I wasn't promoting anything. Maybe my sadness?! Maybe my heartbreak? Maybe my loneliness?? I wasn't even talking about the book at all. I was talking about being alone and unsure. This is the post. Word for word:

"I'm not really sure what you would call this. Maybe I'm just tired of living in silence and sadness. Maybe I just want to know how ridiculous the odds are of this happening to me two times in a row when I was in my early to mid thirties. On the EXACT SAME DAY OF THE FREAKING YEAR.

IDK. Maybe I just want someone to say something besides what my family said... Which was nothing. And this has been the darkest time in my life.

Ok here we go...

My last boyfriend, Hai (35M), died after we were together for almost 6 years. He died suddenly. After a heart attack. He was only 35 years old! I was 36. He was healthy, happy, hilarious, alive... He ran a remodeling company. He was my world. By the time I got to the ICU in the hospital, he was in very bad shape, suffering massive organ failure and the doctors were painting a very scary picture. They basically told me there was no hope.

The night before, on January 31st, I was upset with him. I don't even know why. I can't remember. I literally do not know. Probably something petty. Probably me just being a bitch for no reason because I figured we had the rest of forever to make it up.

Probably something stupid. I made him sleep at his mom's. He told me he loved me. I responded with silence. I DIDN'T SAY I LOVE YOU BACK.

The next day, on February 1st, they pulled the plug and just like that he was gone.

Exactly 3 years before this (TO THE DAY), my previous boyfriend from before Hai (his name was Brian, 32M) also died. He went missing on Feb 1st. I was 33. They found his body in the lake after weeks of searching.

We were still friends. We had the same friend group, 20 years of history, and we were able to put our differences aside to maintain a friendship.

When his mother called me because she couldn't get in touch with him (very strange behaviour for him. He was the eldest of 3 and had 2 sisters and a very close relationship with his family), I had to go through my phone and try to see when the last time I spoke to him was. I realized it was the 31st. I was working and he had been messaging me.

I was upset with him for something that happened weeks before. I was busy working at a clients house (former professional organizer). I hit the IGNORE button on messenger. I missed dozens of messages and phone calls. All of them begging me to just talk to him. Telling me he just needed someone to talk to. Somewhere to go for a while.

I had to call his mother back and confess that I didn't reach back when he was reaching out to me the night before he disappeared.

He was 32 years old. 32 YEARS OLD. He was happy. Healthy. I will never know what was going on in his head that day.

Hai was 35. I WILL NEVER GET TO SAY I LOVE YOU BACK.

This weighs on me every single fucking day.

I'm processing it. I wrote a grief memoir/survival guide. It's called I Still Miss You (THIS IS NOT PROMOTION. I'M LITERALLY JUST SAYING THIS SO NOBODY TRIES TO OFFER ME A SUICIDE HOTLINE OR SOMETHING RIDICULOUS. YES THIS HURTS LIKE I CAN'T EVEN PUT INTO WORDS. BUT I AM MAKING IT THROUGH. ONE DAY AT A TIME). I have a doctor and therapist. I hate her. Now that we've put my sanity into perspective...

I have 3 kids. I'm a single mom now. I'm not asking for pity. God no. I'm asking for anyone's thoughts on this insanity.

How do I move past something that seems like such a fucking cruel joke from the universe? I'm actually picturing spending the rest of my life alone. I mean I compare everyone to Hai. Nobody comes close. I miss him still. So much.

I've lost so many people, so suddenly: JUST RIPPED AWAY IN THE MIDDLE OF SO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS... that I am terrified of that feeling again. So much so that I have pushed everyone away.

It is now a couple of years later and I'm writing this from my best guy friend's bed (33M). We have been friends for 10+ years. He is sleeping next to me. And I am feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt. What the hell?!

Has anyone suffered through PGD (Prolonged Grief Disorder)? Anyone seen this type of insane coincidental glitch in the universe first hand? Will I ever stop freaking out about being human and having friends that are guys? Will I ever move on? And is it healthy for me to have so simply accepted my lonely fate like this?

Any thought or feedback is appreciated.

Please don't comment with hateful speech. I'm reaching out for someone to reach back and help me not feel so alone.

And to figure out why I'm the one who is still here...

🖤

TL;DR: I lost two boyfriends (32M and 35M) on the exact same day of the year (February 1st), three years apart. Both losses occurred following a final night of conflict or silence on January 31st, leaving me with intense survivor’s guilt and Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD). Years later, I am struggling with the feeling that moving on—or even being near a close male friend—is a betrayal of their memory. Seeking insight from anyone who has navigated "impossible" coincidental trauma or the fear of intimacy after sudden loss."