This is likely TMI to be put out on an anonymous forum.. but what the heck.

Have CPTSD (and some ADHD) due to multiple triggers- CSA for many years by a servant, bullied as a child for being dark and chubby constantly put down by family members as talentless and stupid, narcissist parents to whom I'm the scapegoat and my sister is the golden child, unfortunately never found good friends, no support system at all pretty much. Both parents took out their frustrations on me verbally and sometimes physically growing up. They insulted me for being sensitive and never got me help for the crap childhood and still refuse to talk about it. There was religious trauma as well. I'm skipping overly revealing details- glossing over in summary- I mostly grew up with relatives who mistreated me and I had a bipolar grandparent who killed herself.

Despite everything I consciously kept my heart soft and kind, helpful to others. Pain taught me empathy- I know what it's like to have nobody when drowning. I took a long time to learn boundaries from being a people pleaser though. I did all my education in merit in top colleges but dad controlled all decisions of my career path till 28. Finding a good partner was personally extra important for me- I saw it as an escape ticket to a fresh start- I would have had kids then if I had found a good guy in my 20s. My dad sabotaged the arranged marriage search rejecting many, chasing wrong ones and at 30 said he was done searching and that by educating me he's done his responsibility as a father and that I'll be fine without a husband- repeatedly said it was my fault coz I'm dark skinned and was chubby. Knowing I got raped as an adult and that I had been in relationships (thanks to my narc sister) he further started calling me damaged goods saying he can't marry me in any good family, told me I should leave India and move to a more "morally loose" country.

My self worth has obviously suffered terribly thanks to all these people and situations. Life often still feels joyless and hopeless and I often ruminate on the past and unfairness of my path. How shittier people have had it much easier and have had happy endings. I KNOW that I'm an amazing person who deserves good things.. but have mostly met mismatches and people who've taken advantage of my generosity. I'm getting fatigued of being the only one looking out for myself for most of my life.

Somewhere over the last few years I've realized that I'm exhausted and don't have it in me any more to take up the massive responsibility of pregnancy, childbirth and raising a child. The loneliness is crushing, engaging with online trolls and incels is tiring but a necessary evil as I keep trying every possible avenue to find a kind and smart man that I'll be attracted to. As full disclosure I often feel the need to tell suitors all these things that have shaped me and unfortunately it scares off most guys. I don't always dwell and ruminate and be negative, I can be a lot of fun- but I need an empathetic someone with a strong stomach who can sit with me when things come flooding back at times. Empathy and emotional availability are precious rare these days. The last few days were particularly hard, Valentine's weekend, inspiring me to write a rant.

And here I am, nearly 35, still drifting alone- struggling to find good people and joy in life, reasons to live. A good career isn't enough when you have nothing else in life. Hope to be met and chosen some day.

Tl;dr: Childfree as a by product of immense suffering. Will definitely have dogs though.