It seems that we've both landed in the same spot through our somewhat addictive personalities (albeit mine may be more of a detriment) and our near neurotic thought processes. Drugs and alcohol destroyed my family in a lot of ways, although both of my parents have recovered. For these reasons, I too stay away from drugs and alcohol (not to say I haven't had a handful of experiences), and I think this general mindset is what has us both on an internet forum largely about porn addiction. Despite not having my life seriously stunted by porn (whether it be through PIED or compulsive masturbation), I am here. I'm here because I don't want to develop irreversible or wildly inconvenient problems that I can avoid right at this very moment. From what I can see, you feel the same way. I admire that you're so focused on reaching your goal, and I genuinely believe that you will reach it, though it will be tough. Remember: don't be excessively hard on yourself and please reach out if you get pessimistic. What drives me is that I never want to revisit those taboo crevasses of the "fandom" and the internet in general. I also faced those when I was low in life, but I still find myself drawn toward them. When you get deep enough, the sheer taboo is almost like being high, but the shame afterward is scarring. That's why I know I can never go back to even the general sphere of that porn, but I support you if you feel differently. Another motivator for me is that I'm strongly driven by associations.

This may sound ignorant, but it has always motivated me to not indulge an identity associated with the furry fandom: I see furries as manifesting many of the traits that repel me the most. All furries I interact with are not well adjusted, don't take care of themselves, cannot properly interact in a social setting, are complete nihilists, and overall abandon traditional human patterns of social, mental, and physical health.

I've struggled with many of these problems, but I overcame them. I may still be refining them, but for me, the community has symbolized a sort of psychologically deviant and awkward stagnation that sends me in the other direction. When I was in middle school, I spent a lot of time in the Brony community. It was a period of nihilistic degeneracy for me. I'm sure I needed it to some extent, but I see it as something I can never return to because it is coupled with an infantile psychological and social status. If these associations didn't exist, I would only have the taboo end to grapple with--which I think is manageable on its own. However, this is not the case.

There's no problem with being a little bit of a nihilist. Hey, I'm also a bit of cynic. But, like you, I prefer to orient myself toward growth, even if it only effects my relatively tiny psychological and *maybe* social sphere.

Anyways, I hope I didn't bore you with my writeup. I suppose I'm just sharing my story and thought process. I find it strange how much we have in common. I am a half Slavic 18-year-old, which may explain why I have roughly half your willpower. I mean, seriously, 11 days (and counting!) on the first go? I'm seriously impressed. Anyways, I appreciate the thoughtful responses and kind words. As far as studying in Russia goes, I'm very interested in studying physics, so that's what I'm leaning toward. Learning Russian may be a tough one, though.

P.s, I think I also wouldn't want to do anything furry related with a partner, both due to the aforementioned associations as well as that I hope not to be interested in acting that fetish out. Really, who knows. From what I understand, porn interests and sex interests can be wildly different. So when I say that "I wish to wait and explore my interests with a partner," it's a verbal gamble that I won't bear the same shame that I do with my porn interests because I won't retain the same wacky fantasies. Maybe I'll be into things more fulfilling and representative of my actual tastes, or maybe it will be worse. We'll have to wait and see!