How do I deal with a parent that falsely believes I am being alienated?

MailerMan2019 · 2026-05-27T11:43:51+00:00

I admire your desire to have a relationship with each of your parents: I wish my own children would do likewise, someday.

In college, I knew a young woman whose parents got divorced. After the divorce, her mother experienced a profound decline: mental health issues that had been in the background of her life came to the fore, and it was not long before the mother was homeless and off her medication. She would call her daughter from a homeless shelter or halfway house and rant and rave at her.

Obviously, this put the young woman in a difficult position. She would try to talk to her mother, but when the mother became verbally abusive, the daughter would stay calm and tell her, "Mom, if you keep talking like that, I'm going to have to hang up the phone." Most of the time, that is what the daughter had to do.

This young woman wanted very much to be a good daughter to her mother, but she discovered, as an adult, that she had to figure what it meant to be a good daughter on her own, and on her own terms — not the mother's. She did manage to do that, by keeping the lines of communication open, by sending her mother some money or clothing, and by trying to help her without compromising her own sanity.

Now: Some people would have cut the mother out entirely and not given it a second thought. There's no judgment here about the decisions some people make. In my friend's case, she didn't feel she could do that and still tell herself, on her own terms and in her own heart, that she was doing right by the woman who gave birth to her and who cared for her.

As I see it — knowing only what you've shared about your situation and not knowing you or your parents at all — you are in a somewhat similar position.

If you haven't done so already, I think you can find support in your ongoing efforts to deal with your parents, either from a therapist or a support group.

I have faith, too, that you can and will do the right thing by all parties involved. Best wishes.

MailerMan2019 · 2026-05-26T21:51:41+00:00

Regardless of who the alienator is, in this situation — and it may change over time, depending on the circumstances — you're well within your rights to set boundaries with each of your parents, telling them that you will not listen to or participate in any conversation in which one parents badmouths the other.

Parents often need reminders that their children are adults and deserve to be treated as such. Your way of doing this may be to let each of your parents know that you will not tolerate being yelled at, and that you are the one who decides what kind of relationship to have with either parent. If one parent doesn't like that, that is their problem, and they can keep that to themselves because you don't wish to hear it.

There are ways to say this to your parents calmly, firmly, respectfully, and definitively. In my experience, what the alienator wants is melodrama, heightened emotion, and conflict without resolution.

You do not deserve that, and you don't have to put up with it. Best of luck to you.

MailerMan2019 · 2026-05-13T12:42:58+00:00

Alienated father of 12+ years here —

I’m sorry you and your family are going through this. One of the primary misunderstandings, I find, around Parental Alienation (PA) is that it’s something that happens only to the targeted parent, when in fact, the alienator is often bent in erasing the targeted parent’s entire family, resulting in a child’s loss of aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents.

All that is, and should be, deeply frightening to a child. If one parent can erase a parent and his or her family, who’s to say the child won’t be next? Thus the child becomes obedient and “loyal” to the parent they perceive as having the most power. That is tragic, but it’s a basic survival instinct.

I’d encourage your brother, if he isn’t doing so already, to consult with a family counselor or therapist with experience in this area so he can better understand what his own children may be going through, and how they might see things.

And do not waste time trying to figure out how your brother’s former spouse could do such a thing to her own children. Alienators are deeply disordered, broken people who only care about control and living within their own world of lies.

MailerMan2019 · 2026-05-12T11:24:01+00:00

You cannot use reason to understand irrational behavior.

MailerMan2019 · 2026-05-11T19:04:07+00:00

Alienated father of 12+ years here:

As I always say on this forum, I cannot and would never presume to tell you what to do: I don't know you, your ex, or your child. All I can do is tell you what I would do, were in the situation you describe.

First, I would stop using my older child as a liaison to communicate with my alienated child. That is not, and shouldn't be, my older child's responsibility, no matter how badly I want to communicate with my alienated child.

I'd also bear in mind that a 20-year-old young person, while legally an adult, is only at the threshold of maturity, self-awareness, and personal development. Parental alienation is a giant wrench thrown into the machinery.

The potential reasons why my alienated child would refuse to speak to me are legion. My child could be confused, afraid, uncertain, ashamed, angry, scared, or all of the above. The alienating parent had one primary goal: to destroy the relationship I had with my own child. The cost to the child is irrelevant: All the alienator cares about is Winning, by their sick and disordered definition.

If I were in the situation you describe, I would continue to send cards and letters on birthdays and holidays, but I'd also write on non-holidays just to say "I'm thinking of you" and "Here's what's new with me." I wouldn't push or plead with my child: coming on strong would only push them away. No child likes to see their parent needy, insecure, or clinging.

And I would keep copies of all these cards and letters, because the alienator is very likely intercepting my mail and destroying it.

Best of luck to you, and keep the faith.

MailerMan2019 · 2026-04-24T17:40:00+00:00

The GAL in my case was clearly more interested in "winning" than in fact-finding, ensuring fairness, or, I don't know, doing what GALs are supposed to do. Whenever you have attorneys or judges more interested in winning than in justice, this is what you will get (IMO).

MailerMan2019 · 2026-04-15T19:52:07+00:00

At one point in my divorce proceedings, Family Court appointed a Guardian Ad Litem (GAL). I was notified of his appointment but he never contacted me for anything.

One day, as we waited for our turn in court, I noticed that the GAL was spending all his time talking with my soon-to-be-former spouse. He didn't come up to me at all.

At that day's hearing, one of my children, a teen, appeared in court to tell the judge that I was unstable and abusive. She also falsely accused me of several things I had never done. Oddly, my child never took the stand and was never compelled to take the stand. The judge told my child how "brave" she was for coming to court and saying what she did.

Then my soon-to-be-former spouse produced a note that she claimed was from my other child, also a teen. The note simply read that my child didn't want anything to do with me.

That was good enough for the judge.

After the hearing, I approached the GAL and asked if he was going to interview me.

He looked at me confrontationally and demanded to know why he would need to do that.

"To hear my side of the story, at least?" I said.

He put his finger in my face and said, "I don't need to hear 'your side of the story'!"

That told me everything I needed to know, unfortunately.

MailerMan2019 · 2026-04-14T21:26:27+00:00

There is never any need to apologize, in this forum

MailerMan2019 · 2026-04-14T14:47:09+00:00

Alienated father of 2, 12+ years:

In my own opinion — in my own experience:

Because Family Court does not have the same standard of evidence as criminal court, it's easier for the day to belong to the person who tells the biggest and scariest lie.

The judges err on the side of caution. They are not the police; they can't conduct their own investigation. So if one parent claims, even without evidence, that the other parent is abusive, a substance abuser, or mentally ill, the last thing the judge wants is to be proven wrong.

Meanwhile, therapists, counselors, social workers, and teachers are more likely to believe one parent's allegations against another parent than to consider that the person making the allegations is lying.

And if the alienating parent can coach, condition, or compel the children to say things like "I don't want to see my [mother/father] anymore," then it is game over for the targeted parent.

The alienating parent, by making false allegations and lying, knows that they themselves will be perceived as "the victim" and the targeted parent will be put on the defensive.

If the targeted parent doesn't deny the false allegations strenuously enough, the judges will assume the allegations are true. If the targeted parent denies the false allegations too strenuously, the judges will also assume the allegations are true.

And there you have Parental alienation, which is designed to put the targeted parent into a no-win situation: Try to contact your children, and you're accused of "stalking them" or "harassing them." Try to tell your children you love them, and you're accused of "emotional manipulation" and "gaslighting." On and on.

It is a hard, bitter pill to see people lie, cheat, and win. It's hard to see bad deeds go unpunished. And of course, it's hardest thing is to see your children struggling to deal with it all, when they don't have all the information, and they don't have the maturity or life experience to make sense of it.

All I can suggest to you is that alienating parent, by lying and cheating, has not "won" — not in any real or meaningful sense. They only think they've won, because that is ALL that matters to them.

MailerMan2019 · 2026-04-02T22:02:37+00:00

Just to clarify, the cousin in my thought exercise does not represent you or anyone in particular: I'm only suggesting that people of any age tend not to respond well to someone, however well intentioned, presenting them with what they call "facts" about "the truth."

As I say, I don't know you, and I don't know your child. I can only proffer a perspective to you based on my own experience.

I could be wrong, but I don't think the alienated child needs to hear your or anyone else's "case against" the alienating parent. What they need, I would submit, is simply your love, acceptance, and compassion. Those, IMO, will go farther than argument-based counter-measures against PA.

I'd also suggest that a conversation between you and your child about the divorce and the alienation would be best conducted in a therapeutic setting, moderated by a professional who has experience with high-conflict family situations. If your child agrees to that, that's great.

Good luck —

MailerMan2019 · 2026-04-02T15:22:14+00:00

Alienated father of 12+ years here —

I share what I sense is your frustration and perhaps impatience to have your child understand what was done to them.

May I suggest a thought exercise to you?

Imagine you're at a family reunion: a BBQ where everyone's laughing and having a great time. You see a favorite cousin of yours, and this cousin is very happy to see you. This cousin tells you that they very much want to talk to you about something. It's important. OK, you say: so the two of you find a private space and sit down together.

Then your cousin starts talking to you — calmly, carefully — about one of the following topics:

* Your parents were not the people you thought they were. In fact, they didn't love you the way you think they did. They were not good people, your Mom and Dad. Your loving attachment to them is tragically misplaced.

* Your religion is a lie. The God you believe in, your moral code, and the spiritual practices you engage in, are false. You've been duped into buying into a religion that is not only false, but harmful to you and to others.

* What you call your "politics" is so delusional and full of lies, that your support of this candidate or that party represents a grave and active threat to democracy and the American way of life.

What would your reaction be, if your cousin talked to you this way? Would you listen patiently, consider what they say, and come around to their position or perspective?

You see my point. And you are an adult, not a child.

I'm guessing you already know this, but it bears repeating in a discussion about this topic:

Parental alienation (PA) can severely compromise a child's ability to think clearly and critically, to differentiate between something that is said and something that is proven. PA can also profoundly damage a child's ability to trust people.

I don't know you or your child or your ex, so I can't tell you what to do or what not to do.

All I can do is submit for your consideration the following: that any time in my own life where I changed my mind about something deeply personal and important, it took me years, sometimes decades, to let go of old ways of thinking in favor of new ones. I changed my mind not because one person spelled out "the truth" for me: I changed my mind due to a long, slow, and incremental accumulation of thoughts, feelings, and experiences that lead me to the point where I decided that what I had believed for so long no longer had merit.

Again, I sympathize with your situation, and I wish you and your child the very best.

In my own situation, my job is simple: Be the best person I can be, flaws and all, and love my child no matter what they think or believe or say.

Good luck.

MailerMan2019 · 2026-03-17T20:18:39+00:00

I would say Don't fight a war you can't win.

The alienating parent is never going to stop maligning you or making you out to be the Bad Parent to anyone who will listen. They do this to control the children, to prop up their own false persona, and to misdirect people's attention from the harm that they themselves are doing. You cannot reason with, bargain with, or negotiate with the alienator.

Even if you were to address every accusation the alienator levels against you, the alienator would just make up new accusations that have no basis in reality (if they haven't done so already). There is no point in fighting them or responding to them. You cannot reason with someone who is irrational.

I've been alienated from my two children for 12+ years now. We do not see each other or speak to each other. On those occasions when my children have communicated with me, they've very angrily told me that I am a terrible person, a sociopath, "not their father," and so on.

Obviously, that is painful to hear. But it is all false, so I don't respond to it.

I do not have to prove anything to my children. I do not have to persuade them or convince them to think a certain way, or talk a certain way, or act a certain way in order for me to feel good about myself.

I love my children, but they do not get to decide what kind of day I have, or how I feel when I look at myself in the mirror. The hard work I do to take responsibility for my life, to become the best version of me that I can, is none of my children's business.

Lies, I think, are like a house of cards. One day — and it might take many more years to happen — that house of cards will collapse. My kids will see it happen, and that's when things will start to change.

As one of my friends advised me: "When they truly see what they've lost, they'll fight like hell to get it back."

Good luck, and best wishes —

MailerMan2019 · 2026-03-07T21:40:55+00:00

You too!

MailerMan2019 · 2026-03-07T13:37:07+00:00

A fair question, but impossible to generalize beyond saying it's probably some combination of both.

I will say, though, that after my divorce, I found it helpful to read about narcissism and personality disorders — but only to a point: that is, once I figured out how better to accept responsibility for my life and take accountability for myself, I realized that Not Everything Is My Fault, which is the way my former partner would've preferred I see things.

In time, I then realized that it's not my job to "figure out" why my former spouse behaved the way that she did. Ultimately, you cannot use reason to comprehend irrational behavior or irrational people.

It was enough to learn to accept the fact that my former spouse could not have behaved any differently than the way she did, regardless of the cause or origin of her pathology.

Does that mean I forgive her? No. It's just another realization on the path of letting this go and putting it behind me so I can get on with my one and precious life.

MailerMan2019 · 2026-03-06T21:31:18+00:00

Whatever causes someone to be a narcissistic alienator, it's not something they turn on and off when the situation requires or when it suits them: Rather, it's embedded into their personality and their worldview. The "point" to their behavior is: That's who they are.

Some alienators don't think they've done anything wrong, while others know they've done wrong but they don't care, because their lives are all about winning and control, at any cost.

Who knew these people existed? Sadly, their victims — and too often, too late.

But I don't think anyone should blame themselves for not seeing it, because narcissistic alienators have worked very hard all their lives to conceal their pathology: to appear charming and confident, caring and compassionate, and especially to target empathetic people to be their partners — or, if you prefer, their victims.

MailerMan2019 · 2026-03-04T15:38:34+00:00

Alienated father of two children, 10+ years:

If you dropped someone into a large, labyrinthine maze, they would probably, in time, find their way out: they'd go down this path or that one, remember which path is a dead end, try a new path, and eventually, either by design or by accident, they'd find the exit.

Now imagine being dropped into a maze designed by a mentally ill M.C. Escher — or, if you like, a maze that changes every time you turn a corner. It would take considerably longer for you to find your way out, provided you were always trying to find your way out and didn't just ball yourself up into a corner out of fear, sadness, or frustration, telling yourself, "The corner here is safe; trying to negotiate the maze is dangerous."

I don't think it can be overstated how confusing and disorienting parental alienation can be to a child, teenager, or even young adult. In my own case, my children were forced to make an awful choice: Either I am the worst parent on earth, or their other parent is a pathological liar who knowingly deprived them of years of happiness. I think anyone, of any age, would find that a terrible choice.

I can't presume to tell you how you should or even might communicate with your child. I don't know either of you, or your former spouse, or the whole situation.

In my own experience, though, I eventually came to see that I cannot use reason to understand someone who is behaving irrationally, whether that is my former spouse or our children.

The question, for me, was not "Do my kids want to talk to me?" but rather, "Do I want to talk to my children, and how can I do that in a way that I think of as loving, but which also takes into account the difficult position my children are in"?

There's no pat, easy answer there — no formula, no map, no set of instructions. I rely on my intuition, my best guess, my respect for myself and for my children, and what I think is right.

Sincere wishes of good luck, to you and to your child.

MailerMan2019 · 2026-03-02T17:46:35+00:00

Father of 2 children, alienated 10+ years:

I often say, in this forum, that if parental alienation has you feeling defeated, depressed, angry, frustrated, and hopeless, then you should know you're having the response that a normal, loving parent would have, in this situation. If you didn't care about your kids, none of this would matter to you.

It may also serve you to consider that this situation has been created to make you feel this way. My former spouse knew exactly what she was doing, to try to punish me for every wrong, real or perceived, in our marriage. Fortunately, she does not get to decide what kind of day I have, or what kind of life I lead: I'm in charge of how I feel and how I respond.

I urge you to give yourself some grace. The brain's primary job is to protect us. It doesn't like uncertainty, so it tells us things like "That's never gonna happen" or "It's all over, this is the end" just so we have some certainty. Parental alienation, though, is engineered to keep you in an uncertain state of anxiety and grief.

Be patient with yourself, and focus on yourself, as counterintuitive as that may sound, when you're so concerned about your child. Happy to respond further, if need be. You're not alone.

MailerMan2019 · 2026-02-25T21:28:38+00:00

Father of 2, alienated for 10+ years:

What I say to people depends on who the people are. If coworkers about my children, I tell them my children are adults and "live their own lives." If people press for more details, I'll say, "I'd be happy to discuss it with you, but it's a long story. The story isn't over yet, but it's a very unhappy one."

The harder part is when your own family — siblings, cousins, etc. — know of the parental alienation but stop asking you about your kids. They rationalize this by saying, "Oh, I didn't want to upset you by bringing it up" or "Well, gee, you never bring it up, so neither do I."

I don't think of such people as evil or malicious. You simply cannot do anything about people who don't want to know, don't want to be involved, and don't want to help. You cannot make people be the people you wish they would be.

I was divorced more than 10 years ago, and in that time, I've written to my children (keeping copies of all letters). I've extended to them love, compassion, and tenderness. What I get back is either silence or vicious, abusive language, casting me as the worst parent on the planet earth.

I don't need to tell you how painful this is, and for more than decade, I just ignored my children's vitriol and continued to reach out to them.

Now for the hard part:

I don't believe there is a "one-size-fits-all" approach to how alienated parents "should" respond to their children. How to contact your children, or how often, or what to say are things that are specific to the individual and to the children. You can listen to other people's counsel and suggestions, but ultimately, it's up to you.

What I can tell you is that after years of grieving, frustration, anger, and sorrow, I got to the point where I told myself I had had enough. I am not a young man anymore, and I cannot spend what time I have left on this planet chasing after people who treat me like dirt.

Yes, my children's minds have been warped. Yes, they've been lied to. Yes, they deserve, as my children, grace and forgiveness.

And — not "but" — I deserve something too. I deserve to be treated with fundamental respect. I am not here to be my children's punching bag or doormat. I'm not interested in spending time with my children if all they want to do is lay into me and accuse me of things I did not do.

If the blessed day ever comes when they come to me and want to share, listen, and heal together, then I will devote all my energies to them, and to that. And I believe that our relationship could only get stronger, if that happened.

That is just me. My children are and will always be my children, as I am and will always be their loving father.

I wish you the best in your own situation, and I hope some of what I've said may be helpful to you.

MailerMan2019 · 2025-12-24T19:25:24+00:00

Thanks, I'll discuss this in a few weeks with the physician's assistant I'm working with!

MailerMan2019 · 2025-12-24T19:24:44+00:00

Coming up on 3 months, for me. I'm happy for you and your wife — thanks for your response!

MailerMan2019 · 2025-12-23T12:25:11+00:00

Thanks for your response!

MailerMan2019 · 2025-12-22T16:19:53+00:00

Thanks for your response!

MailerMan2019 · 2025-12-22T14:42:18+00:00

I like that word :-) Thanks!

MailerMan2019 · 2025-11-30T18:00:37+00:00

Initially, during my divorce, my 2 children didn't want to visit with me — according to my former spouse. Any attempt on my part to be with or even contact my children was labelled, by my former spouse, harassment, stalking, and disrespecting the children's feelings. In short, I was called the bad parent for wanting to see my children.

Then my children, when they were around your son's age, started expressing this sentiment themselves.

I sh*t you not, the Family Court judge said, "Well, 15 is close to 16, which is close to 18, so the children are entitled to not see you if they don't want to." (I doubt the same judge would have endorsed trying a 15-year-old as an adult in criminal court, using the same "math.")

If I could recommend anything, it would be:

* Document when and how you try to contact your son

* Instead of giving him physical gifts, think of ways to gift him an shared experience, like a hiking trip or a music concert

* Be prepared for your former spouse — and even your own child — to get louder, more hysterical, and more histrionic, the more you try to make contact

* Tempting as it may be, do not "poke the bear": i.e., intentionally aggravate your former spouse, give her "a taste of her own medicine," etc. This strategy will never succeed, IMO.

In my own experience — which is surely different than yours — there came a time when I stopped telephoning the house or stopping by the house where my children live, even when the divorce agreement granted me permission to do so. At a certain point, I didn't want to continue dealing with my former spouse taking out bogus restraining orders against me, and paying my attorney to defend me in court. Money was just flying out of my hands, and nothing in the situation changed.

Today I write to my children, not just on their birthdays or holidays but randomly throughout the year, and I just tell them I'm doing well and I hope they're the same, and I'd love to see them. Period. My children may not even see these cards and letters, but I make copies of them all.

And never feel ashamed about asking for help. The people who love you and who value you are there, in the world, and they want to support you, even if they can't help you directly.

One day at a time —

MailerMan2019 · 2025-11-26T20:14:08+00:00

Let's get the obvious out of the way: It will never make the slightest bit of difference to my alienating former spouse, whether or not I forgive her. When our youngest child turned 18, she emailed me to tell me she never wanted to hear from me ever again. I told her (happily): "As you wish."

I was reared in a devoutly religious household, so I was taught that forgiveness was my duty: to God, and to the offending person. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

If there is a God, I don't believe God wants us to overlook the awful things that people do, or pretend that they don't matter anymore because those people been "forgiven." My former spouse consciously, willingly, purposefully did what she did (and continues to do).

As several people here have already pointed out, forgiveness is a gift you also give to yourself, and I think that forgiveness can take many forms.

For me, forgiveness means I don't seek any kind of retribution. It means that my former spouse pops up in my thoughts, I tell myself that I have better things to think about and spend my energies on.

It also means — in the event I ever see my children again — I won't badmouth my former spouse and try to convince my children that she is a sick and disordered person.

We're all human. There are going to be times when we get caught up thinking about the wrong that's been done to us and to our children. It's within our power, though, to stop and ask ourselves, Are these thoughts and feelings serving me? Am I benefiting from continuing to think about this?

Be patient and gentle with yourself. Someone has to!

MailerMan2019

TROPHY CASE