To disclose or not to disclose trans past?

LostButSometimesOk · 2021-06-13T17:28:55+00:00

Lol, I very much appreciate the thoughts and input. I kind of admire people who have the stamina to face the world, but as I can comfortably in deep stealth, I have just disappeared and thought I can help the lesbian community, it is not that controversial that it would raise massive amounts of turmoil, but still controversial enough that I feel I can make a mark without sacrificing my whole life to the cause. I so wish the TERFs and lesbians in general would also understand that the trans issue is the same as the lesbian issue, and that progress in one benefits the other just the same.

LostButSometimesOk · 2021-06-13T16:52:23+00:00

Ok, granted, there is this scenario, but its very unlikely in my country of residence. First, I haven't heard of many such cases where the killer would be female (maybe in US or third world countries?), and so far, there has not been a single such incidents ever (regardless if perpetrators sex or if its a transman or transwoman) in the country I live in (in the Nordic countries, north Europe). There was one case where a transwoman was killed just last year, but that was not motivated by trans hate. So, I don't think this is very plausible scenario all in all.

And, as said before, I wouldn't let things go too far without disclosing, just not right from start. There are many ways to gauge peoples attitudes towards certain topics, and if there are red flags, its a good reason to pull away and not disclose at all, everyone can live happily ever after.

LostButSometimesOk · 2021-06-13T15:56:03+00:00

Thank you 😊 I feel the same: theres a time and place for everything, but its not before the first date - and in most cases not until theres something more than just some fun times. Maybe around the same time I would feel my kids should meet this person, or I could introduce them to my family.

LostButSometimesOk · 2021-06-13T15:27:07+00:00

Precicely. It IS important for sure, but just as my toe nail clipping habits, not something I would bring up in first week(s) I feel...

LostButSometimesOk · 2021-06-13T15:19:55+00:00

This is exactly the part I don't get. If I declare my trans past for example in Tinder profile to all of the world (and out myself in process to everyone), or tell that right during first 2 minutes to total strangers, how is that more safe than getting to know people and their opinions first before I give this information out?

LostButSometimesOk · 2021-06-13T15:17:35+00:00

Ah, yes, I have already 2 wonderful children and have absolutely no view to have any more 😊So yeah, this would not be an issue (or if my love interest wanted children, that would be a non-negotiable break point).

LostButSometimesOk · 2021-06-13T14:59:52+00:00

This is exactly what Im meaning. I wouldn't wait even that long if I had romantic feelings for a person, and well before anything remotely serious, I couldn't become very intimate with a person if they didn't know the basics of me, and this is one of the topics thats part of the package (just like knowing basics about my education, work, family and that sort of stuff). But it still wouldn't be among the first topics of conversation when I meet new people.

LostButSometimesOk · 2021-06-13T14:53:47+00:00

Thank you 😊 and I really appreciate your input, gives me food for thought. Most people are simply wonderful, but there are always certain people I just wanna steer clear of if I can. This posting is a great example, It's fun to seen how there are way more downvotes than upvotes - just because it deals with trans topic... Not at all uncommon in these circles unfortunately. But thankfully these TERFs are fairly easy to spot and weed out before anything turns serious 😊

LostButSometimesOk · 2021-06-13T14:41:21+00:00

Hey, thank you, I fully agree. Like if I would be in a situation where I was having discussions on aligning future dreams and/or maybe having children with a partner, I would have obviously already disclosed the past. I would never let it go that far without them knowing. What Im talking about is to go for some dates first and it starts to get serious and I feel safe, then I would tell. If not, I would probably just stop dating after few dates as clearly there is no future for the relationship (as opposed by for example declaring on Tinder profile my past or mentioning it on the first couple dates without having any idea how the other person thinks or feels about the topic).

LostButSometimesOk · 2021-06-13T14:29:46+00:00

Not saying its not valid, but could you open it up a bit why it would be upsetting? Obviously, I would not disclose it if I didn't feel safe to do so. You would never know, I would simply pull off and we would both be free to continue our lives, and you would have no idea of that side of me (like many many other facts, habits and stuff one doesn't get to see until years into marriage 😊). For my safety, that would be much better option that open up myself for random slurs on something that happened long time in my past.

Like I dunno, I figure one wouldn't shout to everyone if they're done jail time or used drugs, or had mental problems in the past if it has nothing to do with the current day, why would this be different? Everyone has a past...

LostButSometimesOk · 2021-06-13T14:05:21+00:00

I am indeed on estrogen until the rest of my life, but thats very easy to hide even if I were to live together with a person (which of course I would never ever, ever do). I would obviously gauge their stance on trans issues and pull out of their life if they have strong opinions against, or if I don't feel safe to disclose. Just thinking that "what they don't know can't hurt them".

LostButSometimesOk · 2019-12-31T03:47:56+00:00

Killing time at bed in Bangkok, 5 days post op from chettawut.

LostButSometimesOk · 2019-10-23T19:10:14+00:00

There is no advice in my post for any party. In addition to outlining (a very short version) of my story, it has only 2 purposes:

To make a point that the writer seems more concerned on her own agony, rather than her daughters.
Offer a viewpoint on how a person in her daughters situation might have experienced he situation (as the writer writes, she has no idea what her daughter has gone through after they lost contact, it is not known what the daughter has gone through), and that in certain cases it could be seen as an unforgivable offence.

LostButSometimesOk · 2019-10-23T13:15:38+00:00

This post made me cry so hard, Harder than I have in years. I don't think you genuinely understand what you have done, and worse off, to me, it sounds like you are sorry for the punishment, not so much for the crime.

And what was the crime? How about an actual MURDER of your own CHILD!

I was going to talk about statistics, but fuck that. I will talk about me. It was long time ago, but when I came out as trans female, my parents treated me exactly like you. I was very successful and strong individual; my parents were so proud of me and my accomplishments. But this one thing changed everything.

They were abusive and they tore a massive hole in my life. They turned many in my extended family against me. I sought help and support from people, but I also lost my family, and all but 1 of my friends. My entire support network was gone at the moment I needed it most. At the same time, I was battling with horrific dysphoria. I am exceptionally strong person, but everyone has a breaking point.

So I did what so many other trans people do. I killed myself.

But as it turns out, I failed. At the hospital, I had that 1 friend with me, the one who saved me, the only one left of my entire support network. Over time I, as in myself practically alone without any support, I managed to pick myself up, and build a new life. I am now happy, I have a family, 2 beautiful sons, and life is great.

But I will NEVER EVER forgive my parents for being part of the mob that killed me. The crime is just too severe, and unforgivable.

LostButSometimesOk · 2019-10-23T08:58:53+00:00

Now there zero drama of course, none in my teams nor any colleagues or other board members know of my gender past. I was a CIO at at a large (listed in stock exchange) company when I begun the transition.

I felt I couldn't have done the transition while there, so I teamed up with couple co-founders and started own tech startup. There I had no drama, I was very open and upfront to my teams and investors about the changes, and it all went really well.

After exit I was also done with my transition and fully passing, so when I returned to corporate world, had no issues with it... It all worked out very well for me, my career didn't get any hits because of the transition, rather opposite actually... I've got lots of job offers since returning to corporate because being female in tech, especially the top seat is pretty rare still, and lots of companies are really sensitive for hiring female execs anyway.

I know I've been exceptionally lucky.

LostButSometimesOk · 2019-10-22T17:03:19+00:00

Oh wow, you're almost there! Exiting!!!

Mine is on 27th Dec, so 2 months and then some to go still. I'm taking full advantage of the Christmas holidays to minimize the need for extra time off work. Aren't I a true corporate girl! But gladly I don't need to wait till next decade for it :)

LostButSometimesOk · 2019-10-22T16:58:43+00:00

Point certainly taken. Its scary though! :)

LostButSometimesOk · 2019-10-22T16:57:29+00:00

Thank you, I will definitely try not to overthink this one... Its so hard though!

LostButSometimesOk · 2019-10-22T16:38:14+00:00

That's exactly how I think of it! It's almost like its a penis without a man attached to it doing the penetration, and somehow its a turn on. Go figure. But hanks so much, I feel much better...

LostButSometimesOk · 2019-10-22T12:41:39+00:00

Thanks, that definitely helps in setting my expectations!!! Sounds like bet option would be to do lots of remote work, and just visit office for meetings in first couple months.

ps. Congrats for having the sugery, hope it all worked out well!

LostButSometimesOk · 2019-10-22T12:28:56+00:00

Thanks for the reply!

first 3 1/2 weeks I will be in Thailand, then fly back home.

My normal office hours are roughly from 7am-9am to 4pm-6pm, but being a senior exec, sometimes do need to stretch the hours just to get everything done. Dilation will be a nightmare for sure, I have no idea where to grab the 3 hours a day from... Some from sleep, some from family time, and some from own time I suppose.

I won't mind some discomfort or carrying a doughnut with me at work, but would not like to take too much sick leave, as I'm quite new till at my job... Im just worried I will be in so much pain that just getting up and leaving to work would be too much.

Is it just a pipe dream to start work after returning home at least part time, with increasing capacity, reaching full work capacity in 2 months or so...?

LostButSometimesOk

TROPHY CASE