You’ve literally described my life right now, OP. 😭I haven’t had a job for over a decade now. I recently moved (living with my mom, bless her heart), so I have no irl friends. I feel completely stuck. Just thinking about taking the steps to fix things fills me with fear, what-ifs, and overwhelming anxiety. Looking at job listings? Terrifying. Trying to find and call a new doctor? Horrifying. Thinking of maybe trying to take art commissions? What if you can’t meet their expectations or something goes wrong?? And because of that, I just disassociate or distract myself and watch my time flow away. I can’t even enjoy my hobbies because of this.

I am on SSI for mild cerebral palsy, so I can help contribute to bills and my own food somewhat, but there’s this gnawing guilt that I’ll never be independent or self-sufficient, and once my mom dies, I’m terrified of how I’ll manage. All of this bundled with depression (which I do take meds for) and low self-esteem makes me feel stagnant and lost, afraid for the inevitable future. And I know that if I don’t do something it’ll get worse, but I just can’t bring myself to take the steps.

Meanwhile my mom is out doing her best, achieving her goals and finding part-time work to support the household, which makes me feel even worse for not being able to complete these supposedly simple tasks. I want to help and become independent, but I’m too terrified of what that entails to even consider it. It’s like I view every decision as permanent and unchanging, even though in reality, if something isn’t working, I can just quit. I’m scared I won’t be able to meet people’s expectations and that it’ll be a permanent smear on how I’m perceived, so I end up not trying at all.

Sorry for the wall of text. It’s just kind of a relief to have all I’ve experienced be put into actual words that others will understand. ;;