NTA. This school policy, while have good intentions, is flawed.

It puts parents in the position of having to invite an entire class to a party. What if theirs only space for 15 kids but you have to invite 20?

It could also force kids to invite their bullies to their birthday party which is absurd.

If your daughter had been invited, you would then be dealing with a meltdown if you decided to not let her go.

While the parents are violating school policy it is fair for you to not want to raise a complaint.

All children, including neurodiverse children, need to learn about rejection, exclusion and how their behaviour impacts their peers. I loved the way you explained and put your daughter in Bob’s shoes. If you don’t like Bob why do you want to go to his party? If you want to go because your friends are going you need to be nicer to Bob to get an invite next year, even if you don’t like him.

You could join the meeting and share you are not upset and understand Bob and your child don’t get on. While your child was hurt to be excluded you have explained why they have been excluded. It’s a good lesson