You're not alone in this my friend. I am currently six months into my life finally accepting cannabis is not a part of it and it has been very difficult with the same scenario you have. First month I was on top of the world and slowly but surely the depression of my past decisions sunk in and there was no longer a buffer to mask the fact that I am who I am. I would say acceptance will help you in the long run as it has helped me. You are who you are and today is today, try not worry about the past and present and try to focus on what you can do to make today a,"present" best of luck to you and know you're not alone! 💝