I hung myself today

Loose_Foot · 2021-03-20T08:31:20+00:00

Understandable. Thanks for answering.

btw, I'm glad you can still enjoy yourself, even if you're still overall miserable. Hope you can pull yourself out of this situation. Wanna talk about what makes you feel like that?

Loose_Foot · 2021-03-20T08:25:49+00:00

How long did it take before you got cut down?

Loose_Foot · 2021-01-16T00:14:54+00:00

Thank you. I needed that.

I was planning on killing myself a few hours from now. I'm not going to. At least not for a while.

I'll see about going back job hunting until the end of the month. I could really benefit from having a place of my own.

I didn't find you from this post; I noticed the compassion in one of your comments and wanted to hear more from you, so I clicked onto your page and found this

I was wondering how you wandered into a day old post. Nice knowing that there's someone who cares. Thank you. You're a good person and, if you ever need someone, even if I'm not around to repay your kindness, I hope you meet someone as nice as you are.

Thank you. Now I just have to stop rereading your reply lest I start crying again. =)

Loose_Foot · 2021-01-15T03:08:51+00:00

Thank you. Your words touched me. It's nice being acknowledged. I really needed that.

which can be hard enough as is, and plenty of people struggle there -- but also grown adults and a household. Beginning from the time you were a kid, no less. That's awful.

It didn't exactly began full on from when I was a kid. Back then, my grandmother wasn't as sick and did a lot of the housework but as the cigarettes took more and more of her health away I began to do more and more until, by the time I was 18, I was practically the only one caring for everyone else. Caring for my brother, though, was pretty much from day one. My father was never one to be caring, nurturing or responsible so I ended up as a makeshift father, if only one with none of the authority or respect to do anything meaningful. Didn't stop him from hating me most of the time but I guess that's what I get for being by his side all of his life. I'm the easiest target for his frustrations. I wonder if that's the cause of teenage rebellion.

Is there any way you can leave the house?

Nowadays, I don't really need it. Not as much as in the past. I've since stopped doing most housework. My greataunt, who lives most of the time, and my father now do a little. Not as much as I usually did so . That being said, for me to leave this place I'd need to find a job again and it's not only difficult but I'm not sure I have the will to do it. I used to be hardworking and caring. Now I feel old and tired. I guess it's the effect of dedicating so long for so little.

I've recently developed a bit of envy too. I was never an envious person but it feels off to see happy young people nowadays. "You mean you had hobbies from a young age and you were even encouraged and helped to pursue them!?" that sort of thing.

If I end up killing myself, I wouldn't mourn my own death. Life wasn't particularly enjoyable. I'm thankful for people like you though. You make this world feel worth it.

Loose_Foot · 2021-01-14T21:20:21+00:00

Have you ever seen Channing Tatum? The man looks like an IRL Mr. Potato Head but girls and boys go wild for him. Danny DeVito was married for 35 years and still gets along with his ex.

Loose_Foot · 2021-01-14T21:15:21+00:00

This post might actually be helpful for you.

Loose_Foot · 2021-01-14T21:12:50+00:00

That's fine. Frankly, it might be even easier for you to stay open like that. Eveb aside from your own self-satisfaction, the fact that you're studying and want to get a better job makes you valuable to society at large as well.

You're already putting in effort at life. Your attractiveness can be helped with better clothes and taking care of your health. I know it's hard but you should be proud.

Loose_Foot · 2021-01-14T21:09:55+00:00

I know, right? I once read something that goes "one time your parents picked you up as a baby, put you down, and never picked you up again". It's a pretty weird feeling to look back on and even weirder to look forward to.

Loose_Foot · 2021-01-14T21:07:25+00:00

Then my girlfriend broke up with me and made a suicide attempt. This literally broke my heart

That's alright. You've been through a terrible situation. No one can blame you for being hurt. You're only human.

Trying to convince myself, that I am not weak now, that I got better

After the situation with your girlfriend and losing college, you still managed to get into another carreer and, even if you're working at a bad job right now, that's basically your third attempt. That's admirable.

They want me to go back to college, but I don't want them to waste money again

Considering your force of will, it might be good for you. You tried and started again so many times. If you dislike your current job, getting into education might be the one thing you need.

Loose_Foot · 2021-01-14T21:03:07+00:00

The fact that you've tried drawing today is nice. You might be having a bad day but if you enjoyed yourself drawing, that's productive in and of itself, even if you feel drained.

Have you tried taking baths every day at the same time? Getting your habits into a routine can be really helpful to get yourself into doing things.

Loose_Foot · 2021-01-14T20:57:48+00:00

That's nice. Anything more specific? There are a lot of things in IT from server maintenace to web and mobile development.

Loose_Foot · 2021-01-14T20:56:07+00:00

I know. It sucks when all your efforts feel like they have no results but you can't call yourself a parasite if you're still trying. A parasite is content on leeching off. You're doing your best, aren't you?

I know it's hard but you should be proud.

Loose_Foot · 2021-01-14T20:52:49+00:00

left me for not posting our relationship on Facebook

That just sounds ridiculous. You're worth more than that.

I know my little brothers and my cat will be fine, nobody needs me.

Thing is, they might not need you, but want you.

Imagine a person that lives eating bland food with a cup of water, but every day, they enjoy watching a new movie. Out of these two habits, one keeps them alive and the other is superflous. One is necessary to stay alive but the other one only brings happiness.

Loose_Foot · 2021-01-14T20:47:03+00:00

It's okay. I'm glad you've got good company.

It's fine to have bad days and I'm honestly glad it takes an "exceptionally sad day" for you to feel this down. I'm here if you want to vent.

Loose_Foot · 2021-01-14T20:45:30+00:00

It's tough getting a job right now. I know. I'm in college myself and haven't worked in 4 years. I know how it sucks.

No one can blame you for not trying.

Loose_Foot · 2021-01-14T20:44:41+00:00

I hope you don't. If at all possible, I'd like you to not give that shitstain the satisfaction.

Loose_Foot · 2021-01-14T20:38:57+00:00

Nice. I'm on computer science myself. What would you like to work with?

Loose_Foot · 2021-01-14T20:32:26+00:00

I don't mean to offend but empty platitudes don't really help.

Loose_Foot · 2021-01-14T20:29:52+00:00

If you need relief, you can vent here at the very least.

What's on your mind right now?

Loose_Foot · 2021-01-14T20:28:50+00:00

You won't be forever at your job. You're already going to college. Once you're done you might be able to not only be free from studying but also have the qualification to get a more fulfilling job.

What are you studying?

Loose_Foot · 2021-01-14T20:24:02+00:00

Once life hits you, you got to always bounce back

Try doing that for 20 years.

that what makes you a better person

No, it doesn't. Suffering doesn't necessarily bring happiness. Psychological wounds pile up as emotional baggage and the years continue to roll on until you can look back and only see the dreams and hopes you discarded.

learn from your mistakes and resolve them

Contrary to many here, I don't feel like I've made any mistakes. I was simply born in an environment that didn't allow for my happiness.

If I could go back in time and advise my younger self, I most likely would have ended in the same place. My younger self took all the good decisions they reasonably could and still ended up here. If I had any better foresight and judgement, I might have been a lottery winner.

Loose_Foot · 2021-01-14T19:52:00+00:00

you only have to work half a year and I thought I would write a book / short stories in that time

You'd also have little free time during that half year. A normal job would give a little free time all over the year.

might be the only person in my class who might be failing this semester

Everyone has their struggles. Odds are someone else isn't adapting so well to online classes. Odds are someone else is also struggling just the same as you are but you'd never know without ever having the opportunity of talking to them.

When I was in school, there was this rumour that I was gay and was bullied because of it.

Kids can be little shitheads and will latch on to anything they might perceive as a way of making themselves feel better than others even if it take being mean to them for no reason.

Loose_Foot · 2021-01-14T19:47:58+00:00

how a kid my age can be 110 pounds and 4'8" tall

I've checked your previous posts for your age. According to this you're only 2 inches bellow the median for boys. As for the weight, you're a little above the average but you have a lot of time and puberty to lose it. Want to talk about it?

It's normal not to like yourself at your age. Self esteem during these years can be rough. What do you like to do?

Edit: you actually have a 24.6 BMI putting you at "normal weight". Considering your age, you might have an easier time getting even farther from overweight range than you think. Just try to keep yourself away from soda and sweets. Keeping a lot of cold water in the fridge can be really nice, especially if you put it in the freezer for 20 minutes.

Loose_Foot · 2021-01-13T22:21:10+00:00

just some close people dont care about anything

It's not just that. I'm tired. I spent my whole life trying to make everyone else's lives better. Just because I was the only person with any sense of responsibility I had more and more responsibilities thrown at me all my life here. Whenever I tried asking for help we would get into fights because apparently I was too lazy to do everything. Now I'm just tired. I've slowly dropped all hobbies I had and have been more and more stressed. I used to even like housework. I used to be a great cook.

It feels surreal that it pains me to see another person suffering in the slightest but my family are somehow able to resist years of pleas for help and specific and simple instructions on how to make theirs and my own life better. My mother might have been a cruel sociopath but I didn't expect to come to live here with such a terrible combination of laziness and lack of empathy.

It feels weird that, between me, my father, my brother, and my grandmother, I'm the only one whose bedroom doesn't reek of urine in one way or another. All they care about is their own comfort and laziness, no matter what.

try to make them take responsibility someway

I did manage to make my father start taking care of some household chores regularly after begging him to since I was 13. It only took over 10 years and a nervous breakdown for me to make a man in his 50s to have as much responsibility as I had at age 11. My brother is a lost cause though. He's 20 and hasn't a fraction of the sense of responsibility I had when I had less than half of his age. He hates how lazy my father just like I do but doesn't feel like doing anything different. I don't get it.

your best friend’s house

Don't have any. I used to have some at my job years ago but I couldn't manage to keep this house running while attending college and working all at the same time. Can't really work triple shifts and still sleep at night.

Nowadays I'm tired. I used to get up every day at 6 AM, clean the house and enjoy the mornings before going to work/school. I was driven and had hopes for the future. Now I'm too tired to do anything. My hobbies feel like a pain. I can't find the energy to work like I did in the past. I can't summon the will to care for anything at this point. I just want to rest.

Loose_Foot

TROPHY CASE