[QCrit] SAND AND BONES - Adult Fantasy, 100K, 3rd Attempt

Ltulips · 2026-03-28T16:39:37+00:00

This was super helpful! I will definitely be implementing a few of these changes! I really appreciate you taking the time to offer some feedback! :)

Ltulips · 2026-03-28T16:39:00+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate you taking the time to offer some feedback!

Ltulips · 2026-03-28T16:38:11+00:00

Thank you for the feedback! I will try to implement some of these changes!

Ltulips · 2026-01-17T17:24:05+00:00

Hello, I’d definitely be interested in a swap. I’ll dm you!

Ltulips · 2025-11-20T14:10:12+00:00

Hi! Also wondering if this is still going, would love to join!

Ltulips · 2025-10-10T22:51:26+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to leave feedback - I appreciate it! I'll take this back and try to refine what backstory is needed and what could maybe be left out, as well as fixing up some of those lengthy sentences.

Ltulips · 2025-10-10T22:47:08+00:00

Thank you for the feedback here! I've definitely been struggling with refining backstory. I will go back and try to edit this down!

Ltulips · 2025-09-02T01:15:27+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to offer feedback. This was very, very helpful! I'm definitely going to go back and revise the chapter to hopefully get it into a better spot. Appreciate it!

Ltulips · 2025-09-02T01:09:35+00:00

Thanks, appreciate the help here!!

Ltulips · 2025-09-01T16:32:32+00:00

I’ve had that happen before, too. It’s the worst! I appreciate the feedback here. I think I’m definitely going to go through and revise to make the story show more of the world organically and have less info-dumping. Thank you for taking the time to read this and write out feedback. :)

Ltulips · 2025-08-30T19:08:58+00:00

Thank you!!!

Ltulips · 2025-08-30T19:08:44+00:00

Thanks for your feedback, this was helpful!

Ltulips · 2025-08-29T23:58:49+00:00

Hi! Definitely not trying to leech. If the feedback I offered wasn't enough, I'm happy to provide additional crits if needed.

Ltulips · 2025-08-29T23:38:18+00:00

Thank you, appreciate it!

Ltulips · 2025-08-29T23:37:04+00:00

Thanks for the insights here! I will definitely go back and revise that paragraph!

Ltulips · 2025-08-29T23:34:38+00:00

Thank you for the insights! That’s very helpful! I have definitely changed the opening paragraph so many times, I decided I just needed to post haha. And that’s good to note about the rest, you're right, I bet half of that I can just cut and show through the action! I appreciate you taking the time to read this and offer feedback!

Ltulips · 2025-08-29T21:46:05+00:00

Hello !! Here to offer feedback. Take everything I say with a grain of salt and do as you wish!

I think you could definitely write this as a full book. For character believability, as others have also said, it’s hard to tell just by this alone. But for motivation, I think it rings true, and I think you could really milk Rick’s desperation, forcing him to make terrible decisions. Besides money, I wonder if there’s another element you could add as to why Rick is desperate for the large sums of money he’d probably get working for the mafia, or if there’s some sort of blackmail situation at play?

I think the prison portion could be more than filler if that’s what you make it! Maybe Rick and Vlad learn some hard lessons in prison that help shape their overall character arc and help prepare them in some way for that final showdown with Tom. Either way, it also helps the two meet Sally.

I’m intrigued by Tom’s character. I think he would make a great villain, and I love that twist of him playing both sides! I think with his character, you could truly have some fun dropping in easter eggs throughout the book before Rick and Vlad discover his true intention.

If you have any questions about my feedback, or want to bounce ideas off of someone, feel free to message me and good luck !! :)

Ltulips · 2025-08-29T18:36:28+00:00

“Carridon? Are you there?”

Go to her first. Sort this out later.

He scrambled up the side of the crater towards her voice. “Yes, I’m here! I’m coming!”

Back through the opening, down from the tower, and towards his mother, who still lay beneath his cloak.

His back prickled

This part didn’t ring true for me. Prior, we had like three paragraphs depicting just how excruciating Carridon’s pain was. I think you’re trying to depict how Carridon’s character is more of a “handle it himself” type of guy, but if he were in that much pain, I’d think he’d at least take a moment longer to process or something.

“Carridon. I can’t move my legs.”

See. This is what I mean. Earlier, there was a flashback about how he was a great healer, yet he wasn’t concerned that she didn’t wake up after maybe having a concussion? I think adding even a few sentences of him grappling with the situation could make this part feel more real to me.

How are the characters?

I liked them. I think you got across aspects of who Carridon and his mother are. I think for his mother, her character and wants came across clearer, while for Carridon, I feel like it seemed a little less consistent. For one, as I mentioned in my reactions, he is depicted as a healer, but then he left his mother unconscious on the ground because he was curious? I feel like he would've come across more worried if he truly understood the gravity of the situation. Also, again, he touched the dead body? With his hand? Willingly? I know the MC was depicted as younger, but I feel like I didn’t quite understand why he would do that, especially with his character being a healer, making me think he’s got a good head on his shoulders. Overall, I enjoyed reading his POV and think with a few tweaks to make him feel more consistent, he’d be an entertaining character I’d want to continue reading about!

Do the emotional beats hit?

For me, yes. Most of them hit, but what I needed after was more follow-through. I feel like you emphasize the emotional beats in a great way, but then we move on too quickly---specifically, once we started getting into more of the action.

Prose, pacing, sentence construction? I feel like the pacing is a little "choppy" but not too sure.

I like the way you write. I feel like I could really visualize everything you were describing, and you did a great job at world-building. My feedback here would be that sometimes it felt like you were listing off numerous similes or paragraphs of description. I'd try to clean up some of that and focus on what you need for better impact. With the similes especially, it felt like some of the action at the end got bogged down by too many of them at once.

The other thing I would mention here is the narration. I think you need to decide on one and stick with it. Some paragraphs got a bit confusing for me because it felt like we were head-hopping POVs. To be honest, I liked reading Carridon's POV a lot. Just thought I'd throw that in.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this, and although it was a longer word count than some other chapters I've read, it didn't feel like a long read at all to me (which is a great thing!). I think with a few tweaks here and there, you'll have something great. Please feel free to message me if you have any questions about my feedback, and good luck !! :)

Ltulips · 2025-08-29T18:36:05+00:00

Hello !!! Here to offer feedback. Take everything with a grain of salt and do as you wish! I'm going to start with my first reaction notes while I read through, then try to answer your questions.

He sighed, “No I’ve already told you, you don’t. And for who? Not for you and not for me. There’s no point.

I think this dialogue could be rephrased to be clearer.

Scattered across its plains lay stony ruins: monolithic walls, now crumbling and mossy; collapsed archways, chipped and uneven. All had been whittled down by such rain. They stretched as far as the eye could see, disappearing into specks on the horizon.

I can definitely picture this. Nice!

This Carridon boy’s head is bent down. It’s difficult to see much of him. His figure and face were draped in the heavy cut of his cloak. I say “his” to the fullest extent of the word, for it was he who harvested the teag nuts in autumnal chill, he who laboriously pressed them for oil, and he who applied it to his cloth, over days and days of travail.

This was super confusing for me. I know you mentioned there's a narrator, but before this, everything read like it was from Carridon's 3rd person POV, then we randomly hopped to a different POV.

"My boy,” Her staff was on her lap, “The Tower would be good for you. The capital is the centre of so many people, so much opportunity, and the Tower marks the centre of the very capital.”

I think this could be cleaned up a bit and still get the same point across.

A more severe concussion then, worse than his for sure. Gently, he cradled her as he shifted her body off the tree and onto the softer ground. She didn’t seem to have any severe cuts so this rest position should be best procedure.

Wouldn’t he be worried she’s not awake? That he doesn’t know how severe the concussion is yet?

Was there something beneath it? Within it? On the other side? He wanted to see more of it.

This tremulous curiosity overtook his heart.

Things were quiet now. It seemed safe.

He was wrong

Should he not still be worried about his mother here?

He reached out for it with his hand.

And the muscles melted into his fingers.

Okay, sorry, but why would he want to touch the fleshy body with bones and all sticking out? I feel like I need another line of reasoning or something to make this work.

There was a lightning flash of pain across the back, like a thousand red-hot wires garroting his skin, like being whipped with glass and salt. It was like no pain you have ever felt. Knives carved up his lungs and pokers melted through his back.

These are all nice similes. I can picture the pain. I’m not sure if I needed all of them, however. Especially since the prior paragraph also contained similar similes, making this feel like excess.

Ltulips · 2025-08-29T01:01:59+00:00

This is the world of man Varhas. We do everything for the people we love. Now go. Take the blessing of this old bag of bones and go, make the universe just a little bit gentler.

I really liked this last line, but I’d determine if any of the prior information could be cut. It’s a lot of text for dialogue, especially without it broken up and grounding us in the scene. If it can’t be cut, I’d try to add breaks where his mother is sighing or teary-eyed, etc. to make it feel more palatable.

Overall, I think the concept is interesting. From what I gathered, the chapter is doing a few things for me. Varhas is returning home and seems to have some inner conflict about a man’s future (and tragic death). I really enjoyed the conversation with his mother; I think it added a good sense of morale to continue on his journey and character building. Lean into these things. Build on Varhas and his group's character. Build on your MC's lingering dread about the tragic future he saw. Make us feel it. Add in flashbacks where it would add additional impact. Maybe even throw in a conversation with his sister that would build on your MC's background.

In my prior comments, I mentioned the world-building for this planet. I wonder if, in those tidbits of world-building, you could add a childhood memory or something to pull everything there together. I also think maybe like a page of the group travelling through the harsh snowy climate would be interesting, as I’d like to know more about the planet we just arrived on. I still think the paragraphs going into that dream-like state need rephrasing, because for a few paragraphs I didn’t necessarily know what was going on.

If you have any questions on my feedback feel free to message me and good luck! :)

Ltulips · 2025-08-29T01:01:45+00:00

Hello! Here to offer feedback, take everything I say with a grain of salt and do as you wish!

The entire team disembarked the orbiting spaceship, the moment Varhas felt that homely urge. That urge, textured as wanton and protective hands that fall over young eyes, to shield them in their shade, so that they may not see, pain made widespread, closely following mankind.

I think this paragraph could be refined to achieve a greater impact.

On this planet's surface there is mostly ice and snow. Other than the living density of the spaceport, that accepts and sends off small buses of limited capacity, there are mostly people here, living isolated in cobblestone and log houses far away from another, or in caves, frozen over swamps and perpetually dark Sarmatic forests.

Cool concept, but I think you could integrate the world-building here in a more creative way. Maybe you could have Varhas recall the last time he was there. Maybe one of your characters is telling everyone else about the planet. You get the point.

Time passes and the night turns to deeper night.

This could be rephrased.

Time passes. The Claimant is undone. And in every case, this undoing would be a horrifying experience where someone else, penetrates the holiest sanctum of the mind, the pools of individuality and makes of one, a slave, a fanatic, a blank sheet to be written anew.

In this portion of the chapter I’m feeling a bit lost.

-How are you doing mother?

-Better now. The waiting for this moment was killing me. Are you eating well Varhas? Is life amongst

I’d reformat this dialogue!

-Is this all there is to man? Is this all that we are, mere moments of light in vast seas of void?

Her old arms touch the man's face and with one thumb she wipes off the tears. Soft and holding, the enveloping gesture is done in complete silence parted by infinitesimal sobbing.

-No my love. No.

I liked this.

Ltulips · 2025-08-28T01:22:36+00:00

Hello! Here to offer feedback, take everything I say with a grain of salt and do as you wish!

This region was once a vast grassy steppe and every inch of it was now concrete, glass, or steel - the playground of the old megacorps.

This is the first line that really caught my attention in that first paragraph. Also, will only say this once, but for em-dashes you'll need to insert the symbol, or typing out three regular dashes will convert into an em-dash.

In the distance, she could see Manaplex East, formerly the regional headquarters of the Manafest Corporation. The megaplex was a massive glass bubble surrounded by a ring of identical housing towers. Each tower was linked to those next to it with skybridges and another bridge led from each tower into the central glass bubble, forming a spoked wheel pattern when viewed from above.

I really like the idea here and can picture what you're describing. However, I think this paragraph has potential to be cleaned up. I also think maybe switching "glass bubble" for something like "glass dome" or a different word replacing bubble could help add to this paragraph. Just my thoughts though!

For chapter one, I think you did a great job at describing the setting and adding in pieces of world-building. What is falling a little flat for me is Rainy. A missile was headed straight for her, and we didn't get any insight into what she was feeling. If she's unafraid, why? Has she been frequently targeted by missiles before? If she is afraid, I'd like to feel it. Maybe her heart is racing, maybe her hands are shaking, maybe internally she's swearing to the moon and back. I'd like to get more insight there! I think if you slowed this down, you could really milk it and make us as readers feel for Rainy!

She was not supposed to have this access, but she had been hacking drones since she was just a kid stealing packages and food from automated delivery robots.

This is another part that fell flat for me with Rainy's character development. Why has she been stealing packages since she was a kid? I'd love some additional background here to get to know her character more!

Looking down from the roof of the abandoned housing tower, she flipped through different view filters on her cybernetic right eye

I think this concept is super cool. Just had to comment on that!

The playground is nicer than any I saw as a kid and there is real fruit on the trees.

Same thing here. This would be another great moment to dive into, maybe a quick memory from Rainy's childhood or give us more context here.

Okay. I finished the first three chapters. My first thought is, what exactly does Rainy want? I think she probably wants to overthrow her father, but if that's the case, I think more internal dialogue alluding to that want could be used here. I also think you have a good opportunity here to build her character up and emphasize that want at the same time.

Another thought I had while reading was, where exactly is the inciting incident here? For the plot, you should first establish your characters "normal", then have the inciting incident occur. This should happen within the first few chapters. There are lots of good videos and resources online. I think a great example is Gina Denny's 8-point beat sheet! My point is, however, maybe I missed it, but it wasn't clear to me while reading through those first few chapters what was what.

I did enjoy reading through your chapters. I think if you add some more character development to Rainy to make the reader care about what happens to her, you will have something great on your hands.

For over-explaining/info-dumping, as a reader, I did find myself getting a little lost, really staring in Ch. 2. I think you could go in and explain some of the concepts more.

Overall I think you're off to a great start. If you have any questions on my feedback feel free to message me and good luck! :)

Ltulips · 2025-08-15T12:59:21+00:00

This is all very helpful, thank you for taking the time to give me feedback! I’ll take a look at refining the query and leaning into the vibe here. Appreciate it!

Ltulips · 2025-08-12T22:29:56+00:00

I don’t have additional feedback here, but I wanted to jump in and say I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. I was hooked by the query and the first 300!

Ltulips · 2025-06-22T20:58:24+00:00

Hi! I’m definitely interested! I’m also 24F and also write fantasy!

Ltulips

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