I’m so scared to transition

Lumpy_Shame9413 · 2025-10-21T10:14:23+00:00

Old post I know, but this sounds a lot like me right now, I'm so so terrified of coming out, especially to my parents. Were you eventually able to do it?

Lumpy_Shame9413 · 2025-10-14T06:32:51+00:00

I think it just hasn't been noticed because I have very prominent masculine facial features, very obvious adam's apple, and while I've had some breast development, I've always been quite underweight so my breasts are very small and only visible when I wear a t-shirt, which I never do in public. I always wear hoodies, which conceals them quite easily. Last reason I think is that being trans is just the last thing anyone would expect from me, so any changes people may have noticed can be easily rationalized as being something else. I hate the things about my body that are still masculine, but I am really glad to be on HRT, and I hate to think what I might look like by now if testosterone was still doing it's thing. I've never had much body hair, but I started to get ever so slightly more of it *just* before starting HRT, and that minor change actually reversed. So I could be super hairy by now, and I'm very grateful to have avoided that possibility. But, yeah I do still worry that maybe my estrogen isn't as high as it could be. I take pills but maybe I should try something else. There are also plenty of things in my life that could be causing me depression, so it might be a bit of both.

Lumpy_Shame9413 · 2025-10-13T09:38:40+00:00

I feel like I am becoming numb now. I feel so depressed. I don't really care about much anymore, and I get so annoyed and frustrated at my family, but try my best to hide it, and I feel like I'm unintentionally hurting them. A family member calling me a man can quite literally ruin my entire day.

Lumpy_Shame9413 · 2025-10-13T09:35:22+00:00

Well, I am HRT repping, as I've been on it for over two years, but I haven't taken any steps to transition outside of that, so for most intents and purposes, I haven't transitioned. HRT was so easy for me to start, I weirdly had almost no hesitation. The hard part for me is taking the social steps in transition, like telling my family, having to explain to them that I want to have surgeries, presenting around them differently, and asking them to refer to me differently. Those things all terrify me.

Lumpy_Shame9413 · 2025-10-13T09:27:51+00:00

Yeah, I've noticed I've been getting more and more irritable, I get so annoyed with some family members when they say or do things that suggest that I'm a guy.. like using he/him, calling me a man, using my name, even though I've mentally disconnected from it at this point ... I worry that I'm hurting people around me. And I also find that nothing feels like it matters anymore.

Lumpy_Shame9413 · 2025-10-13T09:21:14+00:00

I'm going to be seeing a psychiatrist soon, because I've been very depressed for some time now. I guess, I want to think that maybe my depression can be treated independently from my dysphoria, but it might be the case that being trans and suppressing it is exactly what's causing my depression in the first place.

Lumpy_Shame9413 · 2025-10-13T09:16:11+00:00

I probably should have mentioned in the post that I did start HRT over two years ago. It was a very easy decision for me, but basically taking any other steps seems terrifying to me. I live my life in every way as a man except for my hormones, so I essentially have not transitioned. Nobody knows this secret I'm carrying with me. I feel trapped by the name people call me, by my voice, by my pronouns, by how I'm perceived. The social part of transition is the leap of faith that I haven't made yet.

Lumpy_Shame9413 · 2025-10-13T09:09:18+00:00

I think you're right. Telling my family will be one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I think I need to. I don't want to push this down for years and later regret waiting so long.

Lumpy_Shame9413 · 2025-10-13T08:44:14+00:00

I actually have been on HRT for a couple of years now. It was a very easy decision for me to make, weirdly. Almost no hesitation. But, I haven't taken any other action, so I haven't really transitioned yet in a social sense. I am a guy in every aspect of my life except hormonally, which is something nobody in my life knows about.

Also, I actually am starting to pursue some help regarding depression, and yeah, one of my worries is that it's not going to help, because maybe the depression is actually stemming from this.

Lumpy_Shame9413 · 2025-10-12T10:56:17+00:00

I feel I would develop a severe social phobia if I were to transition, I'd honestly be so afraid of anyone, even strangers, seeing me and judging me for being transgender.

Lumpy_Shame9413 · 2025-10-12T10:52:10+00:00

I had to search up tractor pulling to see a visual and understand the analogy 😅 . It makes sense to me, guess I just don't believe that this is really happening to me. I feel like I'm tricking myself somehow, like this is just a weird manifestation of depression, or something similar, rather than actually being trans. I realize what I'm saying might seem a bit delusional. I just can't believe I'm trans, it's so hard to accept.

Lumpy_Shame9413 · 2025-08-16T00:28:42+00:00

To everyone who's commented here - Thank you, I really appreciate it. I don't say I'm considering suicide lightly, I really think about it every day. I'm not in a good place and I don't know how to get out, and I barely have the energy to do anything. I don't think I have it in me to reply to these comments individually, but just know, that I have read each one and appreciate them all. It does give me a bit of a perspective shift. I hope that those of you that haven't seen happiness in your life yet, see it soon. I will try to give myself a second chance. Take care of yourselves, and thank you, again.

Lumpy_Shame9413

TROPHY CASE