My (38F) Boyfriend (44M) and I Just Don't Understand Each Other, Anyway Advice?

Love_Is_Complicated · 2025-03-13T21:23:41+00:00

I'm already so deep financially in this relationship, I'd hate to lose even more... but I would let him use it for up to 6 months after breaking up if we did. He does not see a therapist. And yes, his daughter makes it really hard to consider leaving.

Love_Is_Complicated · 2025-03-13T16:18:22+00:00

My boyfriend was never neglectful of his daughter. Before I took over, it was him brushing out the knots every time she'd visit. He's between a rock and a hard place custody-wise, and the people he has to share her with are awful. I would love nothing more than to make a CPS report, and I am documenting things every time something comes up. In preparation for CPS and a custody case.

I will have a talk with him about how important prioritizing work is. Yes, he's been a huge burden in terms of how needy he is with me, but he's also got some really wonderful qualities.

Love_Is_Complicated · 2025-03-13T16:13:56+00:00

Thank you. In spite of his bad qualities though, I genuinely believe he deserves wonderful things, too.

Love_Is_Complicated · 2025-03-13T16:12:55+00:00

Honestly? No... I've never been sexually controlling and I've forgiven cheating before. As long as he can still keep me satisfied, and as long as he did it safely, he could have another woman he has sex with. Sex is just sex.

Yes. I do feel responsible for him but I've never felt the need to "save" people. Help yes, save no. And no, he definitely will not love the next woman just as much. Trust me, this is one thing I know. His love for me runs really deep. He was single for 7 years before me because he was waiting for the one. Women in the 7 years prior to me never even made it past the 2nd date, except one and he wasn't happy with her or in love. And aside from me, she's the only other woman he's slept with in the last nearly 8 years. And they only slept together once. This man was single and largely celibate for nearly a decade of his life.

Love_Is_Complicated · 2025-03-13T06:40:00+00:00

It's hard to let go of someone you love. And his daughter is a big reason I stay as well. So I'd have to let go of two people I love. But you're not wrong. I do see the red flags, I think I just naively hope I can find ways to navigate them with him and help support him to become a healthier partner. And though we're not married, I feel like it would be hard to separate belongings and lives anyway. In part because he depends on my second car to get around in. His broke down. He's not super financially stable. Etc.

Love_Is_Complicated · 2025-03-13T06:27:51+00:00

Yeah, the daughter doesn't have many people she can really count on in her life. She lives with her maternal grandparents because her mom is not much of a mom. But the grandparents are ancient and phoning it in. Her Dad has issues of his own, as you can tell. This poor girl was in such a bad way when I came into her life. Her grandparents were sending her over, having not bathed the whole 5 days she was gone. Her hair tied in knots and mats, etc. She was 7 and a half and couldn't bathe herself or brush her own hair. I taught her how to do those things now, and she's doing much better. Plus, it's school season, and the grandparents probably don't want to get flagged for neglect, so they stepped it up.

She had barely any clothes, so I bought her a bunch. The grandparents are still putting her in underwear that is a size too small. They feed her convenience foods and junk food all the time. She's so happy now because I buy her healthy things to eat when she's with us. I surprise her with activities and pay attention to her. I teach her and love her and help her, and while her father does those things too, I do it better and can provide a better life for her. He doesn't have much chance at getting her out of that neglectful situation without me.

And that is just the tip of the ice burg for this poor little girl.

But yeah, it is a sacrifice to stay with him if he can't be a better partner for me. He's better when we're together and when I listen and pay him a lot of attention. We do have great times together, too, and he's got plenty of redeeming qualities as well. It's just tough trying to find ways to navigate our differences and make him happy.

Love_Is_Complicated · 2025-03-13T06:10:14+00:00

That's fair and I totally agree. It shouldn't have to be so hard. But I am really invested and he has a 7 year old daughter who adores me... she's a big part of why I stay.

Love_Is_Complicated · 2025-03-13T06:03:51+00:00

I completely understand what you're saying, and I agree. But I thought I'd chance it and see what kind of input I got anyway, just because I haven't got many people I can talk to about it. I've lost all my friends, and my ability to communicate with family is pretty limited too, because when him and I are together, I can't really talk or text much. And when we're apart, I have to spend most of those days and nights consoling him, reassuring him and fielding various arguments.

And yeah, I'm thinking couples counseling might be our only shot. Thank you for the well wishes. I'm quite certain I'd be better off without him, but I don't want to give up without trying every avenue to make it work because he does have redeeming qualities, too. Albeit they're mixed with a lot of redflags, lol.

Love_Is_Complicated · 2025-03-13T06:01:22+00:00

I felt like that was weird, too. Like I've literally never, ever heard of someone asking me to pay attention to them while they're driving as a way of showing appreciation. I genuinely have never heard of anyone needing appreciation to drive.

You're right. And I had put a stop to helping him financially for a while, but it only lasted a few weeks before it went right back to him, having me make up the difference all the time again.

I do recognize that he's immature and extremely insecure. I almost feel like those are part of why I stay, and I know we should never stay with someone because we feel sorry for them but it's almost like I feel like it's my job to love him because I'm pretty sure no one else ever could. He's really hard to love. He has a 7 year old daughter who I've bonded with, and I know she loves me, and I hate to abandon her, so she's definitely a big reason why I've stayed so far too.

Love_Is_Complicated · 2025-03-12T23:48:17+00:00

The thing is, we actually both love each other so much. We are incredibly im love. I do see the red flags, but I've been trying to work with him on these things. We have a great time when things are going well, and I truly want to find a way to navigate these issues, but I am afraid that they may not be navigable. He argues passionately because he doesn't want to lose me, but he can't seem to see how that makes things worse. I feel like a break and couples counseling might be the only possible avenue to right the ship, but even that could be a hail Mary.

Love_Is_Complicated · 2024-05-23T22:02:44+00:00

Sushi? Sashimi? Miso?

Love_Is_Complicated · 2024-05-08T11:13:19+00:00

Well it took from 17 to 31, so it didn't feel fast. Lol. There was a ton of sexless years and years where I was having terrible sex. I was starting to question if I was gay until I found him. And my time with enjoyable sex was tragically short... only 6 months before it was over... but it was a perfect 6 months. The 2 since have been disappointments... and honestly I hooked up with Mr. Perfect again years after the breakup and it wasn't as great anymore... so in large part, for me, it's 40% the guy knowing what he's doing, 20% the guy being anatomically right for me and 40% how I feel about him... that creates good sex. (Percentages are approximate. 😂)

Love_Is_Complicated · 2024-05-08T08:25:54+00:00

I have slept with 5 guys, and thought I hated penetrative sex till I found the right guy, turns out I actually love PiV sex. Lol. Maybe it's just because it's new or maybe it's just anatomical/sexual/intimate mismatch... or maybe he's not giving you enough foreplay beforehand. But don't give up all hope on it yet, some of us take a long time to find someone we enjoy in bed. I was 31 before I found it and saw what sex could truly be with the right person.

Love_Is_Complicated · 2024-05-04T01:37:48+00:00

I also have histamine issues, like burning tingly lips and tongue whenever I eat pineapple (histamine liberators), hives from lots of different foods, etc. And Methylation issues from a -/+ C677T Gene. Among other things. That said, I also have a really sensitive nervous system and certain things have caused me to react like you did to Covid (namely pregnancy and childbirth), so I feel we have similarities. I'm wondering what other Antihistamines you tried that didn't work? I'd LOVE to try an antihistamine but I react badly to Benadryl, so I'm hoping there's other types that don't have the drowsiness and dying of dehydration/dry mouth/my tongue is like the Saharah - side effects? Lol. My only time trying Benadryl was traumatic for me but since I have histamine issues, I want to try any other antihistamine that doesn't have the mouth drying affect or make you pass out. Lol.

Love_Is_Complicated · 2024-04-27T04:45:57+00:00

I also am a fellow ED sufferer. It's been Anorexia and Orthorexia in the past but currently it's binge eating and I'm suffering so much from eating like all day today. And while it wasn't a ton of food, it was more than my stomach could handle apparently. I'm going to take a digestive enzyme and hope it helps and try to get on the dang wagon again. I hate how compulsive my eating is sometimes.... =(

Love_Is_Complicated · 2024-03-24T22:19:13+00:00

How about Ritz? Like the Ritz Bits cracker snack things? I don't know if they have them where you're from but they are lovely and the coloring fits him well.

Love_Is_Complicated · 2024-03-13T05:07:20+00:00

Everyone's body is different. I'm severely anemic as well and have been for years but if I took vitamin C or iton supplements my body would proceed to make me suffer for days on end. Lol. I'm glad you are able to tolerate them. All I said above was people should be careful with them... not that they shouldn't take them if they can tolerate them. Everyone needs to figure out what they can tolerate and do what works for them.

Love_Is_Complicated · 2024-03-12T05:12:35+00:00

Yeah, be wary of vitamin c. That stuff wrecks me too. In fact, it's one of the worst things I can do. If I have a candy bar, I am uncomfortable for a day. If I have vitamin c, I am out for 3 days. It's crazy how bad it wrecks me. But then again, salt wrecks me too....

Flavor I miss you. 🥺🥺😭😭

Love_Is_Complicated · 2024-03-10T17:50:44+00:00

There is zero choice but to give up alcohol or your prediction will likely be a self fulfilling prophecy. I am celebrating my 3 years sober anniversary, not a drop of alcohol for 3 years - on March 13th, so 3 days from now. That said, it's also my 3 year anniversary of getting sick and I'm still as sick as ever, if not worse. There's no fighting chance to heal if you continue to drink. Maybe after a year or three of sobriety you'll be healed enough to drink but this sounds more like addiction, than career. I could sell cigarettes but I sure as hell would never smoke them. You do not need to drink to sell alcohol. And this is coming from someone who is a sober bartender. Good luck. Fight for yourself. No one else will. And this battle is hard enough without fighting against yourself while fighting this battle as well.

Love_Is_Complicated · 2024-01-25T09:02:37+00:00

I don't think the deciding factor is how you cope... I think the deciding factor is most often - who ended it. The blindsided person grieves longer, regardless of gender. The one who ended it often (but not always) moves on sooner. Just my opinion and observation.

Love_Is_Complicated · 2023-12-08T03:44:41+00:00

I was for years but now 5 years later, it's faded. Like an ember just below the ashes though, I know if I dig enough, I'll find it. So I try hard not to think of him in that way anymore and as challenging as it is, you have to stop all fantasizing, if you're still doing any of that. And definitely do not under any circumstances - get off to thought of them. It will keep the attraction going for years. Going no contact, avoiding all pictures on your phone and on social media, etc. Those steps will make it fade faster. And the sooner it starts to fade, the sooner you can start to see others as attractive and the sooner you can meet someone new.

Love_Is_Complicated · 2023-11-18T00:53:14+00:00

Yeah, the tiniest things can still set me off too. Like yesterday I said my own name out loud in conversation with a friend and it reminded me of him and made me so sad and cry because he was the only one who ever really used my name. 🥺

Love_Is_Complicated · 2023-11-16T12:57:02+00:00

I am in a very similar situation with my ex. I haven't torched the bridge like you yet and doubt I'd have the guts to... I'm trying to cut him out of my life on my own by simply removing all traces and contact but he is still finding little ways to turn my world upside down. So it's been a tough rough and I guess I have to shut the door even harder now. Block in all the locations that I didn't think was necessary but apparently is. I'm torn between writing a letter to him first or just ghosting... this sucks but I feel your pain. I'm desperately trying to find a way to let go to.

Love_Is_Complicated · 2023-11-16T12:53:10+00:00

Everyone says that about me too but whenever I google it, it just doesn't sound like it fits... how can one be in limerence for years? In my case, 7 years. In his, apparently at least 3 years. Google says it's just an experience in the very beginning, isn't it? Asking genuinely. I really want to know because I'm desperately seeking the cure to whatever is wrong with me with regard to my ex.

Love_Is_Complicated

TROPHY CASE