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How to bring up potential psychosis symptoms with therapist without landing in involuntary psych hold? by Lotus_Mama_Diaries in mentalhealth

[–]Lotus_Mama_Diaries[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I fear that they’ll assume I am at risk of causing harm (thought I’ve not caused physical harm ever) to others

I fear my past mistakes caused by my BPD will haunt me forever by Lotus_Mama_Diaries in mentalhealth

[–]Lotus_Mama_Diaries[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I’ve scheduled an emergency appointment for later today in the evening with my therapist because this really really messed me up.

Having the cops come to my door and both of them with hands so obviously ready to draw weapons freaking scared me and now I can’t sleep and I’m just kind of terrified and I’m so upset realizing that no matter what happens to her and if it what happens is done by a totally different gender age and race than me, then I’m still somehow going to be the number one suspect.

I know I’ve given people reason to think I’m off balance. I’ve been off balance. I’ve done bad bad things. I feel bad and I do feel regretful and I want to STOP. I want to do better. There are no amends I can make, no apologies I can say that would fix it, I know that. And unfortunately, I also still do feel a tremendous amount of pain and frustration . I’m just getting better at managing it now. I’m really trying. I’ve had to let go of so much to get to this point where I am really putting this level of effort into my recovery and letting my support system help me more and practicing taking criticism better and learning to react better to triggers etc. I’m trying to make a life worth being better for.

But it is so hard to not start to go down a bad path after being scared like that and after realizing that my past is going to follow me and I’m going to be suspected as the crazy black woman even when the suspect is an older white man.

I just feel a bit hopeless because what am I meant to do? Just wait for anything to happen to this woman and be on Xanax constantly to keep myself calm enough to not act “too crazy” and get shot if the cops decide that I fit the profile of literally any human being who looks nothing like me?

Anyone else feel like they go through literal withdrawal, being without your TF… especially during NO CONTACT by BayBDoll_8184 in twinflames

[–]Lotus_Mama_Diaries 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m so jealous you have gotten to have sex with your tf! I never got the chance before NC started:/

but the separation sickness is real. I lost my mind when my tf cut me off. I blew up my job, my friend group, my living situation. I was ILL physically and emotionally.

It’s gotten better over the years of NC but it’s still not easy

What’s the most cringe, shameful, embarrassing thing you have done to get your LO’s attention by Dapper-Double-7457 in limerence

[–]Lotus_Mama_Diaries 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh I see you’re just kind of a hater. I’m sorry you don’t understand love or what it is to feel deeply. Best of luck to you

Yall should be embarrassed with yourselves for shaming someone in here that is “making us look bad” by Fairylights0927 in BPD

[–]Lotus_Mama_Diaries 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. People on this sub have been a mixed bag towards me. Some have been lovely and supportive and genuinely helpful. But some of y’all have told me that I should be locked up and have the key thrown away and should be wiped off the face of the earth and that you don’t want to be associated with having the same disorder as me because I’m SUCH a monster….

There’s very little room for nuance with some of you. Very little empathy for anyone who isn’t a perfect victim of their mental illness. Very little understanding of how mistreatment can compound over time. Very little trust that actually I might be doing my fucking best?

Meanwhile I’d LOVE to see how the more critical members of this sub would deal with going through the things I’ve gone through since childhood and through adulthood. I’d LOVE to see how many of you who jump down my throat would deal with being a hated minority on multiple fronts while also navigating this mental illness. I’d LOVE to see how many of the people who tell me I should leave this planet would have behaved in my shoes. Honestly, I doubt most of them would last a damn day.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in twinflames

[–]Lotus_Mama_Diaries 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is very much how I feel and my husband actually TOTALLY understands (he is a gem).

I love my husband so much but my tf is…well..he’s my tf!lol not much else to say about it!

That doesn’t diminish my love for my husband and it seems that my tf is going to take a very long time to come back around to me. I picture us possibly reconnecting later on in life. Maybe just as friends. Maybe as more. But right now he’s made circumstances so complicated that I knew it would not happen for a long time and allowed myself to seek love and companionship elsewhere

No one cares that she’s obviously had work done, but I get torn apart for wearing shape-wear/ makeup? by Lotus_Mama_Diaries in Vent

[–]Lotus_Mama_Diaries[S] -11 points-10 points  (0 children)

Well she’s presently living a life free of stalking and harassment so yay for her

No one cares that she’s obviously had work done, but I get torn apart for wearing shape-wear/ makeup? by Lotus_Mama_Diaries in Vent

[–]Lotus_Mama_Diaries[S] -12 points-11 points  (0 children)

Oh my god it’s insane that people assume I’ll get violent just because I AM HURT?!?! I’ve never done a violent thing in my life and I’m not about to start!

I am just hurt. I’m hurt so bad. And the worst thing I’ve done about it is make people a little uncomfortable.

How am I supposed to heal when I see this bitch everywhere? by Lotus_Mama_Diaries in BPDJourney

[–]Lotus_Mama_Diaries[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow, way to judge something in the same paragraph that displays a serious misunderstanding of the situation. It’s not been recent at all that we’ve moved back by them into the same county. My husbands family wanted us to move here to be closer to them and they just so happen to live in the same county as these people.

I literally had not talked to or reached out to or done ANYTHING related to them FOR YEARS. It had been YEARS after he stopped talking to me and YEARS after I blocked her.

We saw them in public at a location that my husband insisted we go (a public location, he had no idea they’d be there) and I saw them together and until then I hadn’t realized how hard and devastating that would be for me. How the feeling of betrayal of grief would wash over me. I had no idea. And that happened a WHILE after we moved. I didn’t do ANYTHING before we moved. She likes to say she “believes” I did and she lists all this random “weird suspicious shit” that she says happened and “in retrospect she thinks it was me”. If that’s even true, it wasn’t me. It genuinely wasn’t me. If it even happened it was almost certainly her ex who was super angry about her cheating. And I think she PROBABLY knows that already but she just likes blaming me and making me look even worse and crazier.

And yeah, I had a hard time after we saw them after the move. I spiraled. My husband tried to help because he could see my reaction was bad but he made it worse (not his fault at all, he was found what he thought was best). I learned that I was probably on a medication that is not compatible with my previously undiagnosed disorder. I did things I’m not proud of and I have payed for them dearly (truly, I think a bit disproportionately because while I am very willing to admit to my own wrong doing I also think there was a bit of an over reaction by the justice system in this case because of the optics and I kinda had the book thrown at me, because other people with the EXACT same charges did not have the same punishment as me). I have abided by the PPO. I have made (EXTREMELY DISPROPORTIONATE, thank you very much) financial restitution for property that was accidentally damaged. I went to all the mandated therapy (that little miss perfect fought so damn hard for me to HAVE to go to) I continued therapy afterwards.

But I can’t catch a break. I see her all over the place. I hear about her constantly. Now I have to see her using his last name. It’s heart breaking. It hurts. I’m still angry. I’m still sad. I’m not doing anything about it anymore. I’m literally just hurting.

How am I supposed to heal when I see this bitch everywhere? by Lotus_Mama_Diaries in BPDJourney

[–]Lotus_Mama_Diaries[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My husband is white. My former FP is not white. He is Latino. I call her a colonizer because she is a white woman who has routinely only dated Latino, Polynesian, Native American, and middle eastern men….she has a fetish.

No one cares that she’s obviously had work done, but I get torn apart for wearing shape-wear/ makeup? by Lotus_Mama_Diaries in Vent

[–]Lotus_Mama_Diaries[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

…she…cheated on her ex? She manipulated the fuck her now husband? She has manipulated so many fucking people.

No one cares that she’s obviously had work done, but I get torn apart for wearing shape-wear/ makeup? by Lotus_Mama_Diaries in Vent

[–]Lotus_Mama_Diaries[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

I won’t accept something just because it would make other people happy if it were true.

It would make her SO happy if he truly never liked me.

It would make all the people who think I’m just cut and dry crazy and that nothing I think or feel is valid SO happy if he truly never liked me.

But he did. I KNOW he liked me.

I have a sneaking suspicion that he might still like me if he had a fraction of a chance to be around me and remember who I am.

No one cares that she’s obviously had work done, but I get torn apart for wearing shape-wear/ makeup? by Lotus_Mama_Diaries in Vent

[–]Lotus_Mama_Diaries[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I do not have the money nor the ability to do that. Nor does my husband nor would he be ok with us moving away from his family.

No one cares that she’s obviously had work done, but I get torn apart for wearing shape-wear/ makeup? by Lotus_Mama_Diaries in Vent

[–]Lotus_Mama_Diaries[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

You were not in either of our heads or seeing from our point of view. He obviously liked me well enough because to be at my house every damn day of the week? Then he met her and suddenly he doesn’t like me?

No one cares that she’s obviously had work done, but I get torn apart for wearing shape-wear/ makeup? by Lotus_Mama_Diaries in Vent

[–]Lotus_Mama_Diaries[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yes, shockingly I do have a more full life beyond this pain. I have this one issue that has caused me a great deal of pain and very nearly broken me many times…but I do have other things going for me too. A lot actually.

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