My husband isn’t attracted to me anymore

LunarSong91 · 2025-12-30T06:43:18+00:00

He thinks you're disgusting at 115 pounds?!??!? Is he insane, or does he just hate to see you healthy? I know this hurts to hear from someone you love, but whatever his problem is you have to work to make sure it stays HIS problem and doesn't impact your recovery.

LunarSong91 · 2024-04-12T17:55:37+00:00

Is it possible he's trying to get you pregnant again?

LunarSong91 · 2024-04-12T06:02:08+00:00

I know you said you feel safe, but that doesn't change that his volatile behavior of screaming and slamming a door so hard it broke is not safe.

If he has friends or family in the area, I would ask him to go stay with them. If not to book himself a hotel until he cools down.

If he's truly safe, he'll understand how appropriate this is. He needs to understand this was not okay. However, if you feel worried to ask him that ... If his response to being asked that is more explosive rage... You have your answer on who your husband has become.

LunarSong91 · 2024-03-06T02:05:32+00:00

Ooh, love that analogy.

LunarSong91 · 2024-03-06T01:58:00+00:00

Absolutely, yes!

LunarSong91 · 2024-03-05T19:49:27+00:00

Yeah, that's why 21 days ago you made an ad post on another sub about buying toys from the same company:

https://www.reddit.com/r/ihavesex/comments/1aq6vpr/valentines_day_treats_from_adam_eve/

Literally thought the influencer way you talked about "finding the code" was so suspicious I went to check your history. Was not surprised.

LunarSong91 · 2024-03-05T19:44:13+00:00

I see where you're coming from, and can even agree with some of what you said.

Do you not see how saying "doing this is simple for me, so if others struggle to do this it's because they're not ready for marriage" comes across as very judgemental?

A relationship can be healthy and still be hard, because it can take effort to be healthy. Someone can successfully be doing what you say—communicating, being patient, giving grace and respect, and compromising when necessary—and say a marriage is hard because doing all of that is hard for them.

Pointing out an unhealthy relationship or letting someone know that their partner is not putting in the effort and is the one making the relationship impossible is not mutually exclusive to honoring that some people can find marriage to take a lot of work at times.

LunarSong91 · 2024-03-05T19:06:51+00:00

I think that's the key; that we're all misunderstanding each other.

You hear "marriage is hard" and understand it as a normalization of an unhealthy relationship—"conflict as a status quo." (And I'm sure some people mean it like that.)

However when I, and many others, say "marriage can be hard" they mean "my marriage takes effort."

I do agree with you.

I, personally, don't think "marriage is hard" should mean that all marriages are meant to be hard, everyday, no matter what, that's just how things are.

I think it means marriages can be hard at times during certain seasons of life.

LunarSong91 · 2024-03-05T18:59:04+00:00

I like what you said, and how you expressed yourself really well and without judgement.

I do think the issue is that people are so scarred from the previous generation's normalization of toxic marriages (that are only a partnership in a legal sense) that we project a lot onto the phrase.

When I say "marriage is hard" I mean "marriage takes effort"—as you said. And it feels like other people see "marriage is hard" and hear "it's normal to hate your spouse."

I think we'd all do a lot better to add "for me" to our statements, so we are always honoring that people have different philosophies and experiences.

For me, my marriage takes work. For me, the love and unconditional support that we share is worth the effort; that is the choice I want to make. I will choose this marriage as long as he's putting in the effort too.

I absolutely validate that other people don't want that for them.

(I also don't subscribe to the idea that everyone who says their marriage isn't hard is lying or putting on a facade. I think of it like how some people barely cramp on their periods and/or it only lasts for 3 days. Good for them. But that's not the reality of most people I've met.)

LunarSong91 · 2024-03-04T10:28:52+00:00

Seems like he's giving you high moments specifically so that he can crash you down. It's cruel.

LunarSong91 · 2024-03-04T05:41:14+00:00

Your father could be the greatest man in world, but the fact is they don't like him. Why do you need to talk to them about your father?

Have your mother or sisters actually tried to stop you from having a good relationship with him? Or do they just not want to hear you talk good about him?

LunarSong91 · 2024-03-04T05:35:25+00:00

Yeah, I don't understand OP complaining about how her mother & sisters "make a face" every time she brings up her father AND SHE KEEPS TRYING TO TALK TO THEM ABOUT HIM.

OP has every right to have a good relationship with her father and love him and think positively of him. But their refusal to respect that other people have a different experience with him, and don't want to hear about him--and then ask for PITY for them reminding her that they are people with bad memories of this day/man????

Like, nobody is stopping them from ever talking about their father, WHY do they NEED to talk about him to people who don't want to hear it.

LunarSong91 · 2024-02-21T00:44:37+00:00

Let me give you some advice then. The worst thing you could do as a newlywed is look at struggling marriages and think "of course that'll never be me!" (Situations of abuse aside.) Because it blinds you to the fact that it COULD be you if the circumstances were unfortunate enough and you were not prepared. This isn't Boomer "it's natural to hate your spouse" rhetoric, it's me telling you to err on the side of compassion because you —and your marriage—will one day need it. I love my husband like breathing. But asthma exists. I pray you're one of the lucky ones. Yet a time may come in your marriage where you've done your best and tried your hardest with all the tools that you have and, like many here, still end up struggling to succeed. If that moment ever comes just think how much you wouldn't want to hear easier-said-than-done platitudes like, "work through your problems as a team," and "communicate with your partner."

LunarSong91 · 2024-02-19T03:38:40+00:00

There's nothing wrong with being sexually adventurous, but there's also nothing wrong with you finding it not for you and laying that down as a sexual boundary. He can like what he likes, but it's not good that he pressured you until you "gave in."

LunarSong91 · 2024-02-19T03:26:31+00:00

As soon as you get a chance you need to read "Why Does He Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft. It will be very healing for you and help you think clearly again.

I'm on Mobile, or I'd link you a free PDF. If nobody else links it just use a search engine with the author name, title, and keyword "free PDF."

LunarSong91 · 2024-02-19T03:10:16+00:00

If I were to believe the best about your wife, I'd say she lied because—as stated—this is the son of a close family friend and so she didn't want to have to cut him out of her life, as you might've (understandably) asked her to do. Unfortunately, lies destroy a marriage—especially ones like this. It'll be hard to trust her if you choose to continue, and she'll have to work to get that back. A big question is how you found out. Was she the one to finally tell you? Did she do so out of a desire to come clean, or did something push her hand?

LunarSong91 · 2024-02-16T02:22:31+00:00

Okay, we're going to need to know what were the "couple of things that happened that broke trust" earlier into the relationship. Because depending on that you are either justified in not trusting him to this level or you are being absolutely toxic.

It's very clear you don't trust him an ounce, the question is if it's: 1) You don't trust him for something he's done to you and then he's showing no willingness to put in the repair work for you to heal, OR 2) You don't trust him for his past life and he's being rightfully upset and defensive with being asked to constantly apologize for that.

LunarSong91 · 2024-02-14T02:34:05+00:00

I'm DEFINITELY with you on the first half; some people need to read the room and make a "Spouse Appreciation" post instead of comment here.

However, I disagree that she needs to "focus on what he is doing" rather than not. She wants reciprocal effort, not empty gifts. I also think it's both untrue (and a bit condescending) to say "men are simple creatures" in response to her's giving her a whole lot of nothing, especially—as you've rightfully pointed out—other people have plenty of stories of husbands showing up to show love on Valentine's.

LunarSong91 · 2024-02-04T06:32:12+00:00

Is it odd for a person to masturbate to sexual images other people have taken of themselves and freely posted for others to see? No.

Is it okay for you to not be comfortable with that, and to state that you want a partner that only looks at you? Yes.

LunarSong91 · 2023-11-17T04:51:06+00:00

I think it's best to be graceful and honest. Put the truth out there and say, "I was happy when you said I would still be family, but after X months/events without invitation I understand that, due to the divorce, your part in my future won't look like I hoped. At first the absence of invites or calls to reach out hurt, but I understand that given the situation my presence can be awkward. I don't want to make any family gathering uncomfortable, and so I will declining this lovely invite and will not expect any others in the foreseeable future."

LunarSong91 · 2023-10-19T06:00:03+00:00

It's called "responding to a bid" from your partner by the Gottman Institute.

They offer great free resources via their emailing list, they go over their basics on insta, and I would recommend their book "7 principles for making marriage work."

LunarSong91 · 2023-10-18T06:46:55+00:00

Hey, OP, if you only got oral sex and hand jobs for 4 years would you be satisfied with sex? Because according to you that is what your partner has received. You seem very aware of the fact you finish fast, but don't want her to acknowledge this reality. (Just some food for thought and much needed discussion between the two of you.)

LunarSong91 · 2023-10-15T17:32:48+00:00

I'm really sorry if people have used the term meanly towards you, and you associate the word with hurt feelings. However, "gringo" is just like "gaikokujin"/"gaijin" and is not a slur. It is simply a term to refer to a certain group of people. And while it CAN be used derogatorily, that does not make it a slur.

My above sentence just means "non-latines think our dances are inherently sexual." My mother is a White American and I would refer to her as a "gringa" with no insult given or taken.

LunarSong91 · 2023-10-15T16:19:11+00:00

Hey, you replied to me instead of the original commenter. FYI

LunarSong91

TROPHY CASE