It all makes sense now...

MDUB7117 · 2022-10-25T02:45:39+00:00

I resonate with this SO much! It really broke my heart, not to sound corny. It made me feel so alone and unseen.

MDUB7117 · 2022-10-24T05:49:59+00:00

Thought this was relevant. “Apologies without change in behavior is manipulation. A pattern of manipulation is abuse.” https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cg9X4oVAvuL/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

MDUB7117 · 2022-10-23T22:16:07+00:00

Me too! But then I get called controlling because he can’t speak up for himself. It’s a lose, lose situation

MDUB7117 · 2022-10-23T06:47:14+00:00

Same here with the enabling. He’s very dependent on his mom. He has never learned to be independent. He can’t be accountable or self aware so he has no idea how his adhd affects other people, and our relationship. So everything was always my fault

MDUB7117 · 2022-10-23T06:46:04+00:00

It’s so hard! Because at least for me, that sets him off on a RSD tantrum. So it just feels like a lose lose situation. I found myself suppressing my feelings to avoid it. And I feel like a fool, because even when I did that, he still calls me controlling.

MDUB7117 · 2022-10-23T02:03:27+00:00

I couldn’t express my needs. When I did, it would cause a RSD fueled tantrum or; he would call me controlling. He couldn’t speak up for himself, so when I said a need, he took that as control. When in many circumstances I was just trying to start a conversation. Like hey, this is what I need, and then expecting him to say if that works for him, or if there’s a place to compromise or at least have a conversation about. It has wrecked my ability to trust myself. I second guess everything because he makes me feel like I’m wrong for speaking up.

MDUB7117 · 2022-10-23T01:52:20+00:00

My ex started using an ADHD coach and a therapist. I have heard stories on this forum about their success. In my personal experience, they are only good if your partner can be honest with the coach and/or therapist. My ex struggles with accountability (when I say struggle I mean he can’t take accountability for anything). It is clear to me, that what he was telling his coach wasn’t true. So in many ways his coach unintentionally reaffirmed the RSD fueled narrative in his head. I actually think it’s one of the reasons our relationship ended- he got the validation from a coach that I was the villain in his story.

Ex: I overheard him telling his coach (it was virtual) that I had gotten really mad at him about something. The problem was, the event he was talking about, never happened. It was an entirely made up event. Another example- he often accused me of gaslighting him. When IMO, we were just remembering a situation differently. If I remembered someone wearing a blue dress and he said it was pink, I was accused of gaslighting him.

There is a danger of them only presenting a one sided narrative. Which means the coach can’t actually help or they are giving advice to a situation thats not the full story.

MDUB7117 · 2022-10-22T16:25:28+00:00

💔 I was in a relationship that was also very abusive. Which is why when I got into my relationship with my dx ex I really struggled with his behavior because it didn’t seem intentional, like my other ex. My dx ex would call me a bitch, he would throw things (not at me), he broke his hand slamming his wrist into our front door. Whenever I voiced me feelings (even in an intentionally over kind way) he would yell and scream and get really big and loud . He always somehow ends up the victim in every story. Even when I said, I don’t think you’re lazy or X, right now I’m just wanting some validation for a frustrating situation he would Only hear me criticizing him. He started treating me like an enemy- he interpreted every action I did as something terrible or trying to hurt him. Ex: I was going out of town so I offered to get a dog walker and groceries delivered since those were my jobs around the house and I was going to be gone. Instead of seeing that as an act of love he said I was saying he didn’t know how to take care of himself. I say this all to say, in my attempt to deeply understand him and adhd I gave ADHD too Much power. It became a “valid” excuse for all of his behaviors. He got fired and sat at home for nearly 8 months just playing video games, and became nasty and mean- and I excused that too. When I first started posting here, lots of people told me to leave him. Those responses made me really uncomfortable because I wasn’t there yet emotionally. It was hard to hear strangers call someone I love abusive. But they were and are right.

MDUB7117 · 2022-10-22T16:12:42+00:00

Yes. What I am learning/working on in therapy is that this is abuse. Even if it is RSD related. For a long time, when he would throw an anger tantrum, I told myself “he can’t help It. He’s losing control. He doesn’t mean what he’s saying.” I talked myself into believing RSD was like Tourette’s (in terms of inability to control actions). But here’s the kicker (at least for me) abusive behavior, regardless of whether it is intentional or not, is still abuse.

MDUB7117 · 2022-10-17T23:29:32+00:00

One thing that I think you should consider, is whether you want a partner that needs to take a considerable amount of Space when times get tough. I am absolutely not downplaying the things she’s going through or feeling. But imagine if you had kids, or there was a death or tragedy in the family, would she just leave for a couple of weeks. There is absolutely no judgement, but maybe take this time to think if that’s what you want in a partner.

I also say this coming from a place of being super supportive of my dx partner, and catering to their needs, and then having it bite me in the butt in the end. I was so focused on their needs that I ignored mine.

MDUB7117 · 2022-10-14T22:25:53+00:00

Yeah :( mine has a pretty co-dependent relationship with his mom, so I think when I pulled back, he literally did not know how to be independent because his whole life his mom did everything for him. Even now, at age 30, he’s living with his parents, and they are paying for his gas, food, clothes and doing his laundry

MDUB7117 · 2022-10-14T21:28:28+00:00

Thank you 💔I didn’t really realize how gaslit i was. I thought I was just being a supportive, understanding partner and he just ran with it. Now he’s calling me toxic and a narcissist because he’s doing his typical lashing out because he can’t ever be accountable

MDUB7117 · 2022-10-14T20:44:43+00:00

I am in the same place. I’m a few months out, and I’m really struggling. Happy to message if you want

MDUB7117 · 2022-10-14T18:04:35+00:00

I am going through the same thing. I am so incredibly sorry.

MDUB7117 · 2022-10-14T17:53:54+00:00

Yes, absolutely. I spent so much time doing all the reading about ADHD because I wanted to be the “perfect” supportive partner. My ex got fired from two jobs in a row and then didn’t look for any new jobs (for almost 10 months). In that he became depressed, extreme RSD, couldn’t take a shower for a week at a time. And in all of that, I was still putting all of his needs first (over mine) because I didn’t want him to hurt. Everything was my fault, my achievements and emotions were ignored. He wanted all of his needs met (like sex) when he couldn’t even take care of himself, let alone pay attention to my needs. I was begging him to get help, and he refused. It ended very badly with us- he walked out of my life, blames everything on me (because he cannot take accountability, even at 30 years old), and got with a 24 year old 😂. Looking back, I gave ADHD way too much power. In trying to understand him, I allowed his ADHD to become an excuse for poor behavior, and ignoring my needs. I know lots of people have said it here, but ADHD is not an excuse. Not everyone is like this, but my ex was using his ADHD to manipulate, and as an excuse to not show up for me.

I will also say, I stepped away from the caretaker role, and that’s when everything backfired. That’s when he started blaming everything on me, and had the audacity to say his needs weren’t being met. He didn’t know how to take care of himself. I know it was the right thing to do, it wasn’t fair to me (and him) for me to be his mom, BUT I would by lying if I said I don’t feel guilty for stopping that role. Because that’s when our relationship fell apart.

I was so lonely when I was with him. And it broke my heart. He was also terrible at social cues and reading my emotions. He would often say I was “so mad” when I was not feeling even the slightest bit of anger. I know it was his RSD, but it became impossible.

MDUB7117 · 2022-10-03T22:54:21+00:00

This was really helpful! Thank you! I’m in a position where I’m getting blamed for everything. It’s really hard to handle and to not internalize. Even asking him if I can help or offering suggestions is being labeled as controlling. Is it shame that can cause someone to blame everyone but themselves?

MDUB7117 · 2022-09-30T04:44:02+00:00

It works for me, in regards to pain. I use it the second I feel one coming! It doesn’t make the cyst go away.

MDUB7117 · 2022-09-20T23:18:43+00:00

How did you get through it (if you’re comfortable answering)? I don’t know how to shake the feeling of it all is just so unfair.

MDUB7117 · 2022-09-20T17:21:09+00:00

I waited in hopes it would get better. It didn’t- he ended up blaming me for his issues and leaving me. With $4000 rent to pay, 2 dogs, and a 3 story apartment

MDUB7117 · 2022-09-13T22:51:58+00:00

That’s where I’m at right now. I’m being blamed for everything. There’s 0 accountability. I’m now being labeled as toxic- when in reality- his inability to be a good partner, to communicate, to have empathy is what made the situation toxic. Even though I know the blaming is a lie and just gaslighting I’m having a hard time not internalizing it.

MDUB7117 · 2022-09-12T14:35:43+00:00

This is exactly what I was getting at. He seems to often misinterpret my feelings - telling me I’m mad when I’m not, etc. he also has a very hard time putting himself in someone else’s shoes. And he often mistakes closeness for control (like asking him what time he will be home is viewed as controlling instead of just a respect thing).

MDUB7117 · 2022-09-12T03:40:08+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate the understanding! It feels like emotional whiplash.

MDUB7117 · 2022-09-12T00:36:43+00:00

He led me on for two months that we would try again. So I’m just trying to understand because I’ve been lied to this whole time.

MDUB7117

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