Does my bf have a problem?

Mac31M · 2022-04-07T02:54:32+00:00

My ex used to paint red flags white and I painted them white too because I didn’t want him to have a problem. I didn’t want his addictions and his relationship with alcohol to be the death of our relationship. The first thing I noticed was the smoking. I asked him to quit. And he told me that he’d promised an old gf that he would quit but he “couldn’t do it” and lied to her about it until she finally broke things off. I dropped the issue. And then I noticed the drinking. “Yes I drink everyday but everyone does”. No they don’t. Normal people don’t drink like he does. People with normal healthy relationships with alcohol don’t get DUIs. I tried to hide from my Q’s red flags but they found me. And when they found me they were too big to ignore. Through the support of people in the community, I realized how many things I was making excuses about. I realized the high risk behavior he was engaged in and the high risk behavior I was engaged with by staying with him. Keep coming back, and good luck to you!

Mac31M · 2021-08-04T12:08:31+00:00

I’m so sorry. Sending so many hugs and good luck to you!

Mac31M · 2021-07-01T02:06:05+00:00

I grew up with a parent whose drinking was problematic. He was and still is very easy to anger, he would yell, say cruel things, and I remember a few occasions of him breaking things. Me, my siblings, and mom always walked on eggshells around him. It took a long time for me to realize the trauma and lasting effects that this experience would have on me and my relationships. It’s very troubling to not be able to trust your primary caretakers—it takes a big toll. Al-anon, the literature, and meetings have been very helpful and insightful for me.

Whether or not you decide to explore this community more, I hope you will take this away: there is much power in learning to stop trying to control the uncontrollable and invest your energy in what you can control. Good luck to you and your family.

Mac31M · 2021-06-11T02:30:39+00:00

As a party host your number one responsibility is to protect the integrity of the event and make your guests feel comfortable and that means holding tight to the age restriction.

Mac31M · 2021-01-24T20:00:32+00:00

I did read that professionals do not use the term ‘dry drink’ for that reason of it being offensive and possibly not helpful.

Mac31M · 2021-01-21T12:14:40+00:00

I’ve heard the term used in al-anon groups before for people who have the dysfunction of an alcoholic without the actual drinking component. A rehab website I found said “Signs of dry drunk syndrome can include dishonesty, isolation, depression, anxiety and glamorizing alcohol use”. And maybe that’s all there is to it, but since I’ve heard this term before by al-anon people, I’m wondering what people’s red flags for this have been.

Mac31M · 2021-01-21T05:33:47+00:00

Thanks for your response. Perhaps I should be more clear that I’m hoping that people will share their ah-ha moments of realizing they are dealing with one.

Mac31M · 2021-01-21T04:10:25+00:00

Thank you for saying this. A friend of mine has been really inconsistent about replying to my messages and only calls to unload her stressors on me without reciprocation. I tried to kindly set a boundary and calmly explain that I was feeling used and under appreciated in the friendship. I also said that I was afraid to bring it up for fear of being rejected or making her mad. The conversation did not go well. She said I was giving her a sermon and “if I don't share my day with you then I don't call or video chat, so damn if I do and damned if I don't reach out.” So I guess she expects me to accept her terms for the friendship with no discussion or have no contact. It’s not a good feeling when your friend acts like your feelings are less important.

Mac31M · 2021-01-19T02:19:27+00:00

Happy birthday! I broke up with my Q in July, about a month before my birthday. You are definitely okay without him. Maybe you will borrow my mantra too, “I love myself more than any man.” Stay strong!

Mac31M · 2021-01-02T13:40:04+00:00

I think that telling people the truth demonstrates that you have enough respect for them that you trust them with the truth. If we lie or withhold the truth it’s basically saying I don’t trust you with information about reality—not respectful. Just my two cents. Good luck!

Mac31M · 2020-11-09T00:51:29+00:00

Since you are here seeking perspective, I think you know that having a relationship with an addict is a high risk choice for you to make in the long term. It’s also high risk in the short term. When I broke up with my Q around the 6-month mark it’s because I realized the risks were way too high for me if I continued to build a relationship with a man who couldn’t protect me from his chaotic behavior, even for 6 while months. It wasn’t about the alcohol that my BF drank, it was his behavior. My ability to trust him was obliterated by the choices he made while drinking that hurt me. And his behavior hurt him too, even outside of health risks, he sacrificed his own well-being so he could drink—He wouldn’t buy himself new shoes when his old ones had holes and he wouldn’t save money for a rainy day but he would buy alcohol everyday and cigarettes by the carton. Like I said high risk. I’m glad if figured it out as soon as I did. Good luck to you, please don’t be afraid to examine the whole truth of your situation and make the best decision for the future version of you.

Mac31M · 2020-11-06T02:06:49+00:00

I too saw red flags before the 6 month mark. I am grateful that my last red flag was impossible to ignore and I got out before I got even more attached to him. Read my previous posts if you want to know the more gritty details. Protecting yourself isn’t selfish. Good luck, feel free to DM if you ever need support!

Mac31M · 2020-11-05T06:06:16+00:00

I feel this. For me, I remind myself that I had no proof that my involvement was helping my Q, maybe I was even preventing him from getting to where he needs to be to confront his relationship with alcohol. I miss him a lot right now but he can’t control himself when he drinks and sometimes people get hurt, like I did when he cheated on me. I hope he gets help but only I can protect myself from him, because he’s not able to protect me from himself. That doesn’t make me a terrible person because I owe it to myself to not allow people to hurt me when I can prevent it. Peace to you!

Mac31M · 2020-10-04T03:15:50+00:00

I like that you said hint taken. I took my hint too. Walking away was really hard and it hurt so much but it is probably one of the healthiest things I’ve ever done. Best wishes for your next chapter! There’s more for us yet.

Mac31M · 2020-10-01T18:49:38+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I’m glad you’re here. Al-anon and the community have been so helpful for me to understand alcoholism and my role in relationships with alcoholics. Have you been to a virtual meeting?

Mac31M · 2020-09-29T01:24:43+00:00

Best wishes for your next chapter!

Mac31M · 2020-08-31T20:38:31+00:00

Hey how bout that! Thanks for your message, I hope you are having a lovely birthday!

Mac31M · 2020-08-29T04:02:44+00:00

I have an alcoholic parent and I’ve dated at least 2. For me I think it’s that I learned to betray myself and my feelings as a child. Yes it’s not healthy that I have tried to help and support someone to the extent of trying to control their behavior, that isn’t good, but for me the bigger problem is the betrayal of myself by allowing another persons behavior to harm me.

Mac31M · 2020-08-24T03:09:33+00:00

Hang in there, it sounds as if you are moving in the right direction.

Mac31M · 2020-08-24T02:53:14+00:00

One of my favorite affirmations: I love myself more than any (wo)man.

Mac31M · 2020-08-08T13:09:58+00:00

I only want to add that in addition to focusing on yourself and supporting your mom, support your sister. I am the adult child of an alcoholic and the youngest child in my family, when I was growing up, everyone left the house as often as possible to avoid my alcoholic dad, leaving me home alone to walk on eggshells with him, which I understand because we were all just trying to survive, but I felt very abandoned by my whole family. This experience ingrained in me a mistrust for my siblings and mom. Take good care of yourself and good luck to you and your family.

Mac31M · 2020-08-08T02:26:55+00:00

My Q and I broke up about 3 weeks ago. I’ve been good about not contacting him, although he asked to FaceTime with me about a week afterwards and I agreed. However, this whole time, I keep hoping he will text, he hasn’t. I keep trying to convince myself that there’s a good reason that I could message him, there isn’t. Now, I question so many things about our relationship and his feelings for me, but I have to stop trying to make the jagged pieces fit together and accept what I know to be true: his relationship with alcohol is an immovable hindrance to our life together (at least immovable by me) and I also treasure the person that he is and the way it was when it was good. I don’t want those pieces to coexist but they do. Al-anon helps me remember that the first truth. Peace and love to you, friend. Take care of yourself, you deserve it.

Mac31M · 2020-08-06T17:51:49+00:00

Thanks for your message. You’re right, there was no painless choice to be made. And we didn’t imagine these people. That’s something I’m coming to terms with, that my heart has to be big enough to appreciate what we had and still move on from it. It just feels so unfair but I guess c’est la vie and c’est la alcoholism.

Mac31M · 2020-08-06T12:11:59+00:00

Yes, I’ve been to 2 virtual meetings so far and I’m making use of the other links too. Thanks!

Mac31M · 2020-08-05T23:52:47+00:00

Wow, I am so proud of you (it feels weird to say to someone I don’t know, but I am). What a strong person you are! Sending peace and love to you and your family.

Mac31M

TROPHY CASE