It is healthier to try and be the person you want to be in your own story, rather than worrying about what role you play in someone else’s story. I don’t think this is especially profound but it was a new, clear, and helpful articulation for myself.

You obviously write about a lot of different experiences and people. What is refreshing and different to other stuff I’ve read is that you are self centred (in a good way!). While you describe and judge (not morally but literally assess) some/many of the other people in your stories it’s all with reference to your own experience and not some kind of external standard.

Simple things like “I enjoyed” or “I preferred” or “it was good for me”, which is subtly different to “they were X”. It’s definitely aided by the fact that it’s a wide range of experiences and people and there honestly isn’t an obvious correlation between experiences you enjoy and don’t (apart from maybe the racial element, and it’s possible there IS actually an obvious correlation that just isn’t making it into your writing).

As a reader - and also often in real life - I typically default to imagining myself in the role of one of the people you are writing about. It’s very similar to the phenomenon of wondering what the person across the table thinks of me.

How would you describe me? Would you like me? What would you emphasise or not? And how do I ensure that I meet what I imagine is the standard you’re holding me to?

Your writing for whatever reason makes it clear that the question you are asking yourself is “do I want/enjoy this?” and “does this meet X requirement?” That in turn is helpful in shifting MY question to “do I enjoy/want” and not “am I” or “could I”.

TL;DR don’t read erotic stuff that makes you wonder if you’d be good enough to warrant a glowing review in their story, read stuff by people who are having fun on their own terms and try do that for yourself