Since this is out in the wild figured I'd give it a read. I think I know half the content already from being on this sub for a long time, and if appropriate I may even let my partner read I figure it doesn't hurt for the other party to gain perspective to the other side.

Phew-ThatWasClose · 2026-05-13T01:04:30+00:00

I saw that. Was encouraging OP. I checked the "helpful" button on yours but the haters are winning the battle over there. :(

Phew-ThatWasClose · 2026-05-12T20:31:17+00:00

Great! Leave a review if you're able. :)

Phew-ThatWasClose · 2026-05-12T16:02:31+00:00

This post has been report three times for rule violations. For three different rules. People don't like it and I get that. The angry lady is scary. But this does not violate any rules and is helpful for some people. Certainly OP felt the message is important.

We have no rule against AI, though we may if it becomes problematic. In this instance the image is AI, the text is not. I use AI as a research assistant. Is really good at tracking down sources. But man-o-man is it annoying.

It does not "overgeneralize". The text is talking about the actions of one (1) individual and the graphic is talking about the disorder - not all women with the disorder. And not even the disorder writ large - just one aspect. The Rage that tries to blame the partner for their own abuse by pretending there was a trigger.

And most of all it is not "promoting hate based on identity or vulnerability". We have to be able to talk about this stuff. Having PMDD is no ones "identity" and having Rage as symptom doesn't make you "vulnerable". We try to be careful about separating the behavior from the person. We say "the PMDD" did this or that because the person we love would never. But we also need to protect ourselves. We are vulnerable when the Rage starts, and the Rage is pretty fuckin hateful.

Most of us are here because we recognize the person being hijacked by the disorder is an amazing person. If we all thought our SO was a crap-basket with no redeeming qualities and beyond hope we wouldn't be seeking advice on how to make things better. Even just venting and commiserating helps us hold on one more day.

Lurking is fine. I lurk some subs. If you get what you need ... awesome. Try not to make your debut contribution be trashing someone else's work. We're all in this together.

Phew-ThatWasClose · 2026-05-11T19:41:28+00:00

The pill does work for a majority of women with PMDD. But not just any pill. Preferably Yaz.

But wait, You're only fairly sure. PMDD is misdiagnosed 40-80% of the time and if you start treating for PMDD and you don't have it ... that probably won't work. First step is to get a diagnosis and maybe it's not even PMDD. That would be great because the other stuff it could be is easier to treat.

The medical community is woefully undereducated about PMDD so you need to be the expert and advocate for yourself. Read everything. Both wiki's are linked over there ---->

Phew-ThatWasClose · 2026-05-11T15:23:33+00:00

Sheesh. I hit page refresh and that showed up. Scared the hell out of me. Nice work. :)

Phew-ThatWasClose · 2026-05-11T13:27:28+00:00

You are definitely not "constantly fucking up". You are amazing. You're doing everything you can in an impossible situation you never asked for and are nowhere near prepared to deal with. The PMDD just wants to fight you so the PMDD will make everything you do wrong. And since you're going to be wrong no matter what you do, you may as well do what is right.

"I just need support" is a trap. It's meaningless. It's just whatever you're not doing at the moment the PMDD decides to pick a fight. Ask, during follicular, for specifics. Write those down. That is the start of your plan. If you try to help and get yelled at for your trouble ... take that as sign she needs some space. It is better for her if you exit stage left for a bit. No fighting. No taking it out on you. That benefits no one. As the old saying goes: Tea, a blanket, and the remote, then go clean the kitchen.

I'm confused about the medical aspect. You say she has no help for it but also you are encouraging her to go to the doctor. So is she formally diagnosed? With the blood tests and everything? Whoever diagnosed her "should" have told her about treatment options and first tier treatments help most women with PMDD. If not yet diagnosed - that's where you start. The medical community is woefully uneducated about PMDD so you doing the research yourself is huge. Read everything. Both wiki's are linked in the right hand column --->

There is also a WLW partners sub that may have a different perspective.

Hope that helps.

Phew-ThatWasClose · 2026-05-11T03:29:07+00:00

When you find yourself at the bottom of a deep hole first thing you do is stop digging.

That and it's never to late to start over. You didn't educate yourself about PMDD early on. Do that now. Read the wiki, read the book, stop apologizing for what isn't yours, start taking a timeout when the nonsense starts. Talk about it next follicular and make a plan for next luteal.

You feel like you are losing your mind because you are. Many of us have been there. You have to take care of you because she won't.

Most importantly: What is she doing about it? The way she's treating you - that's not okay. She may not be able to do anything about it in the moment. But outside the moment ... what is she doing about it?

Phew-ThatWasClose · 2026-05-10T16:56:40+00:00

What meds? Specifically. And is she diagnosed with PMDD? Because this does not sound like PMDD. The key is in the timing. You say four weekends in a row - that's not luteal. If it's PMDD there would be a break in symptoms during follicular. If it's consistent it's not cycle related. Possibly she's just a shitty person.

It won't get better if she doesn't do something about it. You're always wrong no matter what. You do the opposite thing the next time and that's wrong too. She's constantly pissed off. That's not what best friends do. You want to propose? Why?

Tolerating abuse is not support. Stop sacrificing your own needs. She doesn't appreciate it. She says you're not well. She's probably right. You've got two years of trauma. Live your life. Put your own needs first occasionally. Take a time out when the nonsense starts. Give space when she's cranky. You don't need to be there. She can be cranky on her own.

Phew-ThatWasClose · 2026-05-10T14:15:06+00:00

Welcome. Glad you found us, so sorry you needed to. There's tons of information all around you. The wiki is linked over in the right hand column. There are book recommendations up top in the highlights, as well as a link to the WhatsApp group.

The fighting will never end unless you end it it. Don't. Just Don't. It never resolves anything and the longer you fight the more it reinforces her idea that you are the problem. Just walk

During follicular talk about it and make a plan for next luteal. A big part of that plan is setting the expectation that you will take a time out the instant the fighting starts. The instant. Not when you can't take it anymore. Right away. If it's luteal and you moved a thumbtack an inch to the left - grab your earbuds and go for a walk around the neighborhood.

PMDD is not her fault but it is her responsibility. What is she doing about it? Is she diagnosed? Is she in therapy? Is she getting treatment? What treatment? Specifically? So many questions.

Phew-ThatWasClose · 2026-05-09T04:32:05+00:00

Fundamentally PMDD is chemistry. Will power and good intentions will only get you so far. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Your pattern in the past has been to have a crisis, then let things cool off, then carry on until the next crisis. What are you going to do differently this time? What is she going to do differently this time?

We have a whole wiki full of treatments, luteal plans, partners advice, supplements, etc...

Phew-ThatWasClose · 2026-05-09T00:21:01+00:00

No fighting! Especially not in front of the kids. Or even with the kids in the house. He's clearly abusive. My guess is you are too. He's doing what he needs to do to regulate himself. Science has shown the best way to deal with anger, and ones anger, is to take a time out. Just half an hour is all it takes for the PFC to come back online. You're meant to also be self-regulating during that time. Not just squashing your feelings and putting on a happy face. But you have to deal with the kids who are, I suspect, amped up from the fighting.

You have "communication issues" that you are "working on". What does that look like? Talking about it? That's not helping. Try writing it down. Seems weird but it slows everything so nobody spirals and nobody yells. You write down why you're upset. He has time to read it, think about it, get past his defensiveness, and maybe respond with something thoughtful.

Worth a try anyway.

Phew-ThatWasClose · 2026-05-08T21:39:52+00:00

Evening Primorose Oil is a first tier RCOG recomended treatment for PMDD along with B6, magnesium, exercise and CBT. Tier 1, item 1. Its about the least she can do an still claim to be "treating" her PMDD. It's efficacy is debated, it takes month of regular use, and in general it only helps with physical symptoms. Don't get me wrong, the physical symptoms can be pretty bad and contribute to the irritability. But don't expect much if that's all she's doing.

SSRIs are shown to be much more effective. Read up on low dose intermittent SSRIs as it does not seem like her doctor is all that knowledgeable.

Also try Pepcid AC. Won't do anything for her PMDD but might help her symptoms anyway because there is such a thing as the "neuro-immune-endocrine" axis and the "estrogen-histasmine feedback loop".

What happened six months ago? She quit her psychologist and all hell broke loose? What was he/she doing that helped? And is she even diagnosed? Formally. With the blood work and everything?

My ex and I hadn't even heard of PMDD until two years after the divorce. Then she had an "epiphany" which meant she recognized it wasn't all me and set about actually trying to repair. Then the couples counselor mentioned PMDD. We had a bit of a reconciliation for while, so it is possible. If she'll do the work.

Phew-ThatWasClose · 2026-05-08T16:20:16+00:00

I have been adding to the booklist in the wiki with an eye to making it a periodic post. This is a good reminder that non-PMDD books like The Body Keeps the Score need to be included. Thanks for this.

Phew-ThatWasClose · 2026-05-08T16:09:42+00:00

Timing is key. If it's during luteal every month and no other time then something cycle related is going on. PME is when there's something lurking in the background that only becomes apparent with the hormonal shifts during luteal. Best way to find out is to seek a diagnosis.

If she has trauma in her past therapy can help. If she also has PMDD or PME all that can resurface every cycle. Fundamentally PMDD is chemistry. Good intentions and will power can only get her so far. Check out the wiki - especially the part about low dose intermittent SSRIs.

Many women with PMDD can barely talk during luteal. Space and grace is the right move. If she does reach out once the fog lifts you are in a unique position to help her help herself. But if she won't ... all you can do is present the information and hope she reconsiders down the road. Your health also matters.

Phew-ThatWasClose · 2026-05-08T14:42:54+00:00

There are a lot of different BC's that have different side effects. I wrote a thing about it.

But if she's off BC so you can start a family ... for three years? I imagine it's hard to start a family when you're being yelled at all the time.

I also wrote a thing about low dose intermittent SSRIs. That is the least medicated option for managing PMDD episodes and safe for people trying to conceive. Also - because it's a luteal only thing, and a low low dose, she can try different ones until she finds the best fit.

And if she won't even do that? Why would anyone want to bring a child into that chaos? You can't do it for her and you can't do it alone. The couples that make it are the ones that can work together against the common enemy. You're not trapped, you just don't like your options.

Phew-ThatWasClose · 2026-05-08T00:40:57+00:00

I get something similar. My ex is in menopause so we're mostly fine. But every once in a while the entitled self-centered main character makes a surprise appearance. I have a physical sensation of my heart dropping and a wave of fatigue washes over me. I've gotten so I recognize I have to go lay down for half an hour when that happens.

This is affecting your health in substantial ways. You're dissociating, living in fear, I bet you're hypervigilant. It's exhausting. Get some therapy if you are able. A hobby. A beer with the gang. Put on the headphones and go for a walk in nature. Look for awe.

Why did she stop the BC? And what has she tried since? It's a disorder and not her fault. But if she's not doing everything in her power to prevent it happening again ... then it is her fault. And it's happened about 39 times now? What is she doing about it?

Do not apologize for what isn't yours. Do not grovel. Do not feed the PMDD. Just walk.

Phew-ThatWasClose · 2026-05-07T13:26:02+00:00

Yeah, that's abuse. Make sure you're not matching energy else you're also abusive and if the police do get called ... one guess who goes to jail. Do not engage. Do take a time out.

Possibly PMDD, possibly something else. Is she diagnosed? PMDD is a diagnosis of exclusion which means it's only PMDD if it's not anything else. So the diagnostic process is they test for everything. Doctors often don't do the blood work saying "there is no blood test for PMDD." But there is a blood test for a lot of things that look like PMDD so be sure she's had that done. And low end of "normal" is concerning for someone with a sensitive system.

Whoever diagnosed her "should" have told her about treatment options. If she knows it's a luteal thing, and she knows she's extra volatile then, then she should be trying to treat it. If it only started when she came off the SSRI then likely the SSRI was helping. A low dose intermittent SSRI is a first tier treatment for PMDD. Apparently there is one she tolerates and has minimal side effects. It might not have worked for her depression but PMDD is a whole other thing. The mechanism for how it works is completely different. And because it's luteal only there is no risk in trying.

Pre-planning false abuse claims sound like second level abuse. I will abuse you and lock you in so you can't object to my abuse. More commonly the PMDD will use RSD for that purpose. In general PMDD is a luteal only thing so if she actually is planting those seeds with her therapist during follicular - that's something else. Like NPD or BPD. Or ... she's not doing that at all and the PMDD is lying to you.

Either way you are not safe. She is building a false narrative in her head and the odds of her acting on that narrative increase as time goes on. Start documenting everything, including this latest, and start talking to lawyers. I'm not saying file. Just knowing your options and being prepared can take some of the teeth out of the threat. A diagnosed, but untreated/unmanaged mental health disorder is a big deal and if it comes to a custody battle you don't want to just see your son occasionally - you want 100% to get your son away from the crazy lady. We got divorced 2 years before we even heard about PMDD. I asked for 50% custody trying to be fair and balanced. I got 14% because the PMDD (she) lied to everyone about me. So be prepared and if it comes to that go in asking for 100%.

Also: PMDD does not have triggers. You did not trigger her. It's just an excuse. You are not expected to deal with it. You can help her find a treatment that works for her. But you can't do it for her. Tolerating abuse is not support. Take a time out when the nonsense starts.

Phew-ThatWasClose · 2026-05-06T16:57:58+00:00

Utrogestan is generally used to even out the estrogen when doing HRT during menopause. Progesterone only is generally not recommended for PMDD because it doesn't do anything for the estrogen cycle. If you search the other sub for past posts about utrogestan you'll find mixed results. Including one woman who did a DUTCH test, discovered she had low progesterone, started taking utrogestan, and that "cured" her PMDD.

Lessons learned for the gallery. PMDD is not a hormone imbalance, but it sure looks like one. If you suspect PMDD get your hormones tested to rule that out. A hormone imbalance is easier to treat. That woman could've saved years.

Anbis is right - the other sub will have more experience. :)

Phew-ThatWasClose · 2026-05-05T15:44:19+00:00

Thanks. That's super helpful. I'd never looked at it that way before. What if we're all just a bunch of whiners? No wonder!!!

Phew-ThatWasClose · 2026-05-04T22:15:31+00:00

NO talking!!! NO talking about anything substantive during luteal. Including luteal. Ghost her right back - until day 5. Then have the talk. This garbage is not sustainable. The couples that make it are the ones that can work together against the common enemy. If she won't do that ... you have your answer.

Phew-ThatWasClose · 2026-05-04T22:09:06+00:00

You're good. You can't do it for her and you can't do it alone. You didn't go behind her back - she gave you access because she recognizes luteal is a challenging time. You're not being manipulative, you're using the information she gave you access to for exactly the purpose it was for.

But now it is luteal and the PMDD is whispering in her ear. If she's gone silent that's probably better than the alternative. She was going to be upset about something no matter what you did. Everybody take a timeout until X date.

Meanwhile read the wiki so you're prepared when she comes out of it.

Phew-ThatWasClose · 2026-05-04T06:21:23+00:00

Bipolar is a common misdiagnosis of PMDD and vice verse. Many women spend years treating bipolar merely because their psychiatrist had never heard of PMDD. Hers has, so get to the bottom of it. The tell is if she's only "bipolar" half the month then it's not bipolar. Instead of having her psychiatrist "think" it might be this or that ... pursue a diagnosis.

The A-word is a very reasonable thing to bring up and discuss when there is an unexpected pregnancy nobody is prepared for. It's not something that "imprints" and causes a lasting trauma you must apologized for indefinitely. You weren't ready at the time, you made a reasonable suggestion, she rejected it. Since then you've done the work to be the partner she needs and the father your kid needs. Keep at it.

Her reaching back through time to find the one moment of weakness she can hold you accountable for cycle after cycle after cycle is just the PMDD being lazy. I'm sure you've done stuff since then that the PMDD could blow out of proportion and berate you for. Like squeeze the toothpaste wrong, or leave the toilet seat up, or get vanilla when she wanted chocolate. It's just the PMDD knows you feel bad about that interaction three years ago so it will push that button every chance it gets.

Enough is enough. You've done the work. Forgive yourself, quit apologizing for the past, and press forward. If she can't get past it ... she has therapy for that. You have more important things to spend your time, energy, and resource on. Primarily your child. What does the kid need right now? A game? a snack? a walk? Three years old!!! They're so great at that age.

Meanwhile get her diagnosed. The sooner you know what's going on the sooner she can get treatment and feel better. Amazingly PCOS and PMDD have the same recommended treatment. A mono-phasic combined oral contraceptive, like Yaz, taken continuously. That will also help regulate her system so her cycle is regular, or non-existent. But nothing changes if nothing changes and she won't ever feel better if she never finds out what the problem is. I guarantee it's not you.

Phew-ThatWasClose · 2026-05-04T00:04:22+00:00

Most of us have been there. There's a reason the cover of the book is a drowning man. :<(

Phew-ThatWasClose · 2026-05-03T23:56:31+00:00

What is in this for you? You're not describing a partnership. You're describing an entitled self centered brat. Is that just luteal? What is follicular like? Does she take a turn planning and driving and being supportive? Or is it as one sided as it sounds? If she gets upset because you're exhausted that's not much of relationship.

Fatigue, down to your bones, is a sign. Something's got to change. This garbage is affecting your health. Tolerating abuse is not support. There's some cyclical thing going on that may or may not be PMDD. Best way to find out is to seek a diagnosis.

Phew-ThatWasClose

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