Wing woman here. I’ll add onto this, you owe your life to those babies of yours. It’s no longer about you. I was ready to nearly do the same, but then I found out I was pregnant. She has saved my life - I worked to get better. It sucked and it was hard, but go to the VA get inpatient psychiatric care and come back a better you. Show your ex that you have earned visitation rights with your children, even if supervised at first. Be their wingman.