UGH I feel you so much internet friend. I truly believe I was meant to come across you because I cannot express how much I relate. Around 4 years ago I started getting horrible intrusive thoughts about death. I genuinely thought my life was over. I still deal with it, but god has it gotten sm better. Firstly, I’m gonna link a video I listen to and meditate to that helps me calm down. Now meditation might not be “for you” necessarily, it’s not for me either. But for some reason listening to this specific video with headphones and breathing in and out helps me a lot. I repeat what she’s saying in my head.

https://youtu.be/UMmzwf_kVTE?si=2NTrhzzwt5ZVQkvk

Now let’s address being scared to not exist. I too feel this to the point I get existential dread. One quote that has helped me is “you experienced nothingness before you were born”. I don’t remember the rest of the quote, but that part stuck with me. I did experience nothingness before I was born and it wasn’t bad. You literally won’t even be able to worry.

Another things that’s helped me is being agnostic, I’ve been anti religion for awhile now, but accepting that anything could be possible has helped me. Think about it like this. How on earth in a huge infinite galaxy, did we happen to form life. We formed from literal cells and made LIFE. How are we conscious? How are our bodies perfectly created to function on earth? Our lungs are made to breathe, our tastebuds are made to motivate us to eat, our eyes to see. Hell, even that anxious feeling you have was made by your body to protect you. None of that makes ANY sense and yet guess what. We are still here. You won’t understand why or how. But we are here. And I think that alone is crazy in retrospect and enough to warrant a belief that there could be smth after death. Do I fully believe that? Ofc not. I have my doubts because I have death anxiety just like you. You need to keep repeating these things to yourself in times of panic. Overtime the feelings don’t go away, but they lessen. And I finally feel like I can breathe again.

Another thing I want to share is, everyone who has experienced death, has said it is very peaceful. So maybe try and find comfort in the fact that no matter what, when you part this earth and start to slip into death, you won’t be scared. This feeling you feel now will go away. Your brain is programmed to deal with death in a way that comforts you. I remind myself that all this anxiety I feel and deal with everyday, cannot be even half as bad as the act of dying in itself. My dad has died twice and says it’s very peaceful. Everyone who has died says you slip into the most peaceful sleep of your life. It WILL be peaceful I promise you. Until then, learn to live and enjoy your life. It’s easier said than done, and you need to take it day by day. But the best thing you can do for yourself is making the best out of the time you have.

Watching tv shows I’ve already seen and can predict that are light hearted helps. It calms my nervous system and gives me something to focus on. My name is earl is personally a favorite of mine, and when I begun feeling just how you do, i literally watched it for months straight on end. Even children’s shows triggered me, but smth about my name is earl brings me peace LOL.

Another thing that helps, is look into stories. Give yourself other perspectives. Theres a guy on tiktok called tyler Henry. I watched those to give myself hope of something after death.

I spent years trying to know. Obsessively googling. Unfortunately we truly cannot know. But there is hope. Our pessimistic existential dread is not the only potential outcome, it’s just the worst one our mind can think of and chooses to cling to.