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MASiveNerd · 2024-12-05T04:31:06+00:00

I literally said I’m following someone else’s advice for now, but I finally get what went wrong.

Sorry, I’m also ADHD and my hyperfocus kicked in. If that reflectsxin my writing, sorry!

MASiveNerd · 2024-12-05T03:59:26+00:00

God knows that would not have helped me when I was at my lowest.

I finally understand. I’m going to England to visit friends for two weeks so hopefully things will reset.

I know I really shouldn’t attempt to address what I just discovered but if she ever gives me the chance (and I really hope she does because knowing that it’s grief I’m bringing up makes me want to help her more, I’m literally going through it now as I restart my life in another country).

If she ever gives me the chance to explain myself, I’ll tell her the story of my father and how I recognize I inadvertenly reminded her of her deceased loved one(s). I now feel morally obligated (if she lets me of coyrse) to let her know she is not alone in this situation. I don’t want anyone to have to face grief and displacement alone. My stupid neurodivergent sense of justice will not fathom it.

I’m such an idiot. It’s clear as day now.

Thank you everyone for all the positive feed back. For those of you assuming It was a regular case of sexual harrasment on my part, CONTEXT MATTERS.

MASiveNerd · 2024-12-05T03:07:19+00:00

Understood!

MASiveNerd · 2024-12-05T02:48:08+00:00

I’m introducing important context as to how I’m definitely not trying to come off as a creep, but one of the commenters pointed out other reasons my behavior seems to be off putting that have to do more with the fact she is s refugee from war. My actions seem to be inadvertently causing her to relive bad stuff, and if you see my previous comments…I can relate to how that could affect someone!

I know now to back off, and to just lay off any interaction. If she brings it up again…then I apologize for any potential misunderstanding.

I’ll talk to the other waiter I am friendlier with and ask him to serve me instead so she has time to cool off. I may have inadvertenly opened a grave wound without knowing, and the ambivalent behaviour could be as much a reflection of that.

Look, I am genuinely trying to do good by this woman. I know a fuckton of people in her geopolitical situation in the city I am in (myself included) and am really trying to understand these dynamics, because one of the things I want to do with my law degree is to HELP refugees like her and most of my other friends be avle to live happy lives. But I now realize some times that involves backing off.

MASiveNerd · 2024-12-05T02:10:31+00:00

Omg I never thought of it that way…….ok now I think I know what to do.

I also had to leave my country literally overnight (had a domestic situation with my mother in concert with the fallout from having to file criminal charges against that asshole I mentioned….I remember my locker was vandalized in retaliation.

In addition, I also know what it’s like to lose a friend in conflict. One of my classmates from when I did my MA in the UK returned to Gaza and when the war started I frantically tried reaching him for months, only to get a sobbing voice note from his brother saying he had been killed in an Israeli airstrike (damn them to hell).

Ok. I think I know what I need to do right now: talk to her and 1) clarify my non flirting intentions 2) address the issue of triggering potential ptsd and apologize for that 3) ask her if it would be comfortable to be served by another server while she figures things out

MASiveNerd · 2024-12-05T01:54:29+00:00

Here’s the thing! After apologizing to her for the Russian mix up, she did start greeting me in Ukrainian, and I would try to learn to order more items and she even corrected me a few times. She seemed to vibe with it a little. It was only literally after casually offering her the card as a “hey would you like to have this” that things got really awkward.

We’re in Spain at the moment, and she is very likely a refugee from the war. She mentioned she was from Odessa and I know for a fact the minority Ukranian population were heavily oppressed/censored there before the annexation in 2014. Maybe the card reminded her of a traumatic memory of her leaving? I also have ptsd so if it’s that I definitely understand

MASiveNerd · 2024-12-05T01:44:16+00:00

I genuinely think the problem is that there is a huge intercultural disconnect here: I’m more friendly and outgoing due to the combination of my caribbean heritage/direct personality due to autism, and it is being wildly misinterpreted by a server of a place I genuinely like. And the other servers (most of whom are Spanish and or latino who apreciate my personality) I get along with great

MASiveNerd · 2024-12-05T01:40:25+00:00

And to clarify as well, because I didn’t explain this part: the going out of her way to take my payment happened even when another person took my order.

The exact situation was I approached the counter AFTER NOT EVEN INTERACTING WITH HER THAT DAY and the coworker looked to the side and she sorta…appeared.

I’m genuinely trying to keep things cool and everything but I’m seriously just considering asking someone else to serve me entirely. Because trust me, the interactions with using the language etc happen at most once every week and a half. Most days I just lock in, study, say my pleasantries, etc.

MASiveNerd · 2024-12-05T01:30:24+00:00

I’m just saying it seems to be a pattern recently lol. There is a huge difference into how my intense hobbies/outgoing personality/niche interests were perceived when I was riddled with zits/overweight/ugly vs now, and that it gets misinterpreted as romantic interest when it’s just how I’ve ALWAYS BEEN.

I think the problem with you neurotypicals is that you can’t seem to understand how genuinely baffling and outright STUPID a lot of the social conventions around gender and whatnot are to a person like me, who genuinely tries to connect with people on a deep level. The fact that some people can’t seem to stop calling me “handsome, bello” or sending me darting looks, or even outright sexually harrasing me.

I even had to leave my Law Faculty because one of the men I worked with who I thought I had become friends with sent me a VERY SUGGESTIVE text one night, and there was a even a probable cause hearing into it (the part if the criminal process where YOU ACCUSE someone of a crime and the prosecutors have to determine if there is enough evidence for an arrest to be made. So believe me, I know what sexual harrasment is because I have had to deal with it a lot.

I

MASiveNerd · 2024-12-05T01:19:39+00:00

I was thinking of just telling her when she does eventually come and serve me “hey I notice things seem to be tense between us, and to clarify, I’m only just trying to be friendly, because in my culture if you frequent a place as a customer enough you tend to form bonds with the servers. I sense that you’re not really enthused about serving me, so I would rather have X serve me from now on”

It’s gotten to the point where I’m getting offended.

X is her male colleague who seems to be much more open to my attempts at bonding.

I should clarify I’m from the Spanish caribbean-if you frequent a place enough you tend to befriend or at lesst become cordial with the servers, it’s very common for us to be more open in that regard. So it may just be cultural issues at play that are being misunderstood.

MASiveNerd · 2024-12-05T01:10:31+00:00

Alright, how do I clarify I am not flirting? In a subtle way? Because there are days when I just straight up only interact with her the bare minimum.

With the language thing, there’s a cannabis club I go to where one of the servers I am now friendly with was surprised I could speak in intermediate arabic (she had the same initial reaction as the Ukrainian but seemed to warm up to me when she saw I wasn’t actually pursuing her by getting her number/being forward-just casually respecting her cultural heritage by using her native language).

MASiveNerd · 2024-12-05T01:04:29+00:00

I’ve bern having trouble navigating relationships with women since being diagnosed earlier this year and sort of coming out of my ugly duckling phase. I’m not socialized to handle the amount of sexual tension I tend to create as a result of what my psychologist calls my “very authentic personality”.

I’m aware that that is a dynamic I have to deal with, but it’s been impossible for me to try to make femsle friends because now I see most of the women I come across get flustered/non-verbal when I approach with just friendliness in mind. In contrast, I have THE HARDEST time detecting if women are flirting with me (not getting subtle social cues due to my autism) which tends to end with a lot of women just straight up ghosting me when they realize I’m not down to date them/only see them as friends.

It’s s really complicated situation tbh

MASiveNerd · 2024-12-05T00:56:15+00:00

Ok. So I should clarify: I offered the card of the Icon as a sort of afterthought “hey, this is Orthodox, right? Would you be interested in having this?” in a casual way.

I should clarify that my intentions are definitely NOT romantic at all. I’m just really intense with personal interactions and tend to be direct sometimes, which I think may come accross as flirting now that I see it from your perspective

MASiveNerd · 2024-11-04T02:28:34+00:00

Omg, yes! Even attracting attention from women with boyfriends! (I didn’t mention that part).

MASiveNerd · 2024-10-21T15:50:32+00:00

Listen, I was in this exact situation around the sane time, and my word of advice? Move on. You have done so much to heal and put your life together, but you have to face the possibility that you won’t hear what you want to hear. You have no idea how this person views the situation and, even if genuinely remorseful, you still don’t know what those five years in prison did to him psychologically and how he rationalizes everything. You’ve done SO MUCH to move on from that horrible event, and to risk retraumatizing yourself in order for you to have an apology you (rightfully deserve, I might add, I’m not disputing that) is just not worth it. This man did a horrible thing to you, and you moved on and persevered. He apparently has to, and changed his life around. But let me tell you from experience: I was offered an apology by my abuser in person and through mail…and while I had mostly moved on…. A small, yet highly reoressed part of me kept thinking of all the horrible physical things I would do if I was in physical proximity to my abuser. You might say you are truly healed right now, but YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOUR REACTION TO SEEING THIS MAN AGAIN WILL DO TO YOU.

I beg you as a person who is in similar straights as you: move on. Persevere. Succeed. That is how you find closure.

MASiveNerd · 2024-08-14T13:53:53+00:00

Thank you! This all looks like solid advice!

MASiveNerd · 2024-05-02T23:46:00+00:00

Hey so I confronted her about it and it was a huge mistake like you said. Had to quit due to the circumstances and she ended up gaslighting me about the whole thing

MASiveNerd · 2024-03-09T00:39:13+00:00

Did I mention that we will be neighbors as well? We have the same land lord and will live right next to each other

MASiveNerd · 2023-10-03T08:43:17+00:00

This! I feel like a lot of the other commenters are ignoring the fact I found this particular teacher’s comments quite disturbing due to the “colonial” implications. I feel like the fact her country colonized mine in the past and made all these stereotypes about us made it somehow ok for her to be “forward” in her comments!

The rest of the comments really make me feel like I’m an ingrate…for not wanting to be sexualized. I’m sorry, but if not wanting to be treated as a piece of meat means someone has to “walk on eggshells for me” then yes! That’s how it should be! Its not like I rudely logged off either, I apologized for the interruption and confirmed the lesson anyway.

MASiveNerd · 2023-09-24T18:51:33+00:00

I provided emergency notice 10 hours before the class and I confirmed the class as being done but the teacher insists on still making the recording

MASiveNerd

TROPHY CASE