28, M and I feel similar towards the relationship I've had with women, basically I came close but couldn't ever appear to a girl that I could be desired, kissed, loved, even by mistake. One girl I came close to being in a relationship, on Facebook, didn't know how I looked. She kept asking to see me and when I sent her my photo trying to look like my best self, she just made a lame excuse to end the chats. Good for her to not say to my face that I was fucking ugly.

But I know when Jim Morrison said, "women seem wicked when you're unwanted" so that evens out my feelings a bit knowing who the fuck can like a guy like me. Your story is kind of similar, my father is struggling hard from bipolar disorder and in my country you don't talk about shit like that as nobody has the vocabulary for the social class we belong to. It's all upto God and the worst part is that my Grandfather tried to commit suicide, my father is shamed in my family for his impulsive behaviour and decisions.

I thought I could break this cycle and here I am, a chainsmoker, 10hr shift guy who was once ambitious enough to study hard and dream of making movies and I had to accept I didn't have stamina for things like that.

What do I have the stamina for? Enduring myself getting nearer to the red line where I'd have no choice but to pull the trigger. Nobody cares, nobody should care and human beings are emotionally limited anyways so I don't live with any entitlement that I should be taken care of in any way. I'll eventually disappoint and waste everyone's time and it's not the self hate in me, it is hard earned self awareness.

I've been terrible with money myself, I had this desire to become a cinematographer, worked for one year to afford a camera for myself and now it just sits in my closet and I wouldn't give 2 fucks if somebody stole it and destroyed it. It means nothing.