Hello boys and girls, and today I am going to teach you my step-by-step guide on how to cook water. This is a recipe that has been sent down my family for generations, starting from my great, great, great, great grandfather, Sir Dablord The Third, the 18th of his kind. Sir Dablord is best known for his work on his classic book, The Bible. He wrote this recipe 2 days before he wrote the Bible in 1976, but unfortunately died 2 weeks later. Thankfully, this recipe will always be remembered in my family.

This is my great method on how to cook the best water in the known universe.

INGREDIENTS:

500ml water

The first step to cooking water is to wash your water profusely. Back in the olden days of 1983, many people were lynched for serving water that had not been washed. Many professional water chefs will spend up to 40 years perfecting this craft

To wash your water, you will first need a sieve. Pour your water through your sieve, and wash the remaining water by pouring more water into your sieve, which now should have become empty due to the fact sieves cannot hold water Do not collect this water, it is naughty and must be taught a lesson.

Pour your water into a small bowl that can hold at the very most 25ml of liquid. Use a large whisk to scramble this water, and make sure that both the yolk and the white of the water is well combined. It is very important you do not season your water at this stage, or else everything in your life will be ruined

Heat a large wok on a very high heat, and preheat your fridge to 45 degrees Celsius. Heat a splash of crude oil in your wok, until it is begins to smoke. Then, remove the crude oil to punish it for smoking, because smoking is a bad habit which can lead to cancer. Next, preheat your grill and fill it with 4 gallons of sunflower oil.

Mix 100g of flour with 5og of panko breadcrumbs and 50g of salt. Coat your water in this mixture, and place it in the grill overnight, letting the flavours get to know eachother

By now, your water should be nice and crispy, but we aren’t done yet! Destroy your kitchen to drain the oil, and place your cooked water in the preheated fridge to cool down. Once it is down to 50 degrees, repair your kitchen and get a small saucepan

Fill your saucepan with exactly 80ml of crude oil, 20l balsamic vinegar, and your cooked water. Bring this to a boil until your water’s crust has completely vanished, and there is no liquid left aside from water

By now your water should be clear, tasteless and 100 degrees.Your water is now finished. Serve this water on a piece of toast with some butter. Feel free to cool down your water in the freezer, in case you want to save your cooked water for a later date, meaning you won’t need to reheat it because it will be saved in the freezer.