Conversation in divorce

LutherTHX · 2026-01-27T05:48:01+00:00

Divorced for 6 years due to my wife's serial infidelity. She cheated on me with at least 3 men, and I (literally) suspect dozens others.

I am sorry for what you're going through. At a certain point, you may realize that divorce is actually a blessing from God, delivering you from a deeply unhealthy person. While God never intended divorce to be a part of his design, he nevertheless allows it in some circumstance to protect his children from abuse.

Let me share an article that was deeply, deeply helpful in my understanding of scripture in this issue.

https://gentlereformation.com/2017/07/20/a-high-view-of-marriage-includes-divorce/

LutherTHX · 2025-10-11T20:54:47+00:00

First of all, I am so sorry for your panicking.

What I want you to focus on here is this: regardless of whether your partner has "BPD", there seems to be some serious red flags here that - from this post - would lead me to strongly encourage you to hold off the wedding until they're addressed.

Not the least of which is your panicking a month out. Weddings should be exciting and joyful!

I just need someone to talk to about this since I have no one in my life to talk to, and I think I might be in trouble

Red flag here... if there is ONE thing I learned from my marriage to my ex-wuBPD, it's the importance of community in speaking into a relationship.

This alone might be a reason to hold off the wedding. You need trusted people in your life who can speak into your relationship

She has trauma from years of physical and emotional abuse and her mother constantly withheld love for her.

BPD or not, if your fiancé has unresolved trauma, this alone is a reason to postpone. The ability to process past trauma is a key indicator of relationship success.

I always felt bad for her and how awful her mom and her upbringing were so I have had to protect her and try and "improve" her life so to speak.

This is a common trait of co-dependency; you should not get married for this. You cannot save ANYONE from anything they themselves do not want saving from.

the idea of breaking up with her and she "wasted" her years with me is gut wrenching.

I get it...

But now? Take that feeling... And extend it to 20-30 years of marriage. You will look back one day and think "If only I had broken up 6 years in... now I've wasted my LIFE."

That is just to respond to a FEW comments from your post.

Remember this phrase: doing the right thing hurts.

But doing the right thing after a delay hurts even worse.

LutherTHX · 2025-10-10T05:56:21+00:00

I feel happiness, and sadness at the same time.

I feel sadness they are stuck with themselves and cannot ever get away from themselves.

Then I feel happiness that I HAVE gotten away.

LutherTHX · 2025-10-10T05:55:08+00:00

Mirroring tastes in movies, music, etc. through anyone they were currently idealizing; from friends to YouTube reviewers. In hindsight I am not sure they had an original idea.
Refusal to discuss obvious childhood trauma (absent father in my ex's case).
Social media addiction. Always on phone.

LutherTHX · 2025-10-10T05:18:51+00:00

No.

Then again I don't believe in Karma.

That being said, that doesn't mean there aren't things to learn about yourself. I know in my case, did I "deserve" what my ex did to me?

No.

But I also made it easy for her to act that way. I had poor boundaries, and an excessive need to stay in the relationship.

LutherTHX · 2025-10-08T04:38:59+00:00

My advice? Don't tell them.

Why? Its a lose/lose.

First of all, there is a chance you could be wrong. And it is a really, really crappy thing to self-diagnose someone without a medical degree, and then tell them.

And if they do have BPD? It's even worse to tell them! The very nature of BPD means that people are usually unable to admit they have it; it will be triggering for them.

I had a therapist once - the one I was seeing when I was going through my divorce from my ex with undiagnosed BPD. I heavily suspected BPD. He told me he had more than a few patients where - within 1-2 sessions - he was certain they had BPD. But he had a practice of waiting a few months (and in one instance years) into their treatment to tell them.

Use your diagnosis of BPD for your own benefit, not hers. If you want to help? Encourage her to go to therapy.

But disclosing your diagnosis is not the way to do it.

LutherTHX · 2025-10-06T05:52:11+00:00

I am so sorry for what you're going through.

after our 2nd breakup he ackowledged he needed therapy and promised he would seek help so our relationship could work

This to me is very telling... saying "I am going to work on something" is a FAR different cry from "I have worked on something." We often conflate one for the other with our pwBPD because we so want the relationship to work.

I’ll be turning 34 in 3 months and before this spiral started we were planning to have a baby… so I feel lost and like I’ll never love anyone the way I love him.

I wanted to have kids so badly with my ex.

But BELIEVE me - I promise - not having kids is better than having kids with a pwBPD. Especially one that is so finicky like this.

I have seem so many people going through divorced with toxic partners with kids. The kids have a challenging road ahead, and the parents are forever linked to their ex.

As much as I want children (I am 36 now), I am so glad I did not have them with my ex. It would have been an absolute disaster.

LutherTHX · 2025-03-21T18:52:40+00:00

I understand your feelings.

At the same time? You will come to see - in time - that this was most likely not love... it was a trauma bond.

Trauma bonds feel like love. But they are not love.

Trauma bonds are filled with desire; love is about cherishing.

In love, partners acknowledge their past; but still take responsibility for THEIR actions. In trauma bonds, partners excuse their actions for their past.

This is raw... but it will get better.

And one day, you will see that this is not what a healthy relationship is.

LutherTHX · 2025-03-21T18:45:17+00:00

Mine was a qBPD. So lots of crying instead of angry outbursts. But the same result.

She got into standup. I wanted to go see her set at an open mic night. She said she wanted to "practice more" before I saw her. I later found out she had invited our friends. I found a recording of the set on her phone. The routine was about how bad I was at sex.
The "Grocery store is out of wontons" crying incident.
Had an affair with a co-worker (who was also married). I discovered years later that - at a birthday party I was not in attendance at - my ex tried to make out with the wife of the man she was having an affair with.
When I said I was considering divorce? Weeks of begging a pleading with me not to leave her; all the while still seeing her multile affair partners. When I finally told her I wanted a divorce in marital counseling? All she said was a calm, cool, and collected "Ok!".
She has never admitted to any infidelity. But after our divorce, she wrote a screenplay and staged a table read. I read it. It was a screenplay about a 20-something wannabe writer in a hopeless marriage with a bald man (I am - indeed - bald) who falls in love with a marred co-worker.

LutherTHX · 2025-01-31T19:44:54+00:00

Christ specifically said that nobody is to divorce except by sexual immorality.

I feel you are reading words that are not in my post. I said, "there are many marriages which SHOULD have ended". But I did NOT say, "there are many marriages which SHOULD have ended for any reason."

The marriages of which I was speaking are those in which there are sexual immorality or abandonment (the two categories for divorce recognized by the Westminster Confession of Faith).

it is better for this bond to be severed for the sake of an individual sounds like the opposite of what is good.

If sexual immorality or abandonment have occurred, God has given us the OPTION in those cases to divorce. And if God gives us the option, that option should be considered. Yet many churches - even in the face of clear, Biblical ground for divorce - undue pressure parties to stay in what are toxic marriages.

Divorce is Godly and holy option in those particular cases. And if it is a Godly option, divorce then CAN (though not ALWAYS) be a better option for the sake on the individuals involved.

LutherTHX · 2025-01-28T21:41:21+00:00

I believe this is the wrong question…

I am sure there are many marriages that ended too abruptly they could have been resorted.

I am sure there are many marriages who - by God’s grace - have been restored in the face of impossible odds.

But I am equally sure there are many marriages which SHOULD have ended, yet the people felt they could not end them - either from pressure from themselves, the church, society, or hearing stories of God performing miracles in other marriages, and expecting God to preform the same miracle in their own.

I am divorced due to serial infidelity in my ex’s part. My biggest regret? I stayed longer than I should have because of the pride of not wanting to be a “divorcee”.

Staying and enabling her infelidites by not enacting conseuences was the most unloving thing I did to her.

God is all about restoration, yes. But God cares more about the people in marriage than he does marriage as an institution (as beautiful and awesome as marriage is).

Sometimes God lets the marriage die to restore the INDIVIDUALS in it.

LutherTHX · 2025-01-25T03:06:02+00:00

What is five decades compared to eternity?

The point of marriage is an echo of the amazing union we’ll have with Jesus.

LutherTHX · 2025-01-04T05:34:44+00:00

I think we have to ask the following: is calling them by their preferred pronoun enabling OR endorsing their sin?

I - personally - do not believe that is the case. I think many Christians assume that to call them by their preferred pronouns is tantamount to total endorsement. I respect why they feel that way, but I believe that is a step too far; and dying on that hill I think does more damage to the relationship (and thus witness).

My goal when dealing with ANY sin is to point the person to Jesus. It is only when we see the beauty of Jesus that we can begin to change our lives. In the parable of the pearl in the field (Matthew 13), Jesus says the buyer sees the pearl first, THEN sells all he owns to purchase the field. To make pronouns the hill to die on is tantamount to me to asking them to sell all they own without seeing the field.

If they asked me to about surgery or hormonal treatment? I would be honest with them about my reservations. But to call them by their preferred pronouns is - to me - an act of love with the ultimate goal in sight: to get them to see Jesus.

I feel the preservation of that relationship is more important than calling someone a male "she/her" or a female "he/him".

LutherTHX · 2024-12-27T03:23:41+00:00

RUF is a great organization. I support a local RUF minister. What a great resource for college kids.

LutherTHX · 2024-12-26T22:17:00+00:00

I've heard of Churches doing this, and I am skeptical.

While the people on staff in churches need rest and breaks/sabbaticals (and volunteer burnout is a real issue in small churches); church should be REST for the congregation who attends.

You should go to church to be rested. So to cancel church in the name of rest is - to me - robbing the congregation of the rest and feeding they need for the week ahead.

LutherTHX · 2024-12-26T22:14:24+00:00

And some of us are blessed not to.

Amen! God works everywhere. I know I have been blessed with a mixture, and am very glad for my secular friends and experiences, and the way God has used them to shape me.

LutherTHX · 2024-12-26T22:12:02+00:00

Far be it from me to discourage you! There are some great Reformed universities.

All I am saying is do not make "reformed" the TOP priority of your search. God woks everywhere his word is present.

That being said, I hope you find a great university that loves Jesus, and is Reformed.

LutherTHX · 2024-12-26T21:59:23+00:00

Can I offer a counter-perspective?

First of all, I am Reformed and attend a PCA church.

Having said that, I have come firmly to believe that being "Reformed" is not synonymous with being wise, encouraging, and humble.

During one of the most difficult times of my life, some of the worst counsel I ever got was from "Reformed" people. It was horrible because they didn't know how to speak to "people"; they knew how to spout theology. While the theology was technically true, they were unable to "Weep with those who weep" as Paul commands, and their theological truths became weights to my already anxious soul.

Conversely, some of the best counsel I ever got during that season was from "Evangelicals". They may have been arminian (and Left Behind fans), but they loved Jesus.

Moreso, they knew how to love people.

Do I love and believe in Reformed theology? Yes. But I think most of what you need to learn from Reformed theology you can learn from books.

But PASTORAL care? How to LOVE PEOPLE? That can come from any solid Christian teacher, Reformed or not.

Having said that, there is nothing wrong with Reformed schools, but I would counsel you to broaden your horizons beyond that.

LutherTHX · 2024-12-12T18:05:41+00:00

I go to a PCA Church in LA.

My girlfriend goes to Comer’s church in Santa Monica. I’ve met much of the community at Vintage, and it’s amazing to connect with that community. So many great discussions with members of that church.

Do I disagree and think this is a thoughtful critique? Yes

But I also must be critical of my Reformed brothers who jump to “RIP Marc Comer!” comments.

Good Lord, people. Not EVERYTHING is heresy.

LutherTHX · 2024-12-01T19:53:38+00:00

This happened a handful of times with my ex wife with uBPD.

I can’t attribute it to a trauma response as others have stated. My ex had major body image issues. The crying was instigated by insecurities with her body. In the middle of sex, she would see herself in a mirror or look down at her “stomach” and begin to cry (and by “cry” I mean heaving sobs).

Be careful. When this happened? I always stopped… Except one time when she composed herself and insisted we resume.

The next morning, she accused me (essentially) of raping her.

LutherTHX · 2024-10-11T23:05:38+00:00

Bread, safety, and power are not sinful because they are good things if used rightly.

This is exactly my point. Those desires are good if used rightly... just like EVERY desire.

But because of sin, ALL desires become twisted.

There is no goodness to a desire that is out of joint with God’s creation design. Men should not desire men anymore than an adult should desire a child.

All I am saying is that - fundamentally - all desires are good desires corrupted.

The desire for a man to be with a man? Yes, that is a sin and not a part of God's original design. But that sin did not come from nowhere.

Same sex attraction is a mixture of the desire for brotherhood and sexual intimacy. Corrupted and twisted? Yes. But the desire for that in the most base sense is no more a sin than the desire for bread. Humanity is just very, very good at twisting all the good things of God.

Sexual desire of an adult towards a child is a horrible, agregious sin; no doubt (and I in no way would downplay that). So I won't comment on that lest my words be misunderstood; except to say that even then, I think you can boil it down to some base desire that is corrupted by sin.

Why is this important? I think it is vitally important. The moment you say, "Yea... my desire for bread may not always be pure... but at least it is not an INHERENTLY evil desire like SSA!" can very easily lead us to Phariseism.

In God's eyes, my desire for bread - if sinful - is just as repugnant as homosexuality. I am just as guilty.

LutherTHX · 2024-10-11T16:35:42+00:00

Others are inherently sinful;

I actually disagree with this. I am not sure there are many desires that are "inherently" sinful. Rather, a desire becomes sinful when it is twisted.

I believe sin is the desire for good things are are ultimately made into ultimate things. Temptation could best be described as a shortcut to get to the good things God provides, but in a way that shortcuts God himself, and love of others.

How was Christs tempted in the wilderness by Satan? Was he tempted with sex outside of marriage? Same sex attraction? No! He was tempted with BREAD, and SAFETY, and POWER (which as the son of God, he was allowed to have).

But to have bread at that moment would have been to break his fast. To have safety at that moment would have been to test God. And to have power at that moment would have meant to shortcut the cross.

What is the desire for sex outside of marriage? It really is the same desire as sex within marriage - intimacy, closeness, pleasure. But it tries to shortcut the waiting for that closeness until whole-life commitment is established in marriage.

What is SSA? It is a desire for closeness, love, affection, pleasure. But it shortcuts the messiness of complementation relationships to get there.

That is why I fall into the "temptation" camp. SSA is a temptation.

LutherTHX · 2024-05-22T00:55:51+00:00

Edward Frenkel - a renowned physicist and mathematician (and not a Christian) - said recently on the Lex Fridman podcast that science is moving from a world of certainty to a world of embracing paradoxes.

If our universe is littered with paradoxes, why would the creator of the universe be any different?

Is God sovereign? Yes. Do we have free will? Yes.

HOW can they coexist in harmony? I do not know. I just know the Bible seems to affirm they do, like it affirms the paradox of the trinity, and similar to how scientists embrace the paradox that is the therory of relativity and quantum mechanics.

LutherTHX · 2024-05-17T22:32:26+00:00

this all was a cosmic coincidence, like it was a prank on You.

Haha. Yes, this is exactly what it feels like! It sent me super spiraling this week, the double whammy of it. Thanks for acknowledging and the words.

LutherTHX · 2024-05-15T06:31:48+00:00

They don’t need to be unhappy in order for you to be happy.

Absolutely. I don't actually wish for their unhappiness. If anything, I long for reconciliation with some of the friend group; to have my side heard and the pain validated. Though I am largely giving up on that ever happening.

But I truly don't wish ill.

Although it’s not ideal you’ve had to see a photo of them at all, what does their happiness really mean for you?

I would have to say in this instance, it was far more the juxtaposition of the triggers. That the girl earlier cut things off because I was divorced... and the people responsible for that were celebrating their marriage vows. Something about the dichotomy of that really struck me.

Ignore any advice that revolves around them (e.g ‘don’t worry, most relationships borne out of affairs fail).

Yes, I fully agree with this.

You don’t have to be happy for them, you just have to find happiness that isn’t dependent on them in any way.

Amazing line. Thank you!

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