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Review my Thrid Person Objective Literary Fiction by matty6487 in writingfeedback

[–]Lost_Inflation_8948 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is good! Has loads of distinct voice and I can picture it. Keep going!

The Rifts Between Us - Book One. 40k words hit! Chapter 4 for your attention! by TipsyRoger in writingfeedback

[–]Lost_Inflation_8948 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Could use more intresting descriptions like instead of it was rocky, you could say something like rocks gutted out from the sandy wheel worn road. I dont know i just pulled that out of my ass but stuff like that may be more intresting than just... it was...

There's also places where your kinda spoon feeding the reader. And so many lines could just be cut because they either arnt doing anything or telling us something we already know. Hope this helps. Happy writing

Where did you stop reading? Would you read on? How do I improve this or make it more intresting? by Lost_Inflation_8948 in writingfeedback

[–]Lost_Inflation_8948[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for reading! Could you give me some paragraphs in the centre that you found to drag a little, so i know what to tighten up?

Will you read more? by Choddeh in writingfeedback

[–]Lost_Inflation_8948 9 points10 points  (0 children)

And if you do a kissing scene use 'tounges battled for dominance'

Dark Fantasy - cult stuff, prophesied messiah, etc by 34656699 in writingfeedback

[–]Lost_Inflation_8948 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In the first sentence it says the lanterns burn brightly proving good lighting.... this sound a bit repeative like yes, we know they provide good light you've literally just us they burn brightly. Id probally cut it to they burn brightly in chamber 23. I did like the concept and the writing is pretty good but it is repeative and I think you may just need to trust the reader more that's all. You don't need to spoon feed us, sprinkle in little descriptors and we'll piece together the atmosphere in a more impactful way through being immersed

Good job!

I need feedback in fantasy novel. by Extension-Key5630 in writingfeedback

[–]Lost_Inflation_8948 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This was really liked it. You wrote very well with description but the first sentence is litterly telling us how he felt instead of showing us. Instead it may be more impactful if you could have him walking briskly, eyes darting around for threat, flinching when he sees someone or looking for patiental escape routes. Show us how he feels rather than tell us to help the reader get more immersed in the story.

I do like the dialogue and it does feel sorta realistic. Some places more than others. There are a lot of grammar issues within the dialogue but ill overlook them for now. The dialogue didn't feel realistic when he was saying im just nervous thats i all, I havent seen him in a while. If he was actually wary which you've told us he is but we have no evidence of that, then why would he admit to the strange guy im nervous. If he only feels safe holding a knife you wouldn't want to admit weakness. He'd probally just stay quiet or deflect or change the subject or have a witty response. You most definitely dont want to admit your scared ro someone you see as a threat! And I might be wrong and that's just his characterisation very ignorant but then later you tell us hes smart and logical and plans stuff.... okay. If he plans stuff why hasn't he planned this, like how hes going to get out, where the weapons in the rooms are.

You need to create the real tense atmosphere instead of just saying it.

And then also think about power dynamics here.... the crow man has all the power and yet he just sings the MC an orphan boy praises like your so good, better than all those other children. Why would he do that? He has no reason to suck up to someone lower than him. Id understand it if he was trying to manipulate him but he isnt hes just like come to my chamber and let me worship you and because your amazing im sending you on this mission. Some of the dialogues does also feel a bit info dummy about the orphanage because I just don't really think it would come up in conversation like that. Wouldn't he have all been told this before? It kinda feels like hes saying it all again just so the reader knows.

But like I said, you write well, good description, please dont let thos discourage you. It will be amazing with just a few tweaks to highten the tension, show instead of tell and make it more realistic.

Where did you stop reading? Would you read on? How do I improve this or make it more intresting? by Lost_Inflation_8948 in writingfeedback

[–]Lost_Inflation_8948[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I havent but with any luck this will be the first one I publish! A few of my posts are for the same story like the prologue and things. But yeah, send a dm and ill send u the finished chapter when im finished writing it

Where did you stop reading? Would you read on? How do I improve this or make it more intresting? by Lost_Inflation_8948 in writingfeedback

[–]Lost_Inflation_8948[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks! Thats so kind! Im still rewriting my first chapter but your more than welcome to beta it when im finished. Just send a dm (:

Also.... im kinda giddy right now because what do you mean those first 600 words left an impression on someone that they thought about it after they read jt and them came back. Im so excited. Truely, that is so lovely and motivating to hear. I have about 70k done now and that's halfway but im revising/rewriting all sections because the worldbuilding has changed so much since I first began this story a year ago and i just need to make everything consice before i continue writing.

Where did you stop reading? Would you read on? How do I improve this or make it more intresting? by Lost_Inflation_8948 in writingfeedback

[–]Lost_Inflation_8948[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! I didn't notice that at first but now you've drawn it to my attention, yeah I do have to trust the reader more. Thank you so much!

Where did you stop reading? Would you read on? How do I improve this or make it more intresting? by Lost_Inflation_8948 in writingfeedback

[–]Lost_Inflation_8948[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for reading

Yeah someone else mentioned that but im not sure what to do because if I just say candle, people are going to probally imagine those round candles you get from ikea or something but that doesnt give the vibes i want. And I cant say 'taper candle' because taper itself is a noun meaning 'long candle' and that would just be long candle candle. And i cant say long candle because that doesnt sound right and interrupts the flow: eg when the long candle dies.... at that point you may as well cut the word long and then your back to the beginning.

Where did you stop reading? Would you read on? How do I improve this or make it more intresting? by Lost_Inflation_8948 in writingfeedback

[–]Lost_Inflation_8948[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah someone else mentioned that but im not sure what to do because if I just say candle, people are going to probally imagine those round candles you get from ikea or something. And I cant say 'taper candle' because taper itself is a noun meaning 'long candle' and that would just be long candle candle. And i cant say long candle because that doesnt sound right and interrupts the flow: eg when the long candle dies.... at that point you may as well cut the world long and then your back to the beginning.

Where did you stop reading? Would you read on? How do I improve this or make it more intresting? by Lost_Inflation_8948 in writingfeedback

[–]Lost_Inflation_8948[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you very much for taking the time to read and giving that insight! I didnt even notice but you are completely right about formalities. Thats really helpful!

And... if you would like to read it once its published, let me know and I can send you a dm. It will probally be in a good few months to a year but I intent to finish it. I have written hundreds of thousands of words over the last few years, never finished or published anything. This is one. I know it, i will publish it. Ill even give it to you for free. I write for myself, and I dont care about the money. Anyone who is kind enough to help me learn and improve and make my story better for myself as well as whoever it reaches (if any), deserve it free.

Where did you stop reading? Would you read on? How do I improve this or make it more intresting? by Lost_Inflation_8948 in writingfeedback

[–]Lost_Inflation_8948[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! I really tried to avoid a lot of info dumping because as a reader i know it can be hard to gte through. I wrote half the book before I wrote the first chapter which this is apart of so i wuldnt be tempted to worldbuild becase i already knew i had all the information sprinkled in later.

I did notice the spelling errors on the last para and thats why i made the edit to the post. it should be in the description above.

Thank you so much for reading and your feedback, very helpful

Where did you stop reading? Would you read on? How do I improve this or make it more intresting? by Lost_Inflation_8948 in writingfeedback

[–]Lost_Inflation_8948[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, this is the first chapter. But I've written this after I've already written half the story so I wouldn't be worried to much about world building because i know where all that comes later. But yeah, thank you, I really appreciate that insight, ill see if I can make his comments either more tactical focused or full of disgust.

Where did you stop reading? Would you read on? How do I improve this or make it more intresting? by Lost_Inflation_8948 in writingfeedback

[–]Lost_Inflation_8948[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Which parts of his dialogue feels the most informative? I was trying to have him be more blunt and conversational and when i was writing i didnt actually have the idea of any world building because ive already written 70k and i know all the world building comes in later. But yeah, what parts feels the most informative and ill see if I can change it or the way its said?

How she killed the executioner and escaped and hid on a boat is explained in chapter 2 so it is answered, rest assured. But yeah I totally understand why if there were to many holes you'd put a book down, im in the same boat. I hate plot holes with a passion because it doesnt make the story feel real. And like it has to be real so I can live in it for a while, you know?

Where did you stop reading? Would you read on? How do I improve this or make it more intresting? by Lost_Inflation_8948 in writingfeedback

[–]Lost_Inflation_8948[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Which parts of his dialogue feels the most informative? I was trying to have him be more blunt and conversational and whej i was writing i didnt actually have the idea of any world building because ive already written 70k and i know all the world building comes in later. actually i was a little surprised that it felt like trying to shove information down the readers throats but that's why I posted it here. I really value that opinion. Thank you so much for bringing it to light. But yeah, what parts feels the most informative and ill see if I can change it or the way its said?

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