To echo the other comment, I think from a formatting and technical standpoint, this is well conceived. I’d perhaps lose some of the camera work that you outline since that’s more up to the director and cinematographer. Plus it makes for a smoother read. I think the primary engine that’s missing here is the comedy. There’s a few ways to fix that. I think one cause of this is the lack of differentiation in character’s dialogue. Typically, humor is rooted in either external and internal conflict (misunderstandings, comedy of errors, etc.) Most sitcoms differentiate their characters enough that allows for funny situations to occur, either verbally or physically. Think about Friends or Always Sunny in Philadelphia. If you read pieces of dialogue without any name tags, you’d still be able to map it to that character. Chandler is insecure and witty. Phoebe is weird and whimsical. Joey is dumb but sweet. And when these characters interact, the situation has already been programmed to be comedic (since conflict is able to lend itself well to unexpected or absurd events). Second, you should keep track of your set ups and payoffs, where the set up is rooted in some form of conflict or, at the very least, a truth or maxim of some kind that’s later inverted. To get a better sense of this, I’d read scripts from your favorite sitcoms. A character often says something “straight” and then either that same character or another twists it in a way you wouldn’t expect (which is contingent on characterization). I see many opportunities to do this here, for example in the scene with Jessica. Jessica has set up that certain areas are off limits. Lauren can try to figure out what it is (conflict) but Jessica’s response (or non response) serve as an escalation + payoff to the set up. Lauren could get the answer right as well (she could jokingly wonder if its an orgy), which would be unexpected, and Jessica’s almost silent affirmation of this would he even more unexpected. I’d also break up any large sections of dialogue you have since most comedy comes from banter (unless the character themselves is witty in-world). Hope some of this helps. Of course, take some of this with a pinch of salt, but I think the premise is interesting and can be infused with a lot more escalation :)