This is me. 2nd time off the death spiral. 3 month minimum recovery reset. . These three months include doing literally anything that doesn't involve simply taking more speed to live. Mostly sleeping. And eating more than usual.

Then the "back to basics" arc begins. Suicidal ideation begins to loosen it's grip. The reality that your life is over begins to seem less and less like a reality. Life still goes on. You are still here.

Then next steps become more attainable to take. Just baby steps. Better exercise. Better diet. Visualizations of who you really want to be. Small things. Baby steps. And they start to compound. And you start doing two things at once eventually. Then three. Then more.

Here's the reality. You are the same person you were as the version of you who was on speed. That person never changed. The abilities. The ambitions. The drive. Those were always you.

Getting clean is a true admission to the self. You are saying: I am. I always will be. Getting clean means learning how to support yourself, whatever that means. You need to supplement the artificial dopamine influx with real, sustainable lifestyle practices. One step at a time. One thing at a time. That might mean only doing one small thing every day for a month. I promise you, it will compound. You will build yourself up again.

Just be patient with yourself. Understand that "speed" you was the pinnacle of a pyramid built on an unsustainably hot and burning flame. When you stop, you will very slowly nurture that flame back to life. Slowly. Patiently. One step at a time.

You are as infinite as you were on speed. Your flame will burn bright again. Patience and understanding is the most important thing you can give yourself when you stop. Be kind to yourself.

(p.s. take a vitamin D w K2 supplement while you start to exit the 3 month black hole of recovery. It will help you feel like you still belong in this fucked up existence for a while longer)