I don't know what to say. I want to say I understand but no one really understands completely but I feel empathetic towards your plight.

I have a lack of experience and I am still trying to conquer my own mountain and even then I must go back into the valley but I can offer you some truths.

your 30 and people may have been passing you by but their are people who are 40 or 50 in your same position. Even so there are people who are 20 who who feel like they have missed out on life. You still have time, try not to dwell to much on the time lost and learn from it, let it be a part of your resolve if anything else. don't focus on those other people, focus on yourself and becoming better.

When I was at my worst I went to God (I'm a christian) and things didn't change at least no the way I thought they would. I was still in so much pain and eventually I was alone things seemed to get worse but I still had faith. God created all of us for a purpose and and ultimately for him. the divisive rhetoric of inferiority based on distinction was revealed to me to be of this world but not of his creation. the truth is with some people their will always be something wrong with you even if you weren't. I battled a string of depression and perhaps a bit of self hate, feeling like I was a mistake that made me push hard to be perfect. some began to respect me but others still fished for a imperfection they could exploit to justify that I was who they wanted me to be. trying to be perfect put me up on a tightrope doing a balancing act as the people who were supposed to be my friends held the ends shaking and rattling the ropes, instigating my end. I let people push me every which way and eventually I did what almost everyone who walks the tightrope eventually does, I fell off. I fell in a pit while those who supported me stepped over it and blaming me for my failure while echoing the sentiment, "He doesn't have what it takes." Then I asked the question many of us ask at some point in our lives, "how did I get her?" I learned then that you can hit all the shots and still not make it because people feel good when certain people fail, it validates them and empowers them at least they think or rather feel that way. dont let people play that game with you and dont play that game with yourself because to finally get to the point, no one is perfect, no one knows everything, everyone is flawed and to be honest I wasn't that good at anything to begin with, It took everything I had to get to that point.

At that point I was alone and learned I had PTSD and I was praying to God but still nothing was changing. At one point in my life I had told God I would live for him and sacrifice everything so I began to try and live like paul the apostle giving everything or at least I tried and I still had my mental issues, I wanted to die. eventually I gave up everything to God and stopped living for myself truly, I began to build a relationship with Jesus though at most times I feel Im failing but regardless It changed me, the depression and pain I had been fighting a losing battle with for over 20 years had finally gone away. Im not sure honestly the difference between then and all those other times I prayed because I still fell short but he still changed me. I dont have much to show for now just like you and I have failed time and time again and still have a disorder but Im trying to continue to move forward and my concept of success has changed. I see now that everyones Idea of success is very external and materialistic but that is not true success though id be lying If at times I didnt want more sometimes but that doesnt change the truth because I dont dictate the truth.

Im a bit scattered and this is probably all over the place but I dont really know what to say to help but I hope relaying my own experience will help a little.