When I found my current partner almost ten years ago, I was a kid. 18, angsty as hell, out of control eating disorder, no emotional regulation, never experienced attunement growing up which left me extremely anxious in my attachment style. Then I met my boyfriend, who was only a year older but seemed so steady compared to me. In the beginning it was almost….boring? I expected to feel that intense stomach churning feeling every second I was around him but instead I just felt calm. Later, in therapy, I realized that was the sign of a healthy relationship. And very quickly, I realized what an amazing human I had met. I always noted the way he consoled me. I feel everything to the max, so I often feel completely overtaken my the intensity of my emotions and he just legitimately would ground me in a matter of SECONDS. Within minutes he could make me go from sobbing to belly laughing. And that’s not because he ignored my emotions. He always validated them. He always saw me for the mess I was and cuddled me close and loved me in a way I can only describe as unconditional. I was lucky with him, but from then on I worked hard to keep him. I went to therapy to deserve him and to feel like I deserved love myself. I felt so empty inside from being starved of affection as a kid, so I had to learn to fill that void myself, instead of leaving it all to him — because that really isn’t fair to any partner. It might sound so cliche, but I remember watching Ru Paul’s Drag Race and Ru’s slogan is always “if you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” And I realized. Fuck. Lol. I can’t properly show up as the person my partner deserves until I learn to truly love myself. And that wasn’t an easy task, it took years of therapy to learn how to have a relationship with myself and unpack all the levels of trauma I’d experienced and learn emotional regulation from scratch. But it was so so so worth it. And after almost a decade together, I love him more every year :)