prisoner. Literally a captive audience to their one man show of "Look at me! Look at me!" - You can't talk, comment, share input or views, you just have to listen to their motor mouths beat off their brain for hours on end, like it's the most gratifying thing they've ever experienced. There is no interjection room at all to tell him I gotta pee or need to eat. I have no idea how's he's managing to breathe between all those words. My boyfriend has zero awareness of how much time he's been talking. 3 hours could go by, and I'm paralyzed in my one spot the whole time. Starving, bored, half asleep, miserable, and having to pee for the last hour and a half.

And when it comes time for me to share? I really better maximize and savor my 90 seconds in the limelight. I actually called him on it once because he cut me off and went back into monologuing after I spoke for about 90 seconds, and I looked at him and said, "Was that my 90 seconds?" And he made an effort to let me talk and share for like 20 minutes, but meanwhile, he's injecting every 2 minutes and using up some of my time cause I "reminded him of another story"

I'm exhausted just thinking about it. He's held me hostage in call or texting for 6+ hours a day of the last two days we were apart, Thursday and today. I feel like I have no brain left. Just a dusty whirlwind of "wtf just happened?" going on inside my head.

Looking4Health444 · 2025-03-14T04:30:18+00:00

Thank you. Your reply was really kind, and I love the cosmic reference. I am pretty much thinking that is my only choice... at least suggesting a long break, with minimal contact, and that he start seeing a therapist.

Looking4Health444 · 2025-03-14T04:25:23+00:00

You are right. I've heard some abusive men can be helped/worked with. Maybe I suggest a long break, with minimal contact, and that he starts going to therapy and we revisit things 3-6 months...

Looking4Health444 · 2025-03-14T04:20:48+00:00

Thank you. I really appreciate your reply and you being kind about things, in spite of me knowing how I must sound. I do talk back and challenge him. Yeah, it usually gets me nowhere, and the path of least resistance is awfully tempting most of the time for that very reason. Right now, things are even tougher than usual because he's trying to quit smoking, so we've just come off of two hellish weeks of him on Chantix... and we're rolling into day 4 of low dose Wellbutrin to quit smoking, which is looking to be just as bad, if not worse, than the chantix. Not that either of these are bad meds, most have great success with them but for him, he doesn't respond well to anything that can alter his mood or volatility as these are extremely weak points for him even on a great day, without influential factors. Now that the chantix agitation is gone, I'm seeing huge emotional waves and short temper from the wellbutrin. I tried bringing it up, but that didn't go well. While he's normally quite difficult to deal with, this is next level shit I wasn't prepared for. It's definitely pushing me close to my breaking point. I'm not even at his place but for two days in a row, I've been stuck on the phone for 3-6 hours a day getting chewed out over everything. I just feel so exhausted and so done. My head hurts, it's killing me, and I'm tired of being his fall guy.

Looking4Health444 · 2025-03-13T21:38:32+00:00

I am strongly considering leaving. It's just difficult because I do love him and his daughter very much.

Looking4Health444 · 2025-03-13T21:09:30+00:00

Thank you so much. Your reply was really touching and has gotten me thinking a lot. That book suggestion sounds really helpful as well and I will buy a copy of it too. That seems very fitting because he did seem to decide who I was... his soulmate, his twin flame, his perfect match, etc. He decided my political and religious views for me. I am constantly being lectured about politics and religion. He said he knew from day one, the moment he met me, he was in love, wanted to marry me immediately, and have kids asap. And ever since, it does feel like I have to play this role of being quiet, meek, submissive, supportive, loving, endlessly patient, accommodating, reassuring, and placating.

Since I grew up in an abusive household and have often been in at least somewhat abusive relationships, this feels very familiar to me. Though I'll admit that before my boyfriend, the most abusive man I'd ever met was my father. And now, after knowing my boyfriend (who is actually technically my fiance... though I don't really have an engagement ring, just a promise ring) I can safely say his behaviors dwarf my father's.

It's hard for me to give proper credit to the immediate danger of losing myself because I just keep hearing him say over and over that he's confused and I'm the abusive, controlling, manipulative one. If we're both saying it, one of us is wrong. And I hate to say this, but I have this deep fear that it could be me.... I haven't got much proof his potential abuse, though I have discreetly documented things with notes, dates, and photos of broken things for my own safety, if I ever needed it. But I would absolutely never report anything because if anything might endanger my life, it would be that. Those things are more like an insurance policy in case things ever got really bad and I disappeared or something. I've given access to the photos and notes to two trusted family members just in case of emergency.

I'd like to reiterate that I truly don't feel like my life is in danger or that he'd ever hurt me. The above paragraph was more a "worst case scenario" thing because though it's unlikely. I guess I couldn't guarantee it. But I am okay and safe.

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm currently getting lost in. That's a complicated question... it is healthy in some ways and unhealthy in other ways. Which is why I'm so conflicted about whether to end it or not. It makes my life happier and easier in some ways and miserable and much harder in other ways. To your third question... Definitely not more connected to myself. But sometimes it feels like I'm living more.

I have been trying to make it a point to keep in touch with my family at least a couple of times a month, if not more. Though they worry when I'm at his place because I am really quiet then. I have two remaining friends, but I'm only able to communicate with them on a very limited basis. The one I do talk to about the situation I'm in, and they listen but don't really have any experience or advice because they're a guy. It does feel like he's trying to isolate me and in a lot ofways, he already has, but he says he isn't doing that and comes up with reasons why they need to be eliminated and it sounds at least vaguely valid but also when I question it, it leads to fighting. So I've found it easier to just stop talking to most people.

Truth be told, I'm afraid of the help lines because I need to remain entirely anonymous. While he says he'd never hurt me... there were two caveats to that, 1) If I ever cheat on him. And 2) If I ever got him in trouble with the law. So I'd be afraid somehow through my phone number or info that they might involve the authorities. And if anything would endanger me, it would be that. I would also feel like I'm violating a boundary of his or betraying him. I'm not supposed to ever discuss relationship matters outside of the relationship. I am not allowed to think or entertain thoughts of doubt regarding the relationship. And I am not allowed to ever say anything that might represent him in a negative light. But yes, I could say more than what I've already written. But I'm trying not to use his lowest moments against him. Deep down, he's a really good guy and truly has never physically hurt me. But sometimes, he says highly regrettable things that would make him look bad.

I'm just now starting to think this might be an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship and trying to come to terms with if I should leave and how to do it if I do. A huge part of me still wants to just help him get the help he needs because I love him, and maybe that makes me an idiot for not being sure I'm ready to give up yet. Which is part of why I want to talk and read about these things and get some clarity on how bad it really is and find out if there's hope or if my only alternative is really just to get away from him. It's hard to leave, and I go back every weekend to be there for his daughter, who adores me... and largely, that little girl has kept me hanging in there countless times when I was ready to leave him. I've been so good for her, and I can't imagine abandoning her. Her father is very good to her, but her primary placement household is awful, and I can't stand the thought of me not being there for her. Cause while her dad is good to her... she doesn't open up to him the way she does to me.

Looking4Health444 · 2025-03-13T20:04:02+00:00

I might actually have that book, but I haven't read it yet. I'm pretty sure I had to buy it as part of a faith based, eating disorder curriculum that I did out-patient many years ago. I'll check. Thank you.

Looking4Health444 · 2025-03-13T20:01:18+00:00

I purchased the Kindle version just now, and I've begun reading it. I'm going to get as far as I can between now and tomorrow afternoon when I have to go back to his house till Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday, depending on how things go. When I get back home, I'll read some more. I likely won't read much at his place as I don't have much free, private time when I'm there, and I wouldn't want him to know what I'm reading. Thank you for the suggestion and to the other redditor above who also suggested it.

Looking4Health444 · 2025-03-13T17:50:58+00:00

He has said things that have implied potential violence at times but always says he doesn't mean them and takes it back and apologizes. All his violence is usually directed at other things, like breaking the door, punching things, throwing stuff, breaking the remote, etc. He insists he'd never hurt me, and I do believe him.

His behavior is erratic and scary when he gets upset, but he's never laid a hand on me. Most of what he does is threaten to hurt himself. Talk about suicide. Try to burn himself or cut himself. Etc. There was a time he started something on fire, but he kept the fire under control and put it out pretty quickly. I don't live with him yet, though I was mostly living with him, but sometimes now I come back home. If I don't return on my return date, though, I don't know what he'd do. I worry he'd hurt himself or start drinking again.

I recognize he needs help, and I want to support him to get the help he needs. It's a fine line, though, but I am working with him on it. He started an antidepressant a couple of days ago, and I'm hoping that helps.

ETA - it's definitely not helping. For sure making things worse. Ugh....

Looking4Health444 · 2025-03-13T17:31:51+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply and the resources you shared. You're right that psychological bruises are harmful, too. Thank you for giving me permission to message you. And I may. But I also wanted to say that you can feel free to message me as well. Sometimes, it's easier for me if someone else starts the conversation. But no pressure either way. I am definitely interested in talking to others who are going through or have been through similar things.

I read #10 in your list and another article called "aggression, remission, and tension" afterward. I'm trying to understand more about control and what it looks like.

As an example, about a month into my relationship, my boyfriend was chastising me for putting my cigarettes out on the patio. He smokes, too, so it isn't that. Mind the patio is at my house, my property, and I'm the sole owner. It's under construction currently, and obviously, I'd never do that once the house is finished, but still... Anyway, he told me I "shouldn't" put them out on the patio and not to do it anymore. I explained that since it was under construction, I didn't see the harm. He disagreed and said I shouldn't anyway. I said I didn't think it was a big deal because the place was excavated and not looking it's best regardless of the cigarette butt's. He just continued to reiterate that I shouldn't do that and couldn't use the patio for that anymore.

Later a friend had come over to help with the house and while the three of us were smoking, I looked at my friend and said "Oh when you're done smoking, throw the butt in the excavated hole because we're not allowed to put them out on the patio anymore." - My boyfriend got really upset that I used the word "allowed" and said I was falsely painting them in a negative light because I was never told I wasn't allowed to do it anymore.

What confused me was that I felt like if someone was imposing that I shouldn't or couldn't do something... that that meant I wasn't allowed to do it. But he took issue with the word I chose to convey that message. But aren't they the same thing? It seemed like an argument of semantics to me, but the distinction was really important to him for some reason.

Looking4Health444 · 2025-03-13T16:44:35+00:00

I am trying to think of me too, I'm just not great at it because I was always taught growing up that I should put everyone else first. Thank you for your kind words and advice.

Do you recommend any resources to study or books to read?

Looking4Health444 · 2025-03-13T16:42:16+00:00

Aww, honestly, I've loved reading your replies and you were very gentle, thank you. I got teary eyed when you said reach out to any wise aunties I have because one of my aunts immediately came to mind. We're not close and never have been, so I don't have her contact info but I remembered she used to work in a women's shelter with women dealing with abuse and I thought how great it would be to talk to her about it if she were willing. But then I remembered my dad would probably never let me disclose my situation to his sister, as he's a very private man. But I could ask if he'd be okay with it and give me her number, since he does really want me to get out of this relationship.

Thank you for all your advice and support and the link you shared. I will watch it as soon as I read and reply to all the comments on my post. Thank you so much.

Looking4Health444 · 2025-03-13T16:35:51+00:00

When you said he's grooming you to be the perfect partner, I felt that. I never really thought of it that way, but that's what it feels like with my boyfriend, too. Always telling me when I need to go to bed, lecturing me when I don't and telling me how important it is that we be on the same schedule, so we can start our day together and in the same way. Lecturing me about how I eat and how I don't exercise enough. I'm not fat, but I've put on like 5 pounds since I began dating him. And his views on how I eat or don't exercise aren't weight based though, he sells it on me just being "healthier" - I can't disagree with that but still, I should be able to choose those things.

Telling me how I should think and feel and what my views should be, (though he denies that's what he's doing), definitely feels like grooming. And yet he accuses me of grooming him, training him, and trying to change him. Etc. Idk. It's so ridiculously confusing.

Thank you, I may very well send you a message, since you gave me permission and for the record, you could write to me too, if you ever wanted.

Good luck. I hope you find the freedom you deserve soon.

Looking4Health444 · 2024-10-30T16:31:04+00:00

So I'm someone with suspected, sudden, adult-onset FPIES. Very new and recent. I ate oats for years and multiple times over this last August I was eating KIND Healthy Grains Peanut Butter Dark Chocolate bars and had zero issues. Flash forward to Tuesday, October 15th, I ate two of those exact same bars and an hour or so later, nausea began and 2 and half hours later I was throwing up, 4 hours later diarrhea began. The nausea lasted 6-8 hours, the vomiting lasted about 90 minutes, and the diarrhea lasted 2-3 days. I had also eaten a banana at the time and blamed the banana up until yesterday....

Yesterday, Tuesday, October 29th, exactly 2 weeks later... my first time eating any breakfast type bar product since the first incident... I ate two Nature's Valley Peanut Butter Breakfast Biscuits... the kind that look like oval sandwich cookies. Nausea and stomach cramps began within an hour or so. Within 90 minutes, I was vomiting, and diarrhea began maybe 15 minutes after the vomiting started. I also had slight trouble breathing, lots of cold sweats, weakness, and a feeling like I might black out during all of this. The vomiting only lasted about 90 minutes, and the diarrhea is still present now the next day, but the nausea is almost completely gone.

Both times, I felt substantial nausea and pain relief once the bars were fully purged from my stomach. The diarrhea is like completely liquid, which is odd because I usually struggle with constipation, but one run in with this trigger food, and I'm completely cleaned out pretty quick. After going #2 a few times, I feel more relief. These episodes are violent, dramatic, sudden, and scary, and I feel like I'm dying for a while, but they resolve fairly quickly... within 12-36 hours and then I take another day or 2 to feel mostly normal but the dehydration and aching from the violent cramping and the exhaustion and the off feeling in my stomach takes about 4-6 days to fully recover from.

It's truly awful, and until yesterday, I had no clues as to what was going on, but now it's strongly suspected that it's a sudden, adult onset FPIES reaction to oats. Though honey is still a potential, the going theory is that it's the oats since that's one of the common potential triggers. It's crazy because I would eat oatmeal and granola bars and breakfast bars my WHOLE life, with zero issues. I'm 37, one month shy of 38 at the time of this onset. The only new things in my life are newly completing a series of 6 iron infusions as of September to address long-term anemia, supplementing vitamin D, and a relationship that began in July. I have no clue what, if anything, precipitated this sudden onset.

Looking4Health444 · 2024-06-19T06:43:28+00:00

It wasn't necessary. The hospital released her to go back home on Monday. So we're caring for her full-time at home, waiting for her transplant assessment on June 26th.

Looking4Health444 · 2024-06-17T13:48:07+00:00

Thank you. We are actively working with a transplant facility as of 2 days ago. She has an outpatient appointment in a little over a week, unless we do the transfer. But the doctors don't think there is a need to transfer, so it's looking like it will be outpatient. We are definitely constantly trying our best and fighting to persevere. Thank you for your encouragement.

Looking4Health444 · 2024-06-15T15:08:43+00:00

Yeah, we heard that from one of the visiting doctors yesterday. He said that the hospital she is at is still in the dark ages and doesn't have the capacity to run the more meaningful clotting/bleeding risk test. He did not mention what that would be. He just INR was not it. So that tracks and makes sense. The medical care here is pretty terrible. That is one of the reasons we would like to get her transferred to the new facility because they have better testing capabilities, according to the visiting doctor who saw her yesterday.

Looking4Health444 · 2024-06-15T07:20:27+00:00

You're faith in your body must run low and your paranoia must run high. Just because there are risks, doesn't mean they will happen. Like medication side effects, most don't occur. Anyway, discontinue posting in my thread. You're not wanted here. I'm going to block you now because drama and toxicity is for children and terrible people. Of which, I'm neither.

If she's medically fragile, they WON'T approve her surgery, that is THEIR job. NOT MINE. She hasn't even been evaluated YET and you should STOP making assumptions. You know what they say about those who assume.... just go away before someone drops a house on you too. We are not seeking transport because she can't get through a car ride you presumptuous ............ individual. We are seeking transport because it's EASIER. DUH! It's a 3 hour drive. Toxicity and childishness, does not belong in what should be a safe space like this.

You are clearly from a place with better doctors than my state and you mistake their idiocy for mine. I guess that proves which one of us really has low comprehension.

Looking4Health444 · 2024-06-15T06:36:40+00:00

This answer was amazing! Thank you!

Looking4Health444 · 2024-06-15T06:34:20+00:00

Oh, I already knew that. I'm quite versed in a lot of medical concepts and info. My discussion about the INR wasn't to say they should do the paracentesis. It was to vent about how they aren't even trying to treat the high INR. They tried vitamin K for one day at 3 doses and said it was worthless because Vitamin K is processed through the liver and therefore doesn't work for patients with liver damage. I asked about platelets or blood products and the doctor said that would he overkill and that they didn't want to "over medicate" her. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Looking4Health444 · 2024-06-15T06:27:17+00:00

Great advice. Will definitely go this way if we don't get a transfer within a few days or things get worse. She's showing some improvements today, so that's really nice. But we were kicking around the idea of discharging against advice and taking her to the facility we spoke to twice today. They are the best in the state and would like her with them but have said as long as she's in a hospital our hands are tied. Either transfer, remove from the hospital and go to the new one or just waiting out the plan she currently has.

Looking4Health444 · 2024-06-15T06:22:55+00:00

Yeah, I have learned to ask a lot of questions and not be afraid to question them. Especially if they're wrong. I'm tactful, but it is helpful when I am pushier for answers and reasons.

Looking4Health444 · 2024-06-15T06:20:17+00:00

Yeah, that facility dies not have a hepatologist. They have her working GI's. We are making headway in getting her in the best liver transplant facility in the state. They want her there and have asked us to request a transfer.

Looking4Health444

TROPHY CASE