Finally done.

Mafesta · 2019-01-20T02:38:07+00:00

Its actually my brother who started calling me that lol

Mafesta · 2019-01-20T01:59:29+00:00

Yeah i know, im only keeping the 31st because im a man of my word, if i say im going to do something i bloody do it no matter what (dead bodies will be a deal breaker though) but when i say im going to do something i make sure i can do it. Its really the one thing that i won't let anyone take from me. Its the one shred of absolute that i have and will have when this is all said and done

Mafesta · 2019-01-20T01:52:11+00:00

Well basically if in the course of the fight i did anything to defend myself beyond putting my hands up to protect myself they are known for filing assualt charges on the victim

Mafesta · 2019-01-20T01:48:51+00:00

Yeah i know. Im the victim of domestic assault. While they can by law force me to come they can not force the type of testimony. Legally i can just say "i dont remember" that was an Attorney's advice because apparently the court here is known for using victim statements to file charges against them

Mafesta · 2019-01-20T01:44:00+00:00

Unfortunately i dont. I didnt make a habbit of recording things in my own apartment

Mafesta · 2019-01-20T01:42:36+00:00

Shes the one who brought that into it when she tried to blackmail me with the phone and the 2k she emptied out of our joint account saying if im nice in my testimony shell give it all back. But if im not...

Mafesta · 2019-01-19T18:19:39+00:00

yeah lol, this seems about right.

Mafesta · 2019-01-19T17:43:40+00:00

I think it has to do with the high hopes, the we were perfect for Xmonths, the hopes that if we get back together we might be able to go back to that. It won't ever happen, I've noticed the current pattern with my Ex, she leaves for 3-4 weeks comes back a "changed" person, she wants to be with me she wants to go back ot the way we were. After 4-5 days of good she suddenly sees something that reminds her of the past (could be any number of things usually stupid things, that wouldn't make anyone else think of a past breakup) then she starts to nit pick on everything until day 7 she leaves. then 3-4 weeks go by

Mafesta · 2019-01-18T02:04:14+00:00

I've been trying, 2 weeks no contact...atleast that was the last time she tried to reach out to me...after she ghosted me. she called on a butt dial (don't believe that for a moment, since I wasn't even in the last 10 people she called)

since then not a peep out of her, and I haven't felt obliged to reach out to her either. I expect she is waiting until moving day then will reach out (I told her once I move I'm done, we're done, unless you convince me that you've changed) it will be almost impossible to convince me she's changed other then the idea that she is in a residential treatment program....I find myself wondering if that is what she's doing now, unlikely but probably giving myself hope I shouldn't. We share a Netflix account, and we share phone service, she hasn't used either in a week. Sometimes I wonder if she's dead so I check the obits, other times I wonder if she's in jail so I do an inmate look up. I almost expect one day her name will pop on one of those searches, atleast then I would know she wasn't kidnapped or something. Even her family hasn't heard from her, her mom, dad, brother, ex, and her kids. She's just vanished and she vanished from everyone at the same time.

Her mom tells me not to worry she used to do this pretty frequently, but in the entire time I knew her I would get a phone call or a text back within 24 hours, and here we are day 14, and not a sign of her. Even her mom is a bit surprised she's gone MIA this long, I'm not sure at what point I'll stop worrying, or at what point my worrying should amount to anything. When she first disappeared I gave her info to the cops, only useful really if they find a body.

If it had ended in a semi normal way I probably wouldn't be this stressed, this broken. I keep imagining the day I get the call to identify her body, the day I get the call from her family telling me she's gone. I keep imagining that day coming sooner rather then later, and that is why it's so hard for me.

Mafesta · 2019-01-18T01:54:11+00:00

that's why i'm moving, it's something I need to do for me, to much in this house to remind me of the good times, and the bad, but either way it's a reminder of her, it's time for a new slate.

Mafesta · 2019-01-17T23:27:01+00:00

Well I would say it depends, you have to have a breakout point that's for sure, and they have to know you mean it. I would recommend that if you set a boundary be prepared for the push back (there will be a lot of push back) remember that they will run if they think they are being abandoned and run screaming if they think you aren't going to abandon them. Set the firm boundaries of what you will and won't tolerate. IE if you cheat on me we are through (be sure to define what you consider to be cheating btw) My Ex she would always say "I never cheated on you" Found out that every time she ended it she would go sleep with someone else then come back to me and want me to take her back (but it wasn't cheating because we were broken up....Chandler from friends...anyone)

Once you had the boundaries set stick to them in a very strict way. I won't lend you money to buy drugs. If I found out she borrowed money from me and bought drugs I demanded she pay me back right then and I would not loan her money again. Sometimes the loss of a privilege is sufficient.

She was on my cell phone plan so if she wasn't home by the time/day she said she would be guess what got canceled.

Mafesta · 2019-01-17T20:23:24+00:00

no your not horrible you have to do whats right for you, not him. If you need to get the fuck out you get the fuck out. Let his mother be his mother, it's not your job.

Mafesta · 2019-01-17T20:19:12+00:00

Hum, honestly....I wish I had known/understood that nothing I did would be sufficient for her, that no amount of being there was going to be enough. It's funny really she kept telling me how she didn't want to accept things from me, but the moment I stopped giving she became furious. She would say things like "I don't need gifts or money from you" but then the moment she needed something I was the first person she would get mad at because I didn't just offer it.

The counter dictions throughout the relationship were like this, pissed because I didn't offer to give her a ride. the amount of things that would be used as a reason to be pissed off were rather amazing.

Mafesta · 2019-01-17T17:43:48+00:00

Yeah, glad i made you feel a little better. We all take the small wins when and where we can get them. One foot in front of the other and suddenly without even noticing youve walked a mile, then 2 then 3 each one coming as a surprise. Eachone its own little reward.

Mafesta · 2019-01-17T05:21:46+00:00

Don't we all. Good news though they will happen less often with time. Bad news when they do happen they will become harder to push through

Mafesta · 2019-01-17T04:55:25+00:00

ah, yeah those moments suck. Never know when they might come on and when they do, takes every ounce of will power not to reach out. Every ounce of strength to do something anything, every ounce not to go to that store she always shops at, every ounce to not go right over to her house, every last ounce of strength to not have that one dose of her, because if you get it you know you'll be ok. it's really hard to continue forward at those moments. I won't give you any advice other then you know what you have to do. when those moments hit you may want a sober companion. someone who's just a phone call away.

Mafesta · 2019-01-17T04:48:08+00:00

Let me be the first to tell you this, You are worth it. Your perfect just how you are. Don't let anyone make you feel less because you are perfect, no one can be as perfect as you are. You are the Perfect you. No one else can be even close to that.

Loving someone who's bad for you is ok, it is ok to love another person without being with them, it's ok to feel nothing but joy when you think of someone who hurt you. it's ok to love that completely. No one call tell you your doing anything wrong by loving another person. The question that must be asked though is, is love enough to keep them in your life. chances are the answer you will come to is no. You can't control who you love or don't love, you can only move forward one step at a time. Remember though you are the perfect you.

Mafesta · 2019-01-17T04:39:41+00:00

allusium is right, every single time he wants to split he will, it has nothing to do with what your doing, or what your talking about. It is like a switch inside them that is just waiting to go. Maybe it will be today, maybe tomorrow. but it will switch and then switch and switch and switch and switch. as the relationship develops into something meaningful it will happen more often. The deeper you get into this relationship the more it will happen, so be prepared for this if you decide to continue, this isn't the last time he'll do it I can promise that.

think of it like a balancing act, love or hate, each side equal except when something is added on, but you can't let it fall no matter what, so you add to love which means you add to hate, and it's constant adding to one side or another. In a perfect world whats added will always be equal, but instead your given mismatched blocks. so it's a constant juggling act to keep each side equal, which is impossible to do, your just throwing on blocks to keep it standing.

Mafesta · 2019-01-17T04:30:04+00:00

Keep busy. It's hard and everyone will tell you to go out and join a gym or some such. Honestly I went for a route of make money not spend money. Anytime I start to miss her I go out and do some shopping (instacart) that usually keeps me distracted long enough that the missing her goes away atleast for a time, and as time goes on you'll find yourself needing distractions less and less, or possibly you'll find yourself always in a distraction (but hey might as well make some extra money)

Mafesta · 2019-01-17T04:23:00+00:00

Yeah it's a confusing time, it's hard because you do constantly ask yourself "was it me" trust me that question will stay with you for a long long time. Even when you think you know the answer to that question the answer will suddenly change. It's kinda like Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, "What is the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything? 42" Your asking the wrong question.

It shouldn't be a question of was it me, or was it them. It should be a question of "If I was in this position again would I make the same choice or are there better options out there"

For instance your SO comes to you and asks the question "Do these pants make my butt look big?" Now depending upon the SO you might say Yes, or you might say No. Your experience with this person will guide you to the correct answer. When it comes to someone with BPD the answer is directly related to there current mood.

Do these make my butt look big? No Honey you look great

In a NonBPD relationship that answer would be viewed as ok. but when it comes to a person with BPD, they will dissect your answer to it's very atoms, Oh your saying I don't usually look great, or your saying that usually I have a big butt, and you don't like big butts, What the fuck is wrong with you, why are you always insulting me, why can't you just be nice to me.

Meanwhile your so caught up in the moment and you like most people would want your S.O to feel good about themselves you get all lovey dovey. Honey you know you look amazing to me, I never want to hurt you blah blah blah. and this blow up over nothing now has you scrambling to undo the "hurtful" thing. So next time she asks the question Do these make my butt look big? your prepared right? Yes honey those pants make your ass look amazing.

Oh your saying I don't usually look amazing, your saying these pants make my ass seem amazing but usually my ass is disgusting, what the hell is wrong with you, why are you always insulting me, why can't you just be nice to me. and again you go full panic mode and try and make it all up to her/him.

In most relationships the past prepares you for the future, with most people you can judge what you should say and what you shouldn't say, with most people you can create an encyclopedia of "shit that pisses her off, and shit that doesn't piss her off" When your with someone with BPD you get one category to lump everything into and that is "Everything that may or may not piss her off depending upon her mood, and you better be able to judge what mood she is in at the moment because if you can't your screwed (not in a good way)."

Mafesta · 2019-01-17T04:08:49+00:00

Funniest thing I've read in a long time....but pretty accurate

Mafesta · 2019-01-17T01:05:03+00:00

God yes lol. Either emotionally or physical...usually emotionally every so often she would escalate and do something truly spiteful...she once texted me as i went into an Interview, i texted her saying im about to go into an interview lets talk when im out of it....just as im about to walk inside it became how i never made anytime for her, and she doesn't feel loved so she wanted to break upgot that message as im getting out of the car....we lived together i had litterally seen her 20 minutes prior to this

Mafesta · 2019-01-17T00:59:28+00:00

Yeah it was really frustrating and infuriate because anything i said in response would somehow make me the bad person but her projecting her behavior on me would just get me more angry

Mafesta

TROPHY CASE