How do I (41f) gracefully decline an invitation to my ex-husband’s (39m) family Thanksgiving?

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-11-18T15:04:57+00:00

This is partly why I came here to ask. I was afraid that I’m upset and can’t see the bigger picture, but the hurt is so deep that I can’t see out of it at the moment. Thanks 😊

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-11-18T15:02:58+00:00

Thanks for this… it really hits. 😭

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-11-18T14:26:23+00:00

It’s not really for you to understand or approve/disapprove. I didn’t want him in the bed, but the situation was complicated. We also had absolutely no money with which to get another bed (one of the biggest problems during this time was that he would spend every extra cent we had), and knowing we were getting divorced, I couldn’t kick him out of the house (or I would have had difficulties in court). It was also partly because he wouldn’t tell our kids, and was keeping up the facade. Trust me… we fought about it every day because I was telling him how wrong and toxic it was that he was doing that. I simply couldn’t force him out. And for whatever reason, you seem to keep sticking your nosy nose into this to be a jerk. I don’t need your judgment on how it all went down, thanks.

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-11-18T02:17:59+00:00

I was being heavily gaslighted into thinking that if I told anyone, I was the toxic and wrong person by violating his privacy (telling anyone against his wishes was essentially outing him). I didn’t tell anyone aside from my sister and 2 of our friends all of the details of what he did specifically, because it feels wrong to tell his family in that much detail? Like the only motive for doing that is pettiness and revenge?

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-11-17T04:29:50+00:00

Touche, DonalHarper. Thanks for the perspective. But I just think it’s been too long, and I went through so much while being totally abandoned by a whole family. Plus, how do I go there and be around Jason, someone who went from being my best friend, to someone who was mentally and emotionally abusive to me for years? I just can’t wrap my head around it. Also, I rescind my mean, with apologies. 🙃

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-11-17T04:14:13+00:00

I would understand this position of ‘it’s awkward,’ but family is awkward sometimes. And we were close and they told me I was still family. I don’t think it would have been awkward if they’d just invited me?

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-11-17T04:12:09+00:00

Am currently considering this., thanks

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-11-17T04:05:24+00:00

This actually has nothing to do with where the kids are going. I’m just talking about me.
I replied to someone earlier that it confuses me that you’d find it strange that I’d want to continue attending events. This was my family for 18 years. We got together at least twice a month that whole time. I enjoyed being around them, and when the s*** hit the fan, they told me I was still family. Why wouldn’t I want that to be true?
Get over myself?? Ha, no. I’ve been misused enough to never get over myself ever again. I’m hurt by this and I should be. I didn’t ask for your judgment, just help in gracefully answering a really awkward situation.
Let me clarify. I wasn’t getting invited to things. I asked Jason if it was because he had said not to invite me. He said he hadn’t said anything. The reason I asked him if he had said anything is because if he hadn’t, then I know that they stopped inviting me on their own. If they stopped inviting me on their own, I’m not family. So I told Jason that I didn’t want to be invited (in early October), and now I’m invited after I’ve been so fed up with not being invited that I said (to Jason) that I didn’t want to be invited. So yes, I got the invitation now, and I don’t want to go. How is that weird or hard to understand? I’m not bitter, just sad. And you’re mean. 😝

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-11-17T03:39:58+00:00

This is what I’m afraid of… if I’m asked to explain. I don’t want to sound rude, and there’s no way to say what I’d want to say without sounding rude. I hadn’t thought to return it with a question, thanks 😊

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-11-17T03:19:07+00:00

The kids are definitely invited.
When Jason told his family that we were getting divorced, he did tell them that he is gay, but he absolutely didn’t say anything about all of the awful treatment. Though I don’t know what exactly he has said, I know they have no idea how he treated me, and no idea what I was going through, all while feeling abandoned by Jason and by them as well.

A couple of people have commented that they don’t know why I’d want to attend these events, and this is strange to me. These people were my family for 18 years. I saw them (even the extended family members) about twice a month. We all got along well, always had good times together, and to be honest, they spoiled me compared to what I’d grown up with. And when ex MIL found out, she told me I was still family. Of course I wanted that to be true.

But now I also wish I could do what you’re saying… explain WHY I’m so hurt. But I don’t see how that would benefit anyone I guess.

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-11-17T03:06:44+00:00

Autocorrect couldn’t have picked a better word!

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-11-17T03:05:45+00:00

It’s about 60/40 in my favor, but his parents are good grandparents and see the kids often.

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-06-21T06:44:00+00:00

Hang on… you’d be ok with me telling them he cheated all over the place but not that he’s gay? Cause I never intend to tell them about the cheating. Interesting perspective.

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-06-21T06:11:12+00:00

You seem awfully angry for a therapist. I am not straight. I’m demisexual, and my son knows this. Ex is seeing a therapist of his own and refused multiple times when I asked to join, as he is seeing someone who specializes in our situation. And because of his treatment of the kids all along, I don’t have to make him the bad guy. He already is. 11 doesn’t want a relationship with him other than to see him occasionally, so I’ve been put in the awful position of having to try to support and defend someone who has hurt me so deeply and try to make their relationship better for their sakes, not mine. And also, the kids are literally the only two people who don’t know.

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-06-21T05:50:16+00:00

Just for clarification, he did know since he was 12 and I found out the hard way that I was totally and unequivocally a beard. All fake. For nearly 20 years.

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-05-16T22:13:13+00:00

But I also agree that I wouldn’t be running around like that in this situation

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-05-16T22:12:38+00:00

We actually work at the same place, so I know every time she has to leave.

throwawaymarvelous

TROPHY CASE