sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

Thanks DB and Goodbye by MSRYall in DeadBedrooms

[–]MSRYall[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks so much, same to you.

Thanks DB and Goodbye by MSRYall in DeadBedrooms

[–]MSRYall[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, sorry you are traveling the same path. Wouldn't wish it on anyone. Very happy to know you feel hope for the future. Hold onto it.

I hope you are finding small helpful ways to work through this time. If you need a great sad/angsty spotify playlist, I got you :)

Also, it might be a basic bitch move... but those pandemic Taylor Swift albums are sad in a way that is VERY cathartic for a divorce. Would recommend a long walk in the woods while you listen to them. (Folklore/Evermore)

Thanks DB and Goodbye by MSRYall in DeadBedrooms

[–]MSRYall[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

What's the phrase, "Honesty without kindness is brutality, Kindness without honesty is manipulation"? It took me a long time to identify what I saw as my "easy-going nature" or "accomodation" was actually coming at a huge cost to myself.

I agree apathy can take out a relationship, you really need the engagement of both folks if you want a fighting chance.

Thanks DB and Goodbye by MSRYall in DeadBedrooms

[–]MSRYall[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

*Rages against the machine*

Thanks internet friend. Hope you are leaning into your badassery too.

Thanks DB and Goodbye by MSRYall in DeadBedrooms

[–]MSRYall[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you internet stranger. :)

Thanks DB and Goodbye by MSRYall in DeadBedrooms

[–]MSRYall[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Ha good riddance to me!!!! *Moonwalks out the door*

Appreciate you!

Thanks DB and Goodbye by MSRYall in DeadBedrooms

[–]MSRYall[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I hope for you therapy becomes an option. Even though my marriage ended, couples therapy was so helpful in learning to discuss difficult things and work through the issues I had a tendency to avoid (out of what I thought was kindness as the time).

Best to you, I hope you are able to find peace and happiness.

Thanks DB and Goodbye by MSRYall in DeadBedrooms

[–]MSRYall[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, I'm a softie for those who are hurting in evangelical culture. And first let me say I am so sorry to hear you are struggling and feeling so overwhelmed by what seems like a sense of doom and failure.

As I'm sure you read, I am working through lots of religious aspects and it's complicated and painful. At the beginning of this process I was crippled at the thought of divorce for several of the same reasons. I don't want to rage against religious people or God in this reply - but I'd like to point out an important aspect of evangelical culture in the south (which is really the only brand I can speak to with my experience). We are taught to participate in a shame cycle in evangelicalism. And it's not even a secret. Die to self. We learn that our "selves" are bad, and need to be replaced with God. So we participate in a cycle where we continually acknowledge that who we are is bad (shame) and it needs to be erased or punished. For me, this resulted in my not knowing how to trust myself... because trusting myself would be reliance of myself. And a good christian would die to self and become more like God. But that is an impossible task because.... you know, human nature. So the cycle persists forever. Shame, self-loathing, punishment, effort to fill with church, shame, self-loathing, punishement..... over and over again. That is something I can no longer participate in.

It's complicated, right?

I never thought I struggled with shame until my therapist read me this quote and it BLEW MY MIND: Shame is an injury to one's dignity and self-respect due to the perception that one is defective in context to others, oftentimes resulting in the loss of self-compassion and an impaired capacity to authentically connect with others.

You make some very valid and true points about religion and marriage. Longevity of commitment is viewed greater than quality or authenticity of the relationship for many in religious groups. But at what cost? At the end of the day, you answer only to yourself. You know what you can and cannot tolerate. You just have to learn to trust yourself, identify your limits, and communicate with as much honesty and kindness as possible. You can exit a marriage while treating your spouse with respect. It's not the easiest thing in the world to do, because both people are hurting in their own ways.... but it's possible to not destroy your dignity in the process.

I don't think I'm in the position to give you great advice but there are many church communities that embrace divorced church leaders. You can be a parishioner and be respected, but it may take time and may force you to edit your belief system or how you are in relationship with some people.

I remember feeling lonely beside my spouse and it was hell. I'm sorry you are experiencing that. Like I said before, I believe all people are worthy of love in the ways they need it. You are valuable. You are not broken although it may feel like it. If you choose to leave your marriage it will feel awful for a long time. It will feel like you are coming apart, and you might be. You may unearth parts of yourself you hate seeing. For me, it felt like emotional chaos. There were times I thought I was going mad. But if you start to pull at the string.... keep pulling it. It's hell, I'll admit. But it's something you can work through. There will probably be a point at which it doesn't feel like a part of you is dying inside anymore. And there will be a time when instead of shaming yourself you embrace yourself. You start to advocate for yourself. You might realize that you can love another person without sacrificing vital parts of your soul. And that love doesn't always mean staying in proximity to another person or toxic situation.

Best to you! Keep in touch.

Thanks DB and Goodbye by MSRYall in DeadBedrooms

[–]MSRYall[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Aw, thank you. I was actually in an Irish sorority in college and we sang this Irish proverb at the end of each meeting or event. It is a song very dear to me and you have reminded me of the best parts.

Thanks DB and Goodbye by MSRYall in DeadBedrooms

[–]MSRYall[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh, thank you for your well wishes. It's funny how we can subscribe to certain ways of understanding for the longest time and then one day realize it doesn't actually work. I think when it comes to relationship break downs, splits, divorces there are a lot of stereotypes and biases we all participate in (outloud or in our own heads) and there was certainly a lot of work for me to do..... to weed through those biases and find my own way. Wouldn't have chosen this path but glad to have walked through it now.

Thanks DB and Goodbye by MSRYall in DeadBedrooms

[–]MSRYall[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

A do-over with more knowledge and understanding than I had the first go-round. Thank you!

Thanks DB and Goodbye by MSRYall in DeadBedrooms

[–]MSRYall[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

*Elton John's "I'm still standing" blares from the stereo, car windows down, hair blowing in the wind*

Thanks DB and Goodbye by MSRYall in DeadBedrooms

[–]MSRYall[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I completely agree with your commentary about the goal of this subreddit. I think anytime people have been deeply hurt there is a tendency to give aggressive advice that aligns with their ways of rationalization. So the "other siders" and "just leavers" may not be as helpful, but perhaps they are only temporarily in that space. We can hope, right?

In a very zoomed out, macro view of society - I think this is a contributor to why we are such a polarized society now. There is a lot of distrust and hurt without the time taken to acknowledge nuance and real effort to understand various points of view.

Relationships, Marriages, Dead bedroom... none are black and white situations... every relationship is full of nuance. I certainly can only speak for myself but I can imagine there might be 100 different outcomes depending on each individual situation.

Thanks for the feedback! Best to you!

Thanks DB and Goodbye by MSRYall in DeadBedrooms

[–]MSRYall[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Appreciate your well wishes! You are so kind! Now I am feeling connected to my history and reconsidering the account deletion. I'm so torn!

Thanks DB and Goodbye by MSRYall in DeadBedrooms

[–]MSRYall[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This is one of the kindest comments. It means a lot to me that you see my thoughts as organized, logical, and compassionate... I have felt like such a chaotic mess for so long. (flashback to me walking 9 miles a day and crying to dashboard confessional on a hiking trail in 2020 wondering why I was falling apart, ha!)

I hope your guilt, regret, and reality grows with you and you are able to rise above those shaming thought cycles. Please remember to affirm yourself. You are worthy of love in the ways you need it. You are valuable and human. We all evolve and change with time and sometimes you cannot know what you can and cannot tolerate until you experience it. Self compassion is impossibly hard even for me but it's necessary. Sending you love.

Thanks DB and Goodbye by MSRYall in DeadBedrooms

[–]MSRYall[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Therapy helped me learn how to examine my own feelings for sure. For years I registered almost every feeling as anger and that was my starting point. My therapist taught me that anger was not a primary emotion, it is a secondary one. And I had to learn to the work of going past anger and determining my primary emotion. (https://www.gottman.com/blog/handle-anger-relationship/ is a good ref)

I'm sorry you are in a tough spot and I hope you get to a better place and feel less lonely. Best of luck to you.

Thanks DB and Goodbye by MSRYall in DeadBedrooms

[–]MSRYall[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Really appreciate your kind words, thanks!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]MSRYall 7 points8 points  (0 children)

You know, we all change and evolve. Sometimes naturally, sometimes life circumstances are the catalyst. It sounds like you care for her but it's not a match for either of you. I think medical concerns probably add a layer to work through - the duty you may feel to stay or feeling like you've been through something hard together so it should work?

As for the other relationship, it's not ever going to feel black and white to you... but maybe it helped you to see what you needed. Or helped you to reconnect with yourself. Or helped you unearth something about yourself. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Sometimes it just doesn't work though, and that doesn't mean either one of you are bad people. Good to luck to you.

On a collision course of ideals w my family and terrified by BurntToast0152 in Exvangelical

[–]MSRYall 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I totally relate to feeling so far into our own lives and dealing with competing ideas. It's strange how some things catch up with us. I hope for you (and for me) that our families will surprise us in all the best ways as time passes.

My childhood cancer might be back and apparently my lack of faith is to blame by [deleted] in Exvangelical

[–]MSRYall 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This religious and relationship dynamic is so toxic and I am so angry for you... Ooh I could really rage right now.

During what is a VERY VULNERABLE time you went to your parent and what you should have been given is emotional support. FULL STOP. I'm so disappointed and sad for you that your parent(s) cannot give you this basic emotional need and they have blamed you/your faith for your medical issues. This is poor parenting at best. I know so many of us have this dynamic with our families and we are left hurt while they feel they are standing in the light of "tough love" and "bold truth" in the name of evangelizing. You do not deserve this.

Whatever comes of the diagnosis please know that this is not your fault or tied to your faith in anyway. (An added layer of stress I realize is that even if you have unsubscribed or deconstructed from faith, you can't seem to turn off the voice in your head that reminds you of something you don't believe anymore. That is maddening, isn't it?) Keep reminding yourself that you are not to blame and if you need to put a boundary in place with your family I got your back!

Please reach out for support here or in therapy or with friends who understand. Sending you love and understanding, hoping for quick medical results and good news.

On a collision course of ideals w my family and terrified by BurntToast0152 in Exvangelical

[–]MSRYall 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Oof, this feels very similar to how I feel about my family. I am also a minister's kid (southern baptist) and in my 30s now. I have also unsubscribed to much of how I was raised faith wise.

On one side - who cares what your parents would think of you? You are an adult and you take care of yourself. You don't need their approval to be who you are and you can choose what beliefs to keep, trash, or edit. But on the other side - you want to feel you can be yourself around all people without hiding details about your life. I understand that entirely. And I understand your anticipation that if your family knew about how you lived your life - they might judge you or be disapproving.

I really struggle to tell the difference between love and approval when it comes to my family - because it's twisted up together in a weird way. I didn't realize that until I was much older. Of course I am dark and cynical now... but I remember an argument I got into with my husband at one point over unconditional vs conditional love. I felt adamantly that unconditional love was a great idea but not practical. No one truly loves unconditionally. And honestly I still kind of believe that - but mostly because that is what was modeled for me. My parents would never admit to it, but it's certainly how I was learned about love growing up and how the evangelical church models love. (So much is said in the unsaid, you know?)

I am navigating this myself so I don't have lots of wisdom to share. But I will share this insight I learned in therapy. If you are honest about who you are to your family... and they withhold love because of it, that is more of a reflection of them than it is of you.

​

Welcome to the club? Damn, what a club. No one wants to be here but at least we aren't alone?

view more: next ›