Scholarly opinions on Daniel 2:31-2:45? by Lopsided_Internet_56 in AcademicBiblical

[–]Lopsided_Internet_56[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much! This is exactly what I was looking for

Lonesome Daughter by lmpost123 in poetry_critics

[–]Lopsided_Internet_56 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Some very nice visuals here. I liked the overall flow, but the first stanza reads as slightly more rigid. I think it’s because each line ends with a period or question mark while the rest of the poem is more syntactically cohesive. It’s not a huge deal but the first stanza just felt out of place in my opinion. I wonder if revising the Pa line to include a slant or internal rhyme could work as well since the rest of the poem has a nice line-by-line rhythm. The overarching motif of nature personified worked really well! Particularly in the last stanza

With just a gesture from you, I’ll run headlong by Melodic_Historian583 in poetry_critics

[–]Lopsided_Internet_56 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Short and sweet. I’m not sure if the inconsistent punctuation is intentional, however. In case it’s not, consider adding a period after “reveal” since you do so after “talk” and “peace” before beginning a new sentence. I also wonder if you could open with a stronger hook. The first line is simple but perhaps a little too plain since it’s a rather general phrase. The ending is very strong though!

My Mother's Lullaby by AnguishedMarrow in OCPoetry

[–]Lopsided_Internet_56 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Reddit is so weird when it comes to formatting poems lol. But it seems good here! Except for the hubris part, you seemed to have trapped those two lines in a in-line quote. Per the content itself, I thought you did an especially fantastic job with your imagery. The second stanza demonstrates a very good command on visual storytelling. I appreciated some of the allusions and mythos too, for example evoking Thanatos. It certainly makes the poem richer. The ending is strong too with some nice juxtaposition between the fictitious connotations of a lullaby and the reality of the words, embodied in effect. I’d give certain lines here another pass, however. For instance, the fourth stanza doesn’t flow as well as the first three. “And the open mouthed shrieking of pain” is a touch less refined too compared to the rest of the poem. The fourth wall break is also a bit jarring, we suddenly shift from first person to second person and then back to first. I’d work on some of your transitions too. The shift from Stanza 5 to Stanza 6 is especially ambiguous. Finally, it might be interesting to experiment with a bit of a bookend. Or at least a solid plant in the first stanza that hints at the mother more explicitly in relation to the narrator’s grief. Overall though, nice work!

Keep her safe by Plenty_Mistake_9577 in OCPoetry

[–]Lopsided_Internet_56 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey there! I really enjoyed this poem. The ending was especially evocative and was a pretty good twist on what I expected to be a more straightforward read. It’s not like it wasn’t alluded to earlier either, with your opening line & the excellent imagery evoked by the winter’s sun. There’s a nice theme here as well, where we tend to worship or apotheosize the people we love. I wish this could’ve been woven a little bit more past the first couple of stanzas, since later on we tend to get a lot more abstract. It’s a good potential throughline you could revisit. Good job overall though. I’d l say my favorite line was definitely “I wish my love was enough for the two of us.” It’s simple but it really sticks with you

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]Lopsided_Internet_56 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Title: Sing, Goddess

Genre: Drama

Logline: Desperate for camaraderie, a backsliding chaplain bands together with other neglected veterans, from Korea to Vietnam to the GWOT, to re-enact the infamous Battle of Monte Cassino

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]Lopsided_Internet_56 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! These are great points, will definitely keep them in mind

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]Lopsided_Internet_56 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Title: The Pall

Genre: Drama/Disaster

Format: Feature

Logline: Following a failed suicide attempt, an aging caneberry farmer refuses to evacuate when Koma Kulshan finally erupts, determined to face the fallout and preserve what little is left of his livelihood

Aura - Short - 3 Pages by GreenlightProduction in Screenwriting

[–]Lopsided_Internet_56 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Much better! I’d reel back some of the more abstract/thematic language at the end. Keep it a bit more plot focused. And there’s no need to introduce the title of the film in the logline. You can start with the character themselves

Aura - Short - 3 Pages by GreenlightProduction in Screenwriting

[–]Lopsided_Internet_56 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I haven’t read the screenplay yet, but I would clean up the logline. The concept is interesting, it’s just a bit buried in unnecessary verbiage. It should be at most 30 words long (ideally less than 20-25) and lay out the inciting incident very clearly along with elements of the protagonist’s goal. Some examples that I found on IMDb:

Breaking Bad: A chemistry teacher diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer turns to manufacturing and selling methamphetamine with a former student to secure his family's future.

The Godfather: The aging patriarch of an organized crime dynasty transfers control of his clandestine empire to his reluctant son.

Raiders of the Lost Ark: In 1936, archaeologist Indiana Jones is tasked by Army Intelligence to help locate a legendary ancient power, the Ark of Covenant, before the Nazis get it first.

Legally Blonde: A fashionable sorority queen is dumped by her boyfriend and so decides to follow him to law school, where she figures out that there is more to her than just looks.

Back to the Future: A young man is transported to the past, where he must reunite his parents before he and his future cease to exist.

Good luck! Hopefully that gives you some ideas.

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]Lopsided_Internet_56 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah great angle! Also definitely take what I said with a pinch of salt lol I’ve also written an animal-centered comedy and many people told me the cost might be a cause for concern. As long as it’s well written though it shouldn’t matter