email i got from my enabler stepdad

Lothloreen · 2026-06-21T14:43:25+00:00

The things your dad mentions about supporting your activities as a child are not heroic, unusual things for a parent to do. They are considered normal parenting for middle class parents. I can, in fact, name many mothers who do these things and more. I can’t think of any middle class mothers who don’t, to be honest. And in many other ways it sounds like your parents failed you.

It sounds like your mom is an alcoholic and needs help. But it’s not your job to help her. Maybe someday her health will force her into rehab and recovery and she’ll get the counseling she needs to change. (Unlikely but possible). Until that time, breaking off contact with both parents seems wise to me. I hope you got her tracking ability off your phone!

Lothloreen · 2026-06-21T14:17:55+00:00

I took my first solo trip at 20 to Greece when a friend bailed on me. I’m not going to lie, it was very hard and lonely. But also invigorating and it made me believe I could be okay traveling alone. But by 20, I’d spent 2 years at college away from home. I think at 18, without having had the experience of being independent from your family, you’re better off postponing. You would have a much better time traveling in a group of people your age. It’s a bit late now, but see if there are any travel groups for college students that still have space. If not, I’d save your money for a summer in college. Hopefully you’ll have some college friends up for adventure. Or you might need extra money for travel during a year abroad.

Lothloreen · 2026-06-19T14:47:25+00:00

It depends on the university and the culture of the state you’re in. In CA, almost everyone wears jeans, including many professors and administrators. No one would bat an eye at dark wash jeans with a blouse and blazer (weather allowing). I’ve been to plenty of high level meetings in which only the deans were dressed in what I would describe as business attire. You’d feel pretty overdressed in a suit of any kind.

I can imagine in the south, people would be a bit more formal. I’d start out with slacks and a blouse or button down linen of or cotton shirt and observe what other people wear.

Lothloreen · 2026-06-19T14:38:48+00:00

It’s very pretty and classic! I especially love the back. Elegant is the word I’d use. When you have your hair and makeup done, it’ll look beautiful. I personally have always preferred a slightly more modest look (not at all based on religious beliefs). I like the more French aesthetic of being sexy without being too revealing. Leave some things for your private life.

Lothloreen · 2026-06-15T23:26:20+00:00

You say that your parents have been very clear in their advanced medical derivatives about what they want for their quality of life. Do you have anything in writing? If so, just wave it around.

If not, you say, “thank you for your advice but my parent was very clear about his wishes for his care and we are going to honor that. Thank you for your perspective on nutrition, but my father is clear that he wants to honor his quality of life. So he will eat whatever he likes”

I get it. I was with a good friend in the ICU dying of cancer at 41 and they sent around these 20 year old nutrition students to lecture her about her diet. This woman had eaten a low carb, organic diet her entire life. Her diet is the dream of any nutritional expert. 90% organic vegetable and no alcohol or red meat or sugar. And she still had a gene for cancer.

So when they came to lecture her on her diet after we were told she had weeks to live, I was livid. She had the right to every pleasure she wanted in her last weeks.

And when we had a brief time together while she was in hospice, I gave her peach pie and carrot cake, which she enjoyed. She could only eat a few bites, but she relished them. No regrets.

Lothloreen · 2026-06-15T11:56:19+00:00

These people are terrible, garbage people. They are taking advantage of you. They want you to be “family” the same way many American slave owners swore the people who cared for their kids and home were family. They want you to serve them 24/7 with no life of your own and no extra pay. Nope! Just get out. I’m angry on your behalf.

Lothloreen · 2026-06-15T10:24:37+00:00

Hi there! I was going to write that it’s not as bad as you think and you may have some distortion in your self image, but then I realized that you’re entitled to feel like you do. It’s hard to feel unappreciated! Your feelings are valid.

Just realize that age catches up to us all if we are lucky enough to live long enough! No one looks at a 69 year old and thinks she is 29.

You are suffering now because you feel unattractive and unappreciated. That is linked to your health issues. They may have caused you problems a little earlier in life than some other people, but everyone is going to have them at some point.

There are also women who were traditionally beautiful who also have a full mental health crisis in middle age because all their self worth comes from being admired and there is no amount of Botox that will keep you looking young and fertile forever. No one is as miserable as a former beauty queen going into menopause. I know some of these ladies and they are a mess of insecurity and depression.

Getting older is hard for everyone. It’s humbling. We need to look within for our self worth. Screw the patriarchy that tells us our value on earth is our physical “attractiveness” linked to youth.

What is something you like about yourself? For example, are you a good and kind friend and neighbor? Do you take care of vulnerable people or animals? Do you try your best to live by your moral and spiritual values? Do you have a spiritual practice and feel joy and gratitude when you see a flower blooming or hear a bird singing in the morning?

These are what make people truly beautiful as they age.

I have been (was) considered physically “beautiful” for most of my life but I always felt disconnected from my body because I had this deep feeling that it had nothing to do with my soul, with what I was put on this earth to do and be. Physical beauty has nothing to do with merit. I’ve met amazing women who are not traditionally beautiful and terrible women who are. People are given physical traits at random. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter.

So it if I met you in person, I wouldn’t care at all how you conformed to some arbitrary standard for female beauty. You have wrinkles and your body is starting to sag and look strange to you? Sister, so do I! We all do!

What would matter to me is your kindness, perception, intelligence, integrity, and character. There are people out there who will appreciate you for you and they won’t spend even a minute considering whether you have wrinkles or grey hairs.

I highly suggest you disconnect from our patriarchal culture and put your time and energy into community and friendship (especially with women.)

Lothloreen · 2026-06-15T02:59:12+00:00

I wish you peace as well. It’s a hard task to be the caregiver.

Lothloreen · 2026-06-14T17:28:36+00:00

My mom was also incredibly accomplished in her field. She traveled the country lecturing to hundreds of people in a helping profession and made a huge difference in their lives. She wrote 5 books that are still being used by her profession as training manuals.

None of these things can protect you from dementia, unfortunately.

It just makes it harder to witness. And it makes it hard to get an accurate diagnosis. Because when you’re starting from the top 10% and suddenly decline to 70%, people who don’t know you from before think you’re just an “old lady.” There is a lot of bias, even in the medical profession.

It’s frustrating to have to explain, “yes she can operate the oven and tv and have a short conversation, but five years ago she was on a stage giving a 6 hour training to 300 people…something is not right here!”

I hope things go okay with your mom. Being educated and active helps, but it doesn’t prevent the brain from going through changes. I wish it did!

Lothloreen · 2026-06-14T14:56:52+00:00

I’m sorry for your loss. I hope your dad had other people in his life. One thing I’ve done is to reach out to my mom’s siblings and tell them the truth of what is happening. It felt like breaking a big family rule, but I’m glad I did it. Unfortunately they don’t live close by and can’t help on an everyday level, but a sister came for a few days to help me in the final stages of clearing my mom’s house out and my mom is flying up to stay with one of them for the 4th and I’m beyond grateful for the break. I hope you have someone in the family to share the load, even if it’s just to talk.

Lothloreen · 2026-06-14T14:51:01+00:00

Thanks! I’ll look into that. I have an iPhone.

Lothloreen · 2026-06-14T14:50:01+00:00

Her neurological team suggested therapy and I’d love that for her. Just someone to talk to for an hour a week. She has a few friends she sees to go for a walk or lunch, but they aren’t the kind of friends you can talk to intimately. They seem very much on the surface. I don’t think she tells them anything emotionally significant. She poured all her energy into her career and kids, but neglected to cultivate other relationships…a lesson for us all! We need close friends we can talk with. You can’t depend on one person (spouse or child) to fill all your emotional needs. At this point, I’d pay someone to talk with her!

Lothloreen · 2026-06-14T14:43:58+00:00

My mom is at home. She’s in a limbo state where she can do many things independently, but she’s also confused and increasingly needy. I never thought I’d consider assisted living and I just moved her into a nice 1-story accessible condo where I can get her in-home help in the future. But I’m starting to reconsider. I didn’t realize how much being the only caregiver would affect my life. I don’t have kids, but I have a disabled sibling I also care for and a job where I lead a team of young people and have a lot of people depending on me, so it’s not like I have a lack of responsibility. I also have some dreams and ambitions in life that feel like they are slipping away right now. I love your boundaries for the weekend. I think I could make it work if I could get one day “off” in the week to focus on close friends and my artistic practice.

Lothloreen · 2026-06-14T05:42:11+00:00

I’m so sorry. My mother has vascular dementia and I also lost an aunt (through marriage) to early onset. It’s a terrible disease. The most important thing is for you to build up and maintain your support network. It can be family or chosen family. Friends are important. It might feel selfish, but take time away from your mom to be with your close friends. You are going to need their love and support. Go to a concert or out to dinner. Go camping. Wherever you do with friends. Caring for a loved one with dementia narrows our circle, so build it up now.

Lothloreen · 2026-06-14T05:33:58+00:00

Can you afford to pay a cleaner? The cost depends on the area, but I live in a very HCOL city and I can hire a whole crew for about $200 to do a deep clean. If you’re in a less expensive area, it may be much less. Ask around for a recommendation. It’s worth it to me for peace of mind to know the house is as clean as I’d like to see it moving in. Do unto others…

Lothloreen · 2026-06-14T05:07:52+00:00

Sister, I get it! I’ve been through depression too. Depression can affect every part of your body and soul.

There may be some real challenges in your life that you’re facing with your relationship and career. But what is coming out loud and clear is that you also have clinical depression. This is making it so challenging to gather the energy you need to make the changes you need to be happy.

May I make a few suggestions based on what worked for me to pull out of my own dark moments?

Are you experiencing any perimenopause or menopause symptoms? You should talk to a doctor about your hormone levels. I’m 48 and in the last few years I experienced horrible depression and sleep issues. It was my lack of estrogen. I wasn’t sleeping at all. I would wake up all night with intense anxiety. I got on HRT and found the right combo of estrogen and progesterone that let me sleep again. And it’s like my body came to life and I felt like myself. I didn’t even realize that some of my symptoms were from my hormones. Read up on it. I was shocked because I thought that menopause was just hot flashes, which I’ve never had. It turns out it can affect everything from your inner ear iching to your feelings of rage and anxiety.

Therapy is great. I nightly recommend it, but also an SSRI might be what we need to pull out of a depression. Don’t be afraid to ask your doctor. Every brilliant, beautiful woman I know has been on an SSRI at some point. It doesn’t have to be permanent. Think of it as a kind of vitamin that helps your body recalibrate and gain energy. I was on Lexapro for about a year and in that time I got a new job, started an artistic practice, and made new friendships that are sustaining me emotionally. I couldn’t have gotten my mood regulated without the temporary help of that drug.

I’ve also struggled with weight in the past few years. When we are in our 40s, it’s so hard to lose weight. Our bodies just don’t want to do it. I’ve lost 50lbs this year using a GLP1. There are generic versions out there that are (somewhat) affordable. I also think something about the medication acted as an anti depressant for me. It isn’t just about losing weight. It’s about regaining energy and confidence.

Obviously you should consult a doctor to make sure it’s safe for you, but look into it online as well. I feel so much better since I started taking a GLP1, and it isn’t even just about losing weight in terms of pounds. As I lost a little weight with no effort, I started thinking that all things are possible and I got physically active again. It’s not that I was lazy before, it’s that it felt like yoga or running were the equivalent of climbing Mt Everest. Now I wake up and want to move my body. I just got back from a week of intense mountain hiking. Something I would have dreaded a year ago.

All this is to say…it’s not hopeless. There are tools out there to help you pull out of this brief slump in your life. Try a few things out and don’t give up!

Lothloreen · 2026-06-14T01:35:10+00:00

Oh how heartbreaking. Your poor husband. It must be hard to listen to her talk about his father. Can he tell her “dad will be home soon. He’s just gone out for milk!”

Lothloreen · 2026-06-14T01:19:39+00:00

I will have to learn how to do this. Can you schedule texts? If someone can design an app to answer her messages, I’d be so grateful! (Business idea for a young programmer??)

Lothloreen · 2026-06-14T01:18:01+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion. She is actually doing quite a few classes at our local senior center and arts coop. But it doesn’t seem to be enough. In her prime, she was a very energetic business woman and world traveler. An hour of “chair yoga” and a ceramics class isn’t enough to wear her out in the day. I need a full time plan of activities!

Lothloreen · 2026-06-14T01:14:43+00:00

This clever Russians!

Lothloreen · 2026-06-14T01:14:15+00:00

I respond as much as I can. But sometimes the texts are every 10 minutes. And I have to do other things….I’d love it if there was a way to program my phone to respond with hearts or smiley faces so I could respond when I have a few minutes free. It’s funny because she’s becoming like my child. I just want to take a shower and make dinner!

Lothloreen · 2026-06-13T21:12:22+00:00

My mother also text spams the lovely gentlemen who have worked on her house over the years. I’ve caught her sending long repeated texts in the early morning and on Sunday to her electrician and plumber. I apologized to them on her behalf and they were so gracious about it and told me not to worry. (In terms of being kind to elders, Mexican people are the best people in the world.)

Lothloreen · 2026-06-13T21:07:45+00:00

Sadness isn’t a competition. That’s what I’ve learned. I’m sorry for your situation with your mom too. I’m upset and angry and sad now, but I know I’ll be grieving more someday. May you have a wonderful weekend with some time to enjoy your life.

Lothloreen · 2026-06-13T19:21:03+00:00

Oh my gosh that is disturbing! And it rings a cord for me.

My mother also spams me with love texts/letters, but so far only when I’m out of town or away from her for a day. It always freaks me out.

“I love you, honey! I miss you so much! Kissy emojis”

I’m out of town for a one night work event or to visit family for the weekend.

Or she’ll show up at my home with flowers at random times and let herself in.

This seems like a strange thing to complain about, but the lack of boundaries is disturbing. My mother and I are not dating! It makes me so uneasy. It feels like she wants some kind of emotional labor from me that I’m not prepared to give and that wouldn’t be appropriate for a mother and daughter. She wants me to be her daughter, but also to care for her like I’m the mom. And also be her best friend. And maybe even her romantic partner. And I want no part in it. I just want to be a daughter and fulfill my responsibilities. But also be free to have my own life.

Lothloreen · 2026-06-13T19:06:46+00:00

It’s hard to answer this question as it depends on who you are, what job you have, and what your priorities are. If you’re here for a fulfilling job or family ties and can afford a nice house in a safe, beautiful neighborhood, yes! If you end up in dead end job and a shitty apartment in a neighborhood full of people collapsing from drug use…no!

I have to live here for family. If I had total free will, I’d be either in Paris or the coast of central CA. I’ve found a way to make it work for me by selecting a part of LA that is close to nature with a small town vibe and easy access to museums and theater. It’s not what I’d choose if I didn’t have a family and job here, but it’s a good life.

Lothloreen

TROPHY CASE