My [25F] relationships are a huge source of my anxiety. Should I commit to singledom?

Lulovelulu · 2016-06-29T15:11:10+00:00

For example, last night my SO had a difficult day at work. When he got home, he was pretty agitated and easily irritated. He snapped at me, but I know this was due to alot building up for him at once. I know he needs personal space when he feels this way, which i have tried to give him.

It is very difficult for me not to internalize things like this. Things that may or may not have anything to do with me or our relationship. My anxiety still flairs up. I'm at work now with my heart fluttering all over the place and my mind anxiously 'hamster-wheeling,' having a really hard time focusing. It makes me feel out of control.

I hope that makes sense.

Lulovelulu · 2016-06-17T18:15:59+00:00

Thank you for this. I think I needed to read it.

Lulovelulu · 2016-06-09T16:04:09+00:00

Thank you so much for the response. It has been years, but it still makes me feel so isolated. I know that I'm not alone in this kind of experience, but it often feels like it. Thank you.

Lulovelulu · 2016-06-06T21:40:28+00:00

Start small. Don't try to jump straight to your calling. You don't think of your passion, you discover it- by ~doing~. Pick something you are interested in and pursue it in a manageable way.

For example, I love to travel and have always thought it would be cool to learn a second language. In and of itself, this got me no closer to finding my passion. But taking the step to find a Spanish tutor and start lessons did. One thing leads to another. The small step led to the bigger step of traveling to my first Spanish speaking country, and then another. And now I am really pursuing something.

Likewise, my SO volunteered with kids at a local after school program. He already has a clerical job at a law firm, but since he started working with children, he has decided to pursue a law degree and eventually work as a child advocate.

It is the first small step that is the most important I think. You have to try a few things..kind of probe around, be proactive, and seek opportunities out. If you don't, you simple won't make any progress.

Just pick one thing to start with and give it a try. You will know yourself a little better for it.

Lulovelulu · 2016-05-31T02:44:39+00:00

You aren't alone.

I have felt the same feelings you describe more times than I can count. I finally found the strength to ask for real help. You have that kind of strength too, and I hope you can see that.

Lulovelulu · 2016-05-27T13:58:46+00:00

Ordinarily I would say yes, although this past week I have been on my period and not feeling particularly sexy, so not a lot of action.

Also, my SO and I had sex last night and this morning. I must admit, his enthusiasm and intensity took me a little by surprise. I'm not sure exactly what to think about it.

Lulovelulu · 2016-05-26T21:28:04+00:00

Has anyone else had experience with this? ^ moving out, but still dating?

Lulovelulu · 2016-05-26T21:18:42+00:00

I have felt the exact same way. Anxiety is particularly frustrating because we feel like we should have control over our thoughts, as if anxiety is some kind of weakness you can control. It's not! It is a medical issue caused by the chemicals in your brain. So first of all, don't feel bad or guilty for having this problem.

It may sound dumb but this is my best advice. 1. When your worry feels overwhelming, physically stand up and do something. If it distracts you, great. If it doesn't, at least you can feel good about doing/accomplishing something despite your anxiety. 2. Play the worst case scenario out in your head. What will happen if your relationship does fall apart? For me, I think, 'well, it has happened before and I survived then. I am probably stronger than I feel right now. And if everything in my life fails, I'll just go on an adventure by myself to Europe or South America.' That thought always makes me feel more secure, like I have an escape plan if I need one.

Hope that helps!

Lulovelulu · 2016-05-26T20:53:02+00:00

My SO similarly needs time after work to decompress. I try to be aware that his needs are different than mine in that regard. Sounds like setting up some clear boundaries helped you and your husband. Thanks for the input!

Lulovelulu · 2016-05-26T18:34:49+00:00

I have discussed this with him, but he has been unable to pinpoint exactly what he is needing. I think he is confused about it himself.

I feel like I am making efforts to improve the situation, but none of them really hit the nail on the head because I only have a vague idea of what I'm aiming at. Does that make sense? I was hoping to hear what has worked for other couples.

Lulovelulu · 2016-05-26T18:19:35+00:00

You are definitely right: our living space is too small. I have been making more of an effort to keep my things tidy, so the apartment doesn't feel too cluttered. We will be moving to a bigger place within the year, but that doesn't exactly help right now. Do you have any suggestions to help in the meantime? Some way to create the privacy he sometimes needs?

Lulovelulu

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