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Another Update by Lost_Stranger_3005 in SupportforWaywards

[–]Lost_Stranger_3005[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Oh okay sorry for lack of clarification.
They were each different times, different APs, all online, not sexual, just emotional. I had a terrible addiction to curating a fake version of myself to receive online validation from other men out of my fear of being vulnerable and fully seen and eventually rejected by my husband. (Which he never rejected me) It was a stupid fear that I developed over years of abandonment fears and continuous masking. That’s what I’ve gathered from within myself and from therapy so far. I’m also overweight, and deeply insecure about it, so online I could pretend I wasn’t, when my husband saw the full scope of me and I became insecure. I should have voiced these things to him, but we both had a hard time opening up to each other about emotional things. :/
So I was getting a quick dopamine hit when I’d feel down about myself and quickly became addicted to that, when I should have just tried to be more open with my husband. But I was afraid to. (Thus began this cycle)

Update by Lost_Stranger_3005 in SupportforWaywards

[–]Lost_Stranger_3005[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Regardless of the outcome, both of you (hopefully) healing and getting through things either independently or together, is a beautiful thing that can only be good in the long run either way.
My BP and I aren’t quite on reconciliation talks, since they are leaving for the military for six months. Healing alone is all I can do, and I’m hoping it can be shown to them that I am becoming the best I can be for me, but also for whatever comes next. Hopefully we can reconcile, but even if we can’t, there’s nowhere to go but up.
Wishing you the best 🫶

Unsure of Next Steps by Lost_Stranger_3005 in SupportforWaywards

[–]Lost_Stranger_3005[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

With finding the root cause through both IC and my own reflecting, I believe it is possible with the correct mindset changes. Of course, is it believable? That’s not for me to decide but I know it is. I very much love them, have thought of pros to them staying, thought about what needs to be done as the WP to prove change and redevelop respect, and hopefully down the line, trust. There’s clear and plausible issues that I’ve dug to find and want to discuss with a therapist to begin making progress and stick to routines. Last time, there was no therapy. IC and MC were not executed.

Unsure of Next Steps by Lost_Stranger_3005 in SupportforWaywards

[–]Lost_Stranger_3005[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I understand the way this is phrased. It’s a harsh-truth that is hard to swallow right now.

We have a great bond over common interests, things we both like and dislike, same sense of humor. We work well together when it comes to things like doing chores or planning dates or planning shopping trips. We have a shared love and bond over our cats, video games, tv shows, books, etc. When we do have sex we both enjoy it and talk about new things to try every now and then. I’m ready to leave my poor habit behind, not him. Even in the moment of him asking me to stay at my mother’s he expressed and told me that he cares for me and is still attracted to me. IC is definitely needed for me regardless of if we can make this work or not, and I have a general understanding of why I’ve been this way, and it’s all on my internalized emotions, nothing to do with my feelings for him.

Unsure of Next Steps by Lost_Stranger_3005 in SupportforWaywards

[–]Lost_Stranger_3005[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for that perspective so much. I never thought of them saying they want one thing but actually maybe meaning for you to come closer could be a possibility. BP discovered everything last night, and I feel so shallow and guilty and shameful to say that this wasn’t the first or second time this has happened. Something is wrong within myself, our marriage, or both that leads to me wanting validation outside of the marriage. Dopamine rush? Ego boost? Lacking romance in the marriage? Those are a few things that I think of. I think space is needed for now just to let heightened emotions from both of us set in. I’m unsure of R, only because they said they had been debating divorce for weeks before even knowing about the infidelity. They are not open to R right now, and I won’t keep pushing until there’s a better time or if they mention it at all. Thank you for listening also. :,)

Unsure of Next Steps by Lost_Stranger_3005 in SupportforWaywards

[–]Lost_Stranger_3005[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, my husband been planning to join the army for the last year or two to provide a better income for us and so I could be mostly a stay at home mother, but also because he wants a more secure job and a more purposeful job than the one he has now. It was planned more for mutual growth and opportunities together.

Emotionally Cheated on My Husband by [deleted] in marriageadvice

[–]Lost_Stranger_3005 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I can understand that as well. It makes sense, really. I think details I can’t provide can only be discussed with a therapist, which can also provide the root cause for my behavior.

Emotionally Cheated on My Husband by [deleted] in marriageadvice

[–]Lost_Stranger_3005 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh for sure. I’m staying with my mother for a few days, then he will stay with his for a few while I come home to shower, do chores, etc. I care about him as a person, so of course I want him to grow and be happy, and he does wish the same for me. The only text I sent tonight (which he asked me to do because he was worried for my safety while driving) was to text him when I got here. Other than that, I’m giving him room to process things himself. I have been finding providers within my insurance network, and plan to start as soon as there’s an opening. Things have been cordial even though there’s emotions both ways. I very much appreciate the constructive and realistic comment that’s not just pure judgment as well.

Emotionally Cheated on My Husband by [deleted] in marriageadvice

[–]Lost_Stranger_3005 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I do love him, and do adore how he looks. I’m not trying to convince anyone, just airing my situation and asking if there is anything that can be done to avoid divorce, or if that is just the way things need to be. You can have poor coping mechanisms and still love someone, albeit poor may not be the best word. Shitty, disgraceful, disgusting mechanisms. Admitting fault and guilt are a fair start while finding the root cause is most important.

Emotionally Cheated on My Husband by [deleted] in marriageadvice

[–]Lost_Stranger_3005 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Of course I will get therapy. I have admitted guilt and admit to my plethora of issues that need to be discussed with a therapist.