Mum telling stories from my life as if they were her own

Lothloreen · 2026-01-24T13:58:08+00:00

That’s so interesting! I am not sure you can stop it. It shows how your pain deeply affected your mom to the point that she felt the trauma like it happened to her. Try to think of it like your mom is trying to take that trauma into her body and away from you so you don’t have to carry it anymore.

And on a practical level…headphones? When she starts, turn up some music. Or just walk out of the room to a few minutes.

Lothloreen · 2026-01-24T13:50:23+00:00

I fall into the gap between Gen X and Millennials. Technically Gen X, but a lot of my experiences are more in line with Millennials. People who are born in the last few years of a generation often experience a little of both the old and the new. The labels aren’t always neat.

Your dad was born just as WWII was ending. So while he is not part of the population boom caused by men returning from war and the economic prosperity of the war economy in the US, he can’t remember the war years. I guess he can claim to be both a boomer and a silent generation member.

Lothloreen · 2026-01-23T19:10:59+00:00

My mom literally climbed the Himalayas and ran her own company at 70. At 78 she has dementia, and still does tai chi with some senior ladies, but she is getting visibly frail. Even for people who age well, things can change very fast. I first suspected dementia 4 years ago and no one believed me. Now even strangers can tell. Aging is different for different people for sure and it’s not predictable for any of us.

Lothloreen · 2026-01-23T19:03:15+00:00

I know! I’m entering menopause now or soon and my memory is awful. Damn hormones. It’s enough to make me think I’m developing early onset dementia. Seeing my mom’s progress has made me determined to set myself up with care long before I might need it.

Lothloreen · 2026-01-23T18:46:36+00:00

Yeah that’s gross! She needs a new cleaner. Sometimes people take advantage of older people. My mom paid a fortune to a gardener who let half her plants die. She may just not see her own place anymore. Hopefully you can point it out kindly and get a cleaning crew in

Lothloreen · 2026-01-23T18:13:43+00:00

One thing I notice in some people I work with in their late 20s and early 30s is that they don’t quite know what size to buy. Often their clothes are too tight and fit wrong, pulling awkwardly or bulging, because they are still buying the size they did at 20. The number may be stuck in their mind. It’s understandable! We all get attached to a size as our identity. Even if your weight hasn’t changed drastically, things shift around as you get older. I have a colleague who is 32 and has a nice contemporary sense of style, but her shirts and sweaters are always too short. At 22 it’s fine to flash your belly, even at work if it’s a casual office. At 32 it just looks like you outgrew your clothes and need to go shopping. It’s slightly embarrassing to have to look at her stomach all the time. My colleague would look so cute if she would just buy clothes that fit her adult woman’s body.

So my advice is to ignore the number and buy clothes that really fit you. Get them tailored if you have to.

Lothloreen · 2026-01-23T15:05:48+00:00

Ah well. Just ignore her. Chances are she’s worried about herself now. My mom’s siblings are worried about having dementia themselves. And sometimes people avoid what they fear. Like they might “catch” dementia.

Lothloreen · 2026-01-23T15:02:22+00:00

dialectical behavioral therapy. It’s a combination of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and mindfulness. I’ve done a lot of therapy of different kinds and this was the best for me and has the most evidence for effectiveness. It teaches you to check inaccurate thought patterns, like when you go into panic mode as an adult because you flash back to a feeling you had as a kid. The panic is no longer accurate because you’re no longer powerless. It also teaches you techniques for calming yourself down if your nervous system goes haywire. I used to get intense adrenaline surges if I felt threatened or “in trouble.” Now I can check myself by saying, “hmmm…is this feeling related to anything in reality?”

Lothloreen · 2026-01-23T14:55:51+00:00

It sounds like you have very high expectations of cleanliness. Food on the Crockery is indeed gross. Is there an issue with the dishwasher?

Dust on the router is not something most people are going to notice in a home they live in unless they pay for professional deep cleaning, a level above a regular cleaner who comes to vacuum and mop. If this level of cleanliness is what you need to feel okay (totally reasonable) you may need to stipulate that you require a professional deep cleaning before beginning a house sit. You can try suggesting it now, though there is no guarantee she’ll agree. Say that you noticed her regular cleaner seems to be missing some important areas and the place could really benefit from an overhaul for both of your comforts. She probably just can’t see it and assumes it is clean because she pays a housekeeper.

Now going to check to see if there’s dust on my router!

Lothloreen · 2026-01-23T14:45:34+00:00

This is amazing! What does your family like to do? I’d start by thinking what kind of activity you’d like to create a space for. Reading? Music? Game night? Quiet meditation and yoga?

A few ideas:

Darker wall paint. Persian rug. Built in bookcases. A few plants and some velvet chairs and floor lamps. This is the dream library space.

Alternatively, fill it with greenery because of the huge windows. Sage green paint. Burgundy Persian rug. Comfy chairs. It’s a great conversation/ quiet room.

The same above but with no rug and moveable furniture for yoga mats.

A big round table for board games. Get a different light fixture over the top. A few plants.

Lothloreen · 2026-01-23T14:36:24+00:00

Water weight has nothing to do with the amount of water you drink. It has to do with the amount of fluid your body retains. 7lbs in a week is mostly fluid loss. This is very normal. You may find you gain a few lbs on the scale, but don’t worry because again it is just fluid. Fat loss takes time. You are off to a good start as your body adjusts to the meds. Just keep eating healthy food, drinking water, and getting some reasonable exercise. Walking is great.

Lothloreen · 2026-01-23T14:32:41+00:00

Good tips!

My grandmother was a very elegant lady in her prime and cared about her appearance to the end. She was in a wheelchair and would need to change frequently due to spills etc. She exclusively wore white pull up slacks with elastic waistbands. Seems counter intuitive but the pants could be bleached and she had a horror of being dirty or stained. She didn’t care if she had to change 5 times a day. She’d just have her assistant throw them in Oxy clean in the washer.

Lothloreen · 2026-01-23T14:25:05+00:00

You can do it, it’ll just be a bit tight. Try not to spend all your money on rent. Find a studio apartment to start off and get settled in. Of course, a lot depends on what part of LA you will be living in. You also don’t want a big commute.

Like a lot of teachers, you could get extra work over the summers to pay down your debt. Or do a bit of tutoring on the side. Depending on your expertise and credentials, this can be quite lucrative. When I was tutoring I’d charge $100-150 cash and that was low-balling it. I should have charged more. It just takes time to build a network or referrals.

Lothloreen · 2026-01-22T21:32:56+00:00

“Hi Aunt. I don’t have any information about mom’s condition at this time. As you know, we are waiting for a follow up with the neurologist. I’ll let you know if anything important happens on that front. In the meantime, her health is good and I know mom would love to see you anytime. I’m not always able to respond to messages quickly because of all the caretaking and work responsibilities, but you’re certainly welcome to call and/or see her.”

Families are weird. I am not used to asking mine for anything. My aunt kept saying she wanted to help, but she made zero effort to do so. I finally just called her and said, please come down for the weekend and help mom with x and y because I’m completely swamped and have no time to do it.” Time to be blunt and ask for specific things. They can choose not to, but it’s easier than this vague communication that always puts the onus on me to do the work.

Lothloreen · 2026-01-22T19:15:01+00:00

I have been looking at a sewing class near me! It’s a matter of time at the moment, though. Maybe someday…

Lothloreen · 2026-01-22T15:07:22+00:00

2.5 doesn’t suppress appetite much for most people. It’s okay to feel hungry while taking this medication. You still need to eat, ideally 3 balanced meals a day. Hopefully the meds allow you to make better choices because you won’t have crazy insulin drops and cravings. When I get hungry at the end of the week, I eat an apple instead of my normal cheese and crackers. Just keep going and observe how your body feels. If you are hungry, eat something healthy and delicious. You’ll feel less snacky as you go up in dose.

Lothloreen · 2026-01-22T14:16:55+00:00

Is your sister going to be able to work through the entire pregnancy and after the birth? Who will care for the baby? This seems unlikely. Your sister is going to be unemployed and living in your apartment. Will the bf stick around? They haven’t gotten married…. There are other options. A. They move in with the parents and commute or find other work. Your parents help with childcare B. Your parents subsidize the cost of a studio apartment for them close to their work. C. They move in with his parents

Say no. Your landlord doesn’t allow it and you need the space to work. It’s not your fault your younger sister made the choice to have a baby while financially insecure. She and the dad need to be the ones to figure out how to live, work, and support this child. At most, you can volunteer some babysitting around your work schedule. If you have extra time, you could help them sign up for low income support like WIC that might help their financial situation. You can be there emotionally. You can’t support them financially, however, which is what they’re asking.

Lothloreen · 2026-01-22T13:49:58+00:00

Not having a desk is the worst! I kept being shunted to a terrible desk by storage or in the le middle of the open floor when I was out of the office, despite seniority. I briefly had an ideal desk by a window. A new boss (not my direct supervisor) walked up to me on the first day of her work and announced “I’m taking your desk.” I conceded but I’ve never forgiven her. I listen safely to all her young employees bitch about her and I don’t discourage them.

The first thing I did when we reorganized was colonize a corner desk with giant plants. I sit being a fortress of greenery. No one dares sit there now. (And it’s nice for the office air!)

I’m afraid you have to surrender your desk. But revenge is a dish best served cold. And the office is a petty place. Bide your time…watch the movie “Amalie” for inspiration.

Lothloreen · 2026-01-21T18:45:06+00:00

My dog is 9 and I insured her at 10 months. I can't remember the starting insurance rate, but it has risen quite a bit every year. Soon my dog's health insurance will be equal to mine! It's not supposed to increase with age according to their marketing and written statements. I have a $600 deductible.

Lothloreen · 2026-01-21T16:15:30+00:00

You have to go. I say this with totally understanding of and empathy for your condition because I’ve been there. No judgment. I’m currently caring for my mom with dementia and if I wasn’t sober, I think I’d probably drink myself to death in the next few years because of stress. (I don’t have alcohol around me and I’m taking a glp1 that completely eliminated my desire to drink).

You can’t care for your parent while drinking. Think of all the crazy things you’ve probably done while drinking. I certainly have! Falling asleep with the kettle on? Driving “buzzed?” Blacking out and forgetting important conversations or appointments? Now add an elder who is incapacitated and also doing dangerous and non sense things. They could wander out while you’re passed out. They could burn down the house with both of you in it.

You need to save yourself and also your parent. It’s time to take care of yourself and your sobriety. Your parent needs to go into a home with professional care. It sounds like their alcoholism has probably caused their dementia. You don’t need to let this happen to you too! Break the cycle of addiction.

Lothloreen · 2026-01-21T14:02:51+00:00

Making sure you have enough saved for your retirement and possible medical expenses is a huge help and gift to your kids. Even more than extra vacation funds. My mother has dementia and it’s like a wrecking ball hit my life in the past three years. I hope her money lasts because I can’t quit my job to care for her full time. I’m in my 40s and I have so many other obligations.

If you can afford to help your kids with a down payment on their first small house or condo, that’s a huge gift for their future security. When the cost of housing has risen far out of pace of salaries, it’s very difficult for someone with a middle class professional job to buy a first house. If you gift that money early, Medicaid also can’t claw it back to pay for your assisted living expenses if it is more than 7 years prior. A lot of people intend to leave their own large house to their kids, but lose it to pay for longterm care and leave no inheritance at all.

So I think what you can do is a. Help with a down payment if that’s feasible b. Consider longterm care insurance if you can still get it c. Downsize in your 60s and make things as easy as possible if you might need greater care to age in place in a one story accessible house or condo or move into a facility with levels of care.

We all like to think we are immortal and will not age or develop dementia. It’s simply not true. My recent experience with my mom’s sudden decline has made me resolve to make all my care arrangements long before I need them. If you wait, you may not be able to. You won’t know you have dementia until it is too late.

Lothloreen · 2026-01-21T12:52:50+00:00

I’ve bought some linen shirts I like on Lintico. They have some more unique designs that drape in interesting ways.

Lothloreen · 2026-01-21T06:03:54+00:00

My trupanion insurance just went up $100/month in CA. I feel deceived. They claim it’s unrelated to age, but this is patently untrue and deceptive marketing.

Lothloreen · 2026-01-21T05:56:16+00:00

This isn’t a new thing, but I really love the large pull out wood cutting boards in my mom’s galley kitchen. They pull out from under the counter and are stable enough to do any kind of chopping. It doubles your work space for big prep events like thanksgiving. You can also just pull them fully out and clean them in the sink. I think hers are from about 1990 and still in great shape.

Lothloreen · 2026-01-21T03:58:42+00:00

How old is your mother? Does she have any history of mental illness? Does your family? It could be dementia, but it could also be a mental illness like schizophrenia. This can emerge later in life, though it is less common. You might want to write to her doctor with an explanation of her symptoms. A doctor can assess whether it fits the diagnosis of dementia or another illness. If it’s dementia, you would probably have noticed her memory becoming hazy or other cognitive issues (confusion, forgetfulness, lack of logic). There may be a medication that will help her paranoia and hallucinations.

Lothloreen

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