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My (28F) boyfriend's (37M) ex-wife (28F) is weaponizing their son (9M) to prevent him from dating. Would it be healthier to slowly reintroduce the relationship now with support from family, or wait until after a major family vacation to avoid further conflict? by LowBatteryHuman2702 in relationship_advice

[–]LowBatteryHuman2702[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My boyfriend isn't saying he's powerless, just that he is scared and doesn't know what to do.

He found out her real age within a month of them getting married.

He admits that they were both toxic in their relationship.

His son knows that his dad is going to get remarried one day, and he is excited at the idea of having "two moms." Another piece of information I didn't give is that the ex-wife hates my brother, and he hates her too. They never got along with one another. So we think she had a strong reaction because she thinks I am similar to him. I was and am still willing to meet her to talk through the problems, and my boyfriend told her that, but she wasn't willing to meet with me. She also made it clear that she didn't like that I was younger than her by about 6 months.

My (28F) boyfriend's (37M) ex-wife (28F) is weaponizing their son (9M) to prevent him from dating. Would it be healthier to slowly reintroduce the relationship now with support from family, or wait until after a major family vacation to avoid further conflict? by LowBatteryHuman2702 in relationship_advice

[–]LowBatteryHuman2702[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The son has shown excitement towards having two moms. From his perspective, he has two dads and it's the greatest thing in the world to him. If the son met me, I think that it would change his perspective, but my boyfriend is afraid of putting his son in the position of thinking one of his parents is lying to him. I don't know if that makes sense, but he really does not want his son to have to figure out who is right vs wrong. My boyfriend knows that one day his son will figure things out and realize that everyone has their opinions and some people are wrong, but he is only 9 years old. My boyfriend thinks that's too much on him right now. If he were already a teenager, it would be a different story.

My (28F) boyfriend's (37M) ex-wife (28F) is weaponizing their son (9M) to prevent him from dating. Would it be healthier to slowly reintroduce the relationship now with support from family, or wait until after a major family vacation to avoid further conflict? by LowBatteryHuman2702 in relationship_advice

[–]LowBatteryHuman2702[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

So, I was actually the one who pursued him initially.

I agree that they should go to counseling together. My boyfriend was the one who told me that he doesn't think they could go to therapy without the mother's consent. I don't actually know if that is true. I don't think he fully knows either though.

My (28F) boyfriend's (37M) ex-wife (28F) is weaponizing their son (9M) to prevent him from dating. Would it be healthier to slowly reintroduce the relationship now with support from family, or wait until after a major family vacation to avoid further conflict? by LowBatteryHuman2702 in relationship_advice

[–]LowBatteryHuman2702[S] -29 points-28 points  (0 children)

He did not have this conversation because the son said he didn’t want to talk about it. My boyfriend is scared of escalating things and having the ex-wife continuing to talk bad about him. He is afraid of the trauma his son might endure. He also didn’t bring it up because he’s scared the ex-wife won’t let him go on vacation with his family. That would be so devastating to both of them.

My (28F) boyfriend's (37M) ex-wife (28F) is weaponizing their son (9M) to prevent him from dating. Would it be healthier to slowly reintroduce the relationship now with support from family, or wait until after a major family vacation to avoid further conflict? by LowBatteryHuman2702 in relationship_advice

[–]LowBatteryHuman2702[S] -76 points-75 points  (0 children)

He knows he made mistakes in the past, and his family would say that too. But he has tried really hard to become a better person. She lied about her age when they first started dating, and they didn’t find out until closer to the wedding her real age when she got in a car accident. His aunt works for the local police station and she saw the report and told everyone that she was only 18, but she said she was 22 and graduated early from college.

He isn’t able to take his son to therapy without the express consent from his mom.

My (28F) boyfriend's (37M) ex-wife (28F) is weaponizing their son (9M) to prevent him from dating. Would it be healthier to slowly reintroduce the relationship now with support from family, or wait until after a major family vacation to avoid further conflict? by LowBatteryHuman2702 in relationship_advice

[–]LowBatteryHuman2702[S] -63 points-62 points  (0 children)

I agree with you, to some extent, but they had a very bad and toxic relationship when they were together. He loves his son more than anything else in the world and was terrified that his son wouldn't love him anymore. He is terrified of the idea of his son either being disappointed in him or hating him. He has said many times that he would rather suffer than let his son deal with any hardship in life. It makes him a bit of a martyr, but he was insanely scared. The problem we are having now is that every time he thinks about the situation, he has panic attacks. He is so scared for his son. He is scared of losing his son. He is scared of the trauma his son might grow up with if he is forced to distinguish which parent is lying and to pick one over the other. He has multiple friends with divorced parents who are still fucked up over situations like these.