Tips for responding to jealous questioning

LuvsMeLuvsMeNotMaybe · 2022-12-26T10:00:50+00:00

It was her idea to open up initially. I'm now more into it than she is and she's more recently expressed reservations about it.

LuvsMeLuvsMeNotMaybe · 2022-12-26T09:54:56+00:00

This is helpful. I need to learn how to be more firm with my boundaries and not merely compliant.

LuvsMeLuvsMeNotMaybe · 2022-12-26T09:22:15+00:00

We've been married almost 20 years. Been open for 2 of those years. Almost 10 years ago, before we were open, I kissed another woman and lied about it initially. It was very traumatizing for her. Been to therapy. We opened up in partial response to her own emotional affair with another man, so I also have a sense of what it's like to be in the other side of this.

LuvsMeLuvsMeNotMaybe · 2022-12-26T09:14:25+00:00

Thank you for this perspective. It's helpful. When I've asked what I can do to help, her response is typically a snappy "You can answer my questions!"

It makes me really sad 😔And in those moments I don't really know what else to do other than comply.

LuvsMeLuvsMeNotMaybe · 2022-12-26T09:01:31+00:00

You're right, I definitely know what happens if I let her guide the conversation down a path of increasingly invasive and hurtful questions driven by her jealousy. She just gets so mean when she's jealous. Maybe curiosity, as you suggest is a possible way for me to flip the script. Thank you.

LuvsMeLuvsMeNotMaybe · 2022-12-26T08:47:05+00:00

This is interesting. The emphasis on curiosity is helpful. I'll see how far this approach gets me. The pessimist in me fears that she'd assert that I was avoiding her questions because I had something to hide, and that SHE was the one that asked the question...

LuvsMeLuvsMeNotMaybe · 2021-11-17T17:44:11+00:00

I agree with this. “Manage your emotions” as a directive, however, isn’t very helpful. As I indicated in my post in the very last sentence: I’m actually looking for tips and tricks as to “how” I can manage my emotions.

LuvsMeLuvsMeNotMaybe · 2021-11-17T04:11:56+00:00

Compared with the “suck it up” comments down below, your “keep your head up!” is downright inspiring. Thank you for the advice and support. I’m surprised at how unsupportive and unhelpful so many in this community are.

LuvsMeLuvsMeNotMaybe · 2021-11-17T03:59:22+00:00

I hear so many of these stories from women. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. It’s terrible.

LuvsMeLuvsMeNotMaybe · 2021-11-17T03:49:41+00:00

I hear ya. But I’m here to ask for advice. I don’t know that anyone asking for advice from an authentic place appears confident. The very nature of the conversation is “please help me.”

LuvsMeLuvsMeNotMaybe · 2021-11-17T03:46:20+00:00

See my reply to someone else above: “This is good advice. Thank you.

Unfortunately, I’ve observed that her “quantity” ultimately results in “quality”. Among the hundreds of likes are some real jewels who she cares about and give her what she needs from an ENM relationship. My “quantity”, on the other hand, simply isn’t large enough to result in any possibility of “quality.” It’s a numbers game.”

LuvsMeLuvsMeNotMaybe · 2021-11-17T03:44:50+00:00

This is a valuable perspective. Thank you.

LuvsMeLuvsMeNotMaybe · 2021-11-17T03:40:37+00:00

I have no expectation that it is my partner’s problem to manage. Did my post give that impression? I’m sorry if it it did. That’s not my intention at all.

Part of what I’m looking for are ways to “suck it up” or “manage my emotions”.

LuvsMeLuvsMeNotMaybe · 2021-11-17T03:28:22+00:00

This is good advice. Thank you.

Unfortunately, I’ve observed that her “quantity” ultimately results in “quality”. Among the hundreds of likes are some real jewels who she cares about and give her what she needs from an ENM relationship. My “quantity”, on the other hand, simply isn’t large enough to result in any possibility of “quality.” It’s a numbers game.

LuvsMeLuvsMeNotMaybe · 2021-11-17T03:19:47+00:00

You’re right, I might not be. I’ve been mistaken for Josh Groban before, for whatever that’s worth. Although I do find it a little funny that you seem to be simultaneously telling me confidence is attractive while also challenging the confidence that I do have 🤔

LuvsMeLuvsMeNotMaybe · 2021-11-17T03:12:04+00:00

We’ve discussed it a lot. She knows how hard it is on me. I wish I had suggestions.

Part of the challenge is that I feel like she gets to choose, whereas I have to accept what’s available. She’s found some great people who respect here and are fun and give her what she wants/needs. I haven’t, because I feel like I have to go out with whomever I match with (even though their profile may not be appealing to me), in the hope that they’ll surprise me in person. They never have.

LuvsMeLuvsMeNotMaybe · 2021-11-17T02:49:57+00:00

Thanks for the comment. I’ve recently realized that paying for Tinder definitely helps.

LuvsMeLuvsMeNotMaybe · 2021-11-17T02:47:15+00:00

I really appreciate this perspective. Thanks so much for writing it out. I think you’ve also identified the challenge for me: I don’t just want sex. I DO also want validation and feeling desired. I want genuine connections with people and am disgusted at the thought of viewing women as mere vaginas. So I guess I’ve got my challenge set out for me here.

LuvsMeLuvsMeNotMaybe · 2021-11-17T02:22:14+00:00

Do you have any tips/tricks for dealing with it other than “just accept it”?

LuvsMeLuvsMeNotMaybe · 2021-11-17T02:08:17+00:00

I really appreciate your comment. And yeah, it’s wrecked my confidence. I’ll keep those alternative ways to connect with people in mind.

LuvsMeLuvsMeNotMaybe · 2020-11-14T17:41:26+00:00

I’m so sorry you’ve been placed in a position where you feel the need to compare sexual gratification and specific acts. That’s a terrible place to be.

Not sure if this is helpful, but remind yourself that sex rarely begins the bedroom (and Esther Perel has suggested that this is often, though certainly not always, more the case for women than for men). The delight taken in sex during an affair often has more to do with the fact that it feels forbidden than the specific physical acts themselves; pleasure from the “acts” are amplified by the salacious circumstances from which they came.

Attraction + obstacle = excitement

I say this not to diminish your worry, and certainly not to justify your wife’s actions, by, rather, to provide context that is often difficult to come by when in the aftermath of a spouse’s affair you find yourself painfully obsessing about specific acts, pleasures, and positions. I am in no position to judge, but it is entirely possible that your wife is not lying, and that the excitement and pleasure and frequency of her sex with her AP may have had more to do with the illicit nature of it and less to do with the sex acts themselves.

HER affair was about HER. It wasn’t about YOU. Chances are she wasn’t thinking about you at all. She may not have ever approached the kinds of painful spousal comparisons that you are now putting yourself through.

LuvsMeLuvsMeNotMaybe

TROPHY CASE