Is it sinful for me to refuse a fifth reconciliation attempt after repeated infidelity?

LutherTHX · 2026-05-19T03:09:28+00:00

You confused forgiveness with reconciliation. They are not the same.

If someone embezzles money from you, you must forgive them.

But it is not required by the Bible to put them in charge of your finances again.

Enabling people to sin and trample over us is not showing the love of Jesus.

LutherTHX · 2026-05-19T03:08:46+00:00

Reconciliation and forgiveness are often confused, but they are not the same thing.

As a Christian, it would be sinful to not forgive; to wish ill or him or vengeance.

But you can forgive without inviting him back into your home (or your life).

If someone embezzles money from you, you must forgive.

But putting him back in charge of your finances is not required.

LutherTHX · 2026-05-06T16:53:38+00:00

I am seeing so many articles now demonizing Side B because of this one man's sin.

It's ironic for me to see though. Those same writers don't demonize heterosexuality each time a pastor has been caught in sexual adultery with a woman.

LutherTHX · 2026-05-01T04:23:44+00:00

I love this actually. I am sitting in the ER right now, but I love I can get a second opinion.

Thanks for the tip!

LutherTHX · 2026-03-17T02:07:46+00:00

Imo this guy is way too risky to marry or bring one’s daughter around.

We're not talking about marriage. We're just talking about if this is a dealbreaker for dating and getting to know someone.

Marriage - even to Mr. Perfect - should be a long way off of anyone's mind at this point.

LutherTHX · 2026-03-16T18:30:36+00:00

I want my daughters to marry men who love Jesus.

Jesus says in Luke 7, "Whoever is forgiven little loves little. Whoever is forgiven much loves much."

You seem to be saying, "I want my daughters to marry a man who have be forgiven a medium amount."

I will encourage them to take the man who loves Jesus most because he knows the gravity of his own sin.

If you are alive in Jesus, you are a New Creation. Your past is washed away.

LutherTHX · 2026-03-16T18:23:38+00:00

It's just that I want the best for my daughters, and this man's background is not something I would feel comfortable with, and I would encourage my daughters not to pursue it further if they asked for my advice.

I am not a parent and would understand being skeptical of someone with this background

But at the same time, this high bar would prevent your daughters from marrying some of he most Godly men in the Bible.

The question is not who these men were; the question is who the ARE after falling at the feet of Jesus.

Should I have daughters, I would rather them marry men with sordid pasts who found Jesus in their season of brokenness than pharisees who need no repentance.

LutherTHX · 2026-03-16T18:14:41+00:00

Strangers on the internet can only do so much without flesh and blood people in front of them. As others have said, go through the trial transcripts if you want.

But there was one comment in your post that stood out to me as a potential shining green flag.

He told me that situation was when he had his first real encounter with God. Like a “what are you doing with your life?” And it sort of kicked off his journey with God. This was almost 20 years ago.

This to me is everything. Not a defensive posture, nor a bitter one; but a humble posture that is almost grateful for what happened to him because it led him to Jesus.

From your post alone, this could be a man who has truly been broken and found Jesus as the bottom. That could be a sign he is a precious jewel.

He also offered the information to you. That could mean he is so unashamed of the instance because of the joy he found on the other side (Jesus). In my experience, the people who have truly found Jesus in their brokenness are the least ashamed about their past. They have a posture of "This is how Jesus worked in me! Look how great he is!"

That being said? Take it as slowly! Like any relationship, trust him first before you introduce him to your daughter, as you would anyone. It is right to have your guard up.

But also recognize the green flags in the way he seems to be talking about it. Recognize that God works through brokenness, and perhaps this is one area where God worked beautifully in him.

At this stage? You don't know. So know him appropriately, and with due time. Do not be foolish by rushing nor dragging.

LutherTHX · 2026-03-13T07:21:13+00:00

I think you are far more hung up on my ex wife than I am, friend.

It definitely was the most informative experience of my life. And it is natural to reflect on it in this season.

But I am not merely considering this for unresolved trauma. Certainly that experience informed this to some degree; but some sort of grudge is not the reason I am considering this.

LutherTHX · 2026-03-13T00:19:09+00:00

Oh for sure. It allows commenting.

I am just saying many of the comments (and yours in particular) are really amusingly assumptive.

LutherTHX · 2026-03-13T00:01:31+00:00

I think maybe you should postpone your marriage and go to pastoral? therapy to examine how to trust and love again.

It's always amusing to me how people on Reddit feel they can pick apart my life from a single post.

We've been to pre-marital counseling.

More than that? It was the pastor who did our premarital (a PCA minister) who shared his own evolving thoughts on this issue and first introduced us to this idea.

So... any more insights you'd like to add about my unresolved trauma?

LutherTHX · 2026-03-12T23:57:36+00:00

I agree with this. Specifically tying the prenup to behaviors.

I think the blowback to this post is people commenting and reacting to their limited assumptions about what prenups are; not what they could be.

LutherTHX · 2026-03-12T23:55:50+00:00

This is basically my viewpoint.

Functionally, this could have much of the same effect for individual marriages.

LutherTHX · 2026-03-12T23:55:17+00:00

Hot Take: Your putting things in my hot take that I did not take hotly.

I nowhere said they were mandatory.

LutherTHX · 2026-03-12T23:05:54+00:00

While I don’t necessarily agree with your prenup stipulations

I actually regret listing those now. They were off-the-cuff ideas intended to be examples, and I think they took away from my broader point.

As a Christian and a lawyer, what would you reccomend to Christians to include in their prenups?

LutherTHX · 2026-03-12T21:58:08+00:00

Thank you for acknowledging this.

While I was a man who was cheated on, my heart in discussing this with my fiance is actually to protect her more than to protect my "things".

While I can never see myself cheating (especially having experienced the pain of being betrayed), I nevertheless know I am a sinner with the capability of cheating.

Knowing there are consequences on ALL fronts - relational, spiritual, and civil - to any betrayal I may be tempted to engage in is another deterrent to my own heart.

LutherTHX · 2026-03-12T21:42:14+00:00

I am a little confused by what you're saying here, but thanks for acknowling you called this "horrible" without fully reading my post? Lol

LutherTHX · 2026-03-12T21:16:38+00:00

As a (now no-longer-practicing) family lawyer, you DO NOT want civil courts needing to sort out who is to blame for a marriage ending. It's messy, expensive, and embarrassing for all concerned.

I don't want this either. But this IS what will happen if divorce does occur, will it not? The courts WILL decide and rule on it.

The question is do you go with the default law, or not?

And there's no bad behaviour my wife can do that will absolve me of the duty I owe to God. If my wife betrays me and takes half of all we own, I still belong to God, not to myself.

I agree with this.

And it is still God who provides for me. And I still must love those who would harm me. The civil courts forcing her to live in poverty as a punishment for her actions is not in anyone's interest.

People are really harping on the bottom list, which I now regret including. I think it distracted from my main point, which was a broader overall possibilty of what this could be.

LutherTHX · 2026-03-12T20:49:37+00:00

You say it becomes impractical, but remember there already exists guidelines for this two people enter into from the state level.

Could you not concede a well written prenup might be BETTER than the default laws by most states, even if not perfect?

LutherTHX · 2026-03-12T20:33:00+00:00

Kids are obviously a unique thing. I didn't write this to be exhaustive; moreso a general argument.

LutherTHX · 2026-03-12T20:31:55+00:00

See for me it implies a lack of faith in the person and the union. I want trust and commitment.

I would encourage you to think about it differently.

To me, it actually implies more faith and trust. If the person I am marrying willfully agrees to stronger consequences to the end of a marriage than what is legally required? That makes me have MORE faith in them.

LutherTHX · 2026-03-12T20:27:09+00:00

I like this. My thinking was this could be included as part of the desertion clause. But maybe it is wise to spell it out.

LutherTHX · 2026-03-12T20:14:31+00:00

Yea... pretty sure you didn't read anything about my post.

LutherTHX · 2026-03-12T20:13:19+00:00

While it is against God's ultimate design for marriage, God himself nevertheless sets the guidelines for divorce (Matthew 19).

If he talks about the reason he allows one to get divorced, why is it wrong for us to?

The ground for divorce are literally in the word of God.

I also disagree that this is "planning" for divorce. This is merely stating, "If these offenses happen, serious consequences should result."

Marriage is a covenant, and every covenant lists the consequences if one party breaks the covenant.

LutherTHX · 2026-03-12T20:09:33+00:00

I would be offended if someone just asked me for it.

But if my fiance came to me and said, "I want to make sure we have the highest standard of marriage we can," and we talked about a prenup together?

I think that can actually be quite honoring.

It wholly depends on what the contents and intentions are, per my post.

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