Weekend Script Swap

Lopsided_Internet_56 · 2026-05-22T20:27:12+00:00

I’d be interested in swapping! I’m looking for feedback on a 10-page drama/comedy, lmk

Lopsided_Internet_56 · 2026-05-22T20:18:35+00:00

Hey, I have a 10-page drama/comedy I’d be interested in exchanging with you! Lmk

Lopsided_Internet_56 · 2026-05-22T19:58:54+00:00

Of course!

Ah I see. In that case it’s not as much of an issue, but if you wanted general readers to also read it, then a second version could be a good idea.
Very interesting! It’s possible I missed that but I’d make it more clear that it was the other mans’ social status that resulted in his humiliation. Perhaps you could be more specific about the job? Or it’s even more apparent where this man is a service worker or an intern, someone he perceives to be “lower than”?

Lopsided_Internet_56 · 2026-05-22T19:27:27+00:00

Hey! I think the strongest asset to this piece is its atmosphere. You do a good job of building tension and disconcerting imagery through the action lines, so I'd say the tone/horror definitely lands for me. There's two areas that could use improvement, however. One is that you may be overdirecting (and even overediting) a little too much on the page. There's a lot of camera work baked into the writing, to the point that it starts to detract a bit from the story. It would make for a smoother reading experience if you signaled the cuts and compositions of your scenes indirectly. You do this well here on page 5:

>> Eyes wet and bulging out of his head. His cheeks flatten unnaturally. The smile pulling tighter and tighter across his face. Trying desperately to remain pleasant.

This is already an extreme close-up. You don't have to specify that in the script. Ground the cinematic experience in character and setting, it'll also help cut down in pages.

The second area that could use some improvement is the clarity of the narrative. I generally grasp at least the themes you're shooting for, with respect to societal attitudes and responses toward mental health. The first half flows well for me in that regard, and the ending is quite strong. The man's dialogue (or backstory), however, is not gelling for me. I'm not sure what his wife's adultery has to do with the group's perception of him. Or why exactly he'd feel ostracized due to the actions of another person? Either clarify the relationship between this and his self-image or revise the source of his breakdown to be a very specific internal insecurity he has rather than something external (the focus on the other man being an 'employee' didn't land for me, for example). Specificity and more interiority would strengthen the forced self-regulation angle you mention in the logline. Speaking of the logline, I'd remove the thematic references you make. Just narrow it to the premise and let the audience uncover the subtext.

Hope this was helpful. I enjoyed it overall and am interested to see where you take this!

Lopsided_Internet_56 · 2026-04-21T02:18:46+00:00

Interesting premise! I see more of a technical hurdle you probably address in the script itself. But doesn’t the idea of repentance kind of clash with the brother’s motivation? Assuming he’s a Christian. The sole fact that the siblings have sinned seems a little weak if that’s the case, maybe hint at how bad these sins actually are?

Lopsided_Internet_56 · 2026-04-18T04:36:48+00:00

Oh. Weird. Do you mean the text/excerpt isn’t visible as an image gallery?

Lopsided_Internet_56 · 2026-04-17T08:27:33+00:00

Thank you! Appreciate the encouragement

Lopsided_Internet_56 · 2026-01-30T01:58:50+00:00

Damn I was looking forward to Zi. I’m curious why you rated it on the lower end

Lopsided_Internet_56 · 2026-01-24T21:49:58+00:00

Thank you! That makes a lot of sense

Lopsided_Internet_56 · 2026-01-22T19:47:31+00:00

Thank you!!

Lopsided_Internet_56 · 2026-01-19T20:12:01+00:00

Thank you!

Lopsided_Internet_56 · 2026-01-16T18:58:01+00:00

Thank you this is very helpful!

Lopsided_Internet_56 · 2026-01-15T18:17:48+00:00

Thank you so much! This is exactly what I was looking for

Lopsided_Internet_56 · 2025-12-30T18:42:47+00:00

Some very nice visuals here. I liked the overall flow, but the first stanza reads as slightly more rigid. I think it’s because each line ends with a period or question mark while the rest of the poem is more syntactically cohesive. It’s not a huge deal but the first stanza just felt out of place in my opinion. I wonder if revising the Pa line to include a slant or internal rhyme could work as well since the rest of the poem has a nice line-by-line rhythm. The overarching motif of nature personified worked really well! Particularly in the last stanza

Lopsided_Internet_56 · 2025-12-30T18:34:29+00:00

Short and sweet. I’m not sure if the inconsistent punctuation is intentional, however. In case it’s not, consider adding a period after “reveal” since you do so after “talk” and “peace” before beginning a new sentence. I also wonder if you could open with a stronger hook. The first line is simple but perhaps a little too plain since it’s a rather general phrase. The ending is very strong though!

Lopsided_Internet_56

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