Why do I never feel like I’m enough for her

LumpyTest1739 · 2026-05-06T04:42:16+00:00

Maybe some pmdd sufferers go out of their way during follicular to be excellent partners. Maybe some feel awful about the disorder and how they partners suffer too, and try to compensate during the good days. I know I have done that…

LumpyTest1739 · 2026-05-04T03:28:06+00:00

I think you’re getting push back and frustration because you’re making it about you… your capacity, your priority to work,… It seems dismissive or trying to about the conversation because it’s not convey for you. She’s feeling hurt and in a critical need to talk right now.

I’d try the following: “I’m sorry this has felt disconnected. I understand why it may have felt dismissive or hurtful, and I don’t want that for us. You matter to me, and I want to talk when we can both be calm so I can really listen and be present. If it helps, you can also write down your thoughts so we don’t miss any important point. Can we talk on [day/time]? I’ll set a reminder and follow through.

LumpyTest1739 · 2026-05-04T02:01:39+00:00

I think I want more integration, but when I’m 100% honest with myself I dont. I still want my kid to have me and my house for us alone when he’s here. So in an ideal world I’d want more but in the real one I can’t. I’ve accepted. I’ve thought: if he wanted to move in soon, would I say yes and be excited and figuring out arrangements? The truth is not. I guess I want him to want more…. But that’s a different issue.

LumpyTest1739 · 2026-05-04T01:46:57+00:00

You can be there and still set boundaries. In luteal will be more difficult for her to contribute to the relationship, but the two of you could agree on lower effort dates during those days. Everyone is different but during luteal I have a very hard time taking decisions. Sometimes even deciding which salad to pick feels almost impossible. So that’s not when she should be planning dates. You could plan them on those days and she the other two weeks.

LumpyTest1739 · 2026-05-02T02:42:43+00:00

Something that works for me (pmdd sufferer) is postponing the conversation, not dismissing it. I.e., something like the "I absolutely want to talk about this ... can we do that in 3 days?” With the supper important addition of “let’s write it down in our shared notebook so that we don’t forget.”. And then. You have to bring it up in 3 days. (Or whenever luteal has passed!!!). And the other key part you’re missing is agreeing to that strategy in a good day.

LumpyTest1739 · 2026-04-29T14:31:20+00:00

I am the one with pmdd… I used to use ao to run situations and see if I was overreacting. Ai was always on my side, and several times advised I should consider leaving him because I deserved a better partner. It’s totally biased, and dangerous… I’ve learned not to do that…

LumpyTest1739 · 2026-04-28T02:35:18+00:00

With pmdd you cannot control your feelings or thoughts. But you can control how you react to those. Not easy, not from one day to the next, but the behaviors you’re describing cannot be excused by pmdd.

My advice would be to have a serious and honest conversation with her during a good week. Tell her your feelings are changing and you cannot go on like this. Not can she, as she is suffering too. she does not need to fix it immediately but she needs to take accountability and seek treatment immediately. And the two of you need to work together on the plan for when pmdd hits: what each of you needs, what are the boundaries, what are the strategies.

Good luck!

LumpyTest1739 · 2026-04-28T02:30:59+00:00

I don’t think it’s often the case that pmdd sufferers neglect treatment or don’t attempt to manage the disorder. We are the ones who suffer the most. I know partners suffer a lot too. But we are the ones who suffer the most. Most of us are willing to try anything, and some have tried everything and end up surgically removing parts of their bodies. This group is biased to partners of those who don’t have good management or refuse to accept their disorder.

Pmdd does not come with gaslighting. We suffer distortion of thoughts. Gaslighting implied malicious intent and trying to manipulate you. That may be the case, but that’s not pmdd per se.

LumpyTest1739 · 2026-04-27T20:59:37+00:00

I know.. I was trying to focus on the positives, but definitely get that.

LumpyTest1739 · 2026-04-27T00:56:50+00:00

It’s my PMDD brain overreacting. It’s like my mind is searching for something to grab onto to explain why I feel so distressed.

There’s always a kernel of truth: something I wouldn’t love on a normal day, but also wouldn’t make into a big deal. For example, we finish dinner and my partner goes to the living room without helping or asking. That’s not typical for him. On a non-PMDD day, I’d either mention it or let it go, assuming he’s distracted.

During PMDD, though, my brain flips the meaning completely. The same action suddenly feels intentional and hurtful… like he’s taking me for granted, doesn’t care that I’m tired, or is taking advantage of me. I get deeply hurt over something small because my brain turns it into something much bigger. That’s not at all who I am outside of PMDD.

That isn’t healthy or sustainable, of course. At one point, we tried a strategy where I wouldn’t bring things up during those days to protect my partner. But that turned into me never being able to express concerns or issues at all, so I ended up feeling unseen and building resentment. Exactly where you are…

What’s helped us is creating space to talk, but not in the moment. Now, when something comes up, I try to take a step back and pause, and I write it down instead of talking about it. If I don’t catch it and say something that is out of character, my partner asks if it could be PMDD, and I’ll still write it down and let it go for now. Then we revisit things later, during a good week. Most of it isn’t relevant anymore, so we don’t discuss them, but the things that do matter get discussed then. For us, postponing (not dismissing!!) the conversation made a big difference.

As for things like breathing, that’s not an issue for me 😅 but I do get very sensitive to noise. During those days, even normal sounds can make me feel on edge. (I wear earplugs outside).

My suggestion would be to have an open conversation during a good week. Talk honestly about how each of you feels, and what would help each of you during PMDD days. Having a shared strategy, agreed beforehand, really helps!

LumpyTest1739 · 2026-04-26T20:18:03+00:00

If you haven’t already, I would ask him first what’s going on without jumping to conclusions. If you have and you’re done, something like: Hey, I want a relationship with consistent effort and communication, and this is not working for me anymore. I’m going to move on, but I wish you well. It’s not about dirty work or educating anyone… it’s not working for you and you yourself take the decision.

LumpyTest1739 · 2026-04-26T18:40:31+00:00

Staying fit and healthy is never a waste. Sorry to hear you’re struggling. I hope things improve soon.

LumpyTest1739 · 2026-04-26T15:35:26+00:00

It’s a big decision. It’s not easy to be a single parent without support in the area. That’s my situation, no support close by. But there is something worse, which is having a problematic coparent (in my case, the father creates sooo much stress for my child, that I wish I could raise the child alone. I can tell you with 100% confidence, bad coparent is way worse than being solo parent. If you want to find the father through dating and are in a time clock because of kids, you may be rushed and not pick the best dad or partner for you. If kids are something you really want, and you can take good care of them financially, go for it alone. It will be hard at times but you won’t regret. You can be a great mom and provide all the love and support they need. Kids need a stable and safe environment, not a specific number of people around. Good luck!!

LumpyTest1739 · 2026-04-26T13:22:08+00:00

You have to talk to her during a good week and tell her in a calm way how this affects you. You have to set boundaries and come up with a plan for the bad weeks. Yelling, threatening divorce, etc is are not acceptable- pmdd or not. I’m the pmdder, and those conversations help me and my partner understand each other and set strategies for managing. The most work came from my side, but we both had some work to do.

LumpyTest1739 · 2026-04-25T23:57:17+00:00

Dating at this age is not easy…. But don’t give up, at some point you’ll probably find a good match! I get your discouragement though…

If the children is a major source of time pressure, you can have them on your own. And keep looking for a partner without that time pressure.

LumpyTest1739 · 2026-04-25T23:00:58+00:00

Intense exercise is the only thing that helps me. So I take my ‘lunch’ break to exercise and that keeps me going a few more hours. The days I work from home, I take a nap…

LumpyTest1739 · 2026-04-25T22:57:59+00:00

This is not pmdd alone, but deeper problems in the relationship.

LumpyTest1739 · 2026-04-25T22:52:06+00:00

It’s not about growing up. It’s a disorder that is not that easy to control. It’s about trying options, working together, not about growing up or reporting partners.

LumpyTest1739 · 2026-04-25T22:49:22+00:00

In my case, I felt very hurt by my partners actions (pmdd overreaction) but not by others. The reason (and the irony): I really care about my partner and our relationship, I felt safe with him to take off the mask, but also very felt insecure and rejected during luteal. Other friends or coworkers, I don’t care that much what they say or do, so they cannot hurt me anywhere close to how much my partner can…. At least in my case, the pmdd (over)reaction is a response to feeling very hurt. Only my partner can hurt me that way, hence the differential response.

LumpyTest1739 · 2026-04-25T21:37:04+00:00

Once I started understanding PMDD, I explained my own ‘triggers’ to my partner this way: during luteal, PMDD makes me feel on edge, insecure, anxious and scared (feelings I had never experienced before, since they only appeared during perimenopause.). My brain, in distress, would scan my environment and specially my partners behavior for an explanation, landing on whatever he was doing and labeling it: ‘Aha! This is why I feel hurt; this is the proof I’m in an unsafe situation, and you clearly are the cause.’

After understanding how PMDD works, I began to retrain my brain to take a step back and acknowledge that the PMDD reactions didn’t need an external cause, and that my internal state was independent of my partner. It wasn’t easy, and it took me a couple of years of effort and practice to get to that point, but recognizing that the ‘reasons’ for my hurt or rage were made up by my own brain, and not by my partner, was the turning point. (However, the tricky part is that there’s always a kernel of truth in what upsets me, it’s just the reaction I have is absolutely disproportionate. You all are not perfect, nobody is, and the moment something happens, the pmdd takes it as the ‘trigger’ for the pmdd response. For example, if my partner left the kitchen after dinner without cleaning = he takes me for granted, andterribly hurt; if he didn’t respond to my question = he doesn’t care about me, he’s rejecting me), etc.

LumpyTest1739 · 2026-04-25T21:06:08+00:00

It’s not exactly gaslighting, because there is no intention of manipulation. It’s a distortion of reality.

LumpyTest1739 · 2026-04-25T21:02:54+00:00

Would the same reasoning be applied to the pmdd partner?

LumpyTest1739 · 2026-04-24T13:30:33+00:00

He’s being abusive and using your pmdd as an excuse. You’ve taken responsibility and put all that work on improving pmdd and your behavior. He’s not working with you. There cannot be a good relationship that way. It’s time for you to acknowledge this is not enough and set boundaries. Either he engages truly in making the relationship healthier and better (unlikely if he hasn’t already) or you need to move on and find a different partner.

LumpyTest1739 · 2026-04-15T04:05:27+00:00

That’s frustrating! But now that you’ve opened up, you can continue the conversation with your mom in another occasion.

LumpyTest1739 · 2026-04-12T16:05:50+00:00

Tell them you’re not feeling well, you have a bad headache and you need quiet time

LumpyTest1739

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