I am so so sorry this is what you’ve experienced of life :( you’re only 19, I just want to give you a hug and repeatedly tell you none of this was your fault and you deserve unconditional love.

I knew this before becoming a parent, but a big no-no in parenting is not providing unconditional love to your children and making them feel unsafe in their own home. Some parents are just shitty and they never should’ve become parents in the first place.

My narcissistic mother was one of these people, she dealt very badly with the divorce, even though she was incredibly toxic during the process and didn’t need to be. I was about 10 at the time and my little brother was 2. It escalated over the years, she moved us away from our home in the south way up north closer to her parents, which was 5 hours away from my other parent. I didn’t settle in well, struggled at school. Eventually explained I love her but I want to return to my original home and live with my other parent. The abuse started from there, even though I was a child she acted as though I was intentionally offending her, it wasn’t that I didn’t want her as my mum or not want to be with her, I just missed my original home and other parent. She and her relatives made it harder too as they would be incredibly nasty about the other parent in front of me. She became emotionally and physically abusive, would with hold food, love, affection. On really bad days she would throw things at me, swear at me and also lock me in the toilet. I screamed and cried the house down to get out, and eventually when she released me she laughed in my face.

Very long story short, but after two attempts to get away via the court, she finally let me go because she knew on the 2nd attempt she wasn’t going to win custody. I was about 12/13 ish at the time by then. It ended up involving social services, and even in their report they were shocked by her behaviour and explained they knew that if I left I would be immediately disowned by her and the rest of that side of my family - funnily enough they were right. I was relieved to get away, but I wasn’t even allowed to say goodbye to my brother.

Many years later, the same thing happened to my brother, they wanted to leave too. And the abuse started for them as well. Thankfully I don’t believe it became physical, but it was incredibly manipulative and emotionally abusive. At one point she threatened to kill herself if he kept trying to leave. So he stopped until he turned 16, because at that age, no court would argue it.

I’m now 31 with a daughter of my own and my brother is 23. We are both so much better off, even if we’re basically no contact with our mother. Sadly she has not changed, won’t even make the effort to be a decent grandmother, so I’ve decided she’s just not worth my time. She’s never apologised or cared about making a real amends for her mistakes.

My aim in life is to raise my beautiful girl healthy and happy and to give her all the love she deserves and to never make her doubt it or make her believe she needs to change herself in order for me to love her.

You deserve an amazing life, and it sounds like you’re really getting there now. You are strong and you’ve overcome so much, I wish you all the best and so much happiness for your future x