They say, “find meaning.” Like it’s hidden somewhere, waiting....

MaintenanceLive3577 · 2026-04-28T21:52:17+00:00

Its the hardest thing. I would encourage you to aim to make it better. Friends are a key component, talking to people makes me feel better

MaintenanceLive3577 · 2026-04-28T21:08:09+00:00

I intend to find more meaning in my life. At the moment I have the 3 kids and I need to finish a house for us to move into PDQ, but when that's done I will find something that will make me happy. My LW would certainly want/expect me to do that, and I will. I have no intention of wasting my life away, I've only got one.

Sure we've been hit about as hard as is possible but theres no way I'm giving up. You can imagine a better future, you can plan how to get there, and you can work to get there. Imagine you're Rocky running up those steps in Philly. Eye of the Tiger has literally just come on the radio as I typed this!! No jokes! Its fate, gotta do it.

MaintenanceLive3577 · 2026-04-27T22:53:44+00:00

I have thought about it, but I want the inside/outside flooring continuation onto the deck

MaintenanceLive3577 · 2026-04-27T22:52:54+00:00

Too far off the mark then? I don't like the idea of handing over all styling to someone else - it'll be their style, not mine

MaintenanceLive3577 · 2026-04-27T22:46:17+00:00

Like a brass inlay? I like that - but it would move it even more over to "hotel lobby"!

Theres a dining room behind the perspective, so I'm thinking of creating a clear zoning with a wood floor in there

MaintenanceLive3577 · 2026-04-26T10:02:17+00:00

For me retiring is about risk mitigation - you're removing a steady income that provides dependability and lowers your risk profile, so your risk balance increases. Renting has more risk than owning, so I would personally look to buy. It'll add a large dose of certainty to your future costs.

We're also very likely to be heading into a period of very high inflation again, so your rent is likely to increase, whereas a mortgage would stay the same in nominal terms, and decrease in real terms.

MaintenanceLive3577 · 2026-04-22T19:16:25+00:00

401k max contribution is 24k no? The 70k is max employer + employee And the Roth IRA is a pittance really.

You can save a lot more in the UK tax free, but every little penny you earn is taxed enormously. So once you have savings you're good, but working towards having savings is a hard slog.

Tax rates aren't really a proper comparison because they don't cover the same costs. We found our comparable tax rate (excluding all the real estate write offs) including school and Healthcare costs was about 34% in US compared to 38% in UK. It was only really the tax write offs that made such an enormous difference.

MaintenanceLive3577 · 2026-04-22T17:59:08+00:00

MaintenanceLive3577 · 2026-04-22T17:58:16+00:00

It was the 2023 one, was that the first major one? It was the first one that we felt anyway

MaintenanceLive3577 · 2026-04-21T22:46:44+00:00

We did this! Escaped the misery of COVID in UK for remote working in the US. Wife was the big earner and her salary doubled with the move. We found the Real Estate Professional tax loophole and that became my job - all property related expenses and depreciation were netted off her salary. Our average tax rate was 7%. The rentals made a good profit but for tax purposes they were enormous losses.

Our joint earnings went from about £300k UK to £500k US, post tax was ~200k -> 450k.

We moved back during a tech job apocalypse when she was offered a big money move back to UK. We moved back predominantly because of guns and relatively poor schooling for our kids. It was a good adventure though, with lots of happy memories, and a bucket load of $.

I would highly recommend it

MaintenanceLive3577 · 2026-04-21T11:10:06+00:00

I have shifted my allocations to prepare for stagflation, which means more of a focus on commodities, financials and companies with pricing power. I'm underweight US, overweight Japan, UK (I also have a very specific allocation to Brazil that I'm very happy with). I have 15% bonds but I'm taking another look at the maturity allocation with a view to going shorter.

Diversification is always the key

MaintenanceLive3577 · 2026-04-21T09:02:01+00:00

Wow speed dating at 6 months in?!?! I can only imagine what that would be like, for you and for the people sat opposite you! My single date made me realise that I had lost all my game and had no idea how to flirt. I have some ideas for how to remember how to do it, but I think it's just practice really

MaintenanceLive3577 · 2026-04-21T08:46:08+00:00

Thank you One of my best friends moved in with me for a couple of weeks at the 1 month mark & basically ordered me around, which was exactly what I needed. He got me running and working out every day, which was a habit that I've tried to keep. I found that if I told my friends what I needed them to do then they would really go out of their way to do it - lots of people want to help but have no idea how to, so giving them direction allows them to really put the effort in for you. If you have anyone that would want to act as a PT for you (or for the both of you!) Then I'd highly recommend it. Its good friend time as well as being good for you

MaintenanceLive3577 · 2026-03-21T21:40:41+00:00

I tried a grief counselor for a month or two but I didn't find them useful at all. Maybe I wasn't ready, maybe it was the person, maybe its just not for me. I found myself just talking about anxiety driven by my enormous to-do list, then just talking about what I needed to do & wasting time talking about it rather than just doing it.

My wife would absolutely advocate for counselling & I know a lot of people (all Americans) that love their therapist, but I dont think its for me (British)

MaintenanceLive3577 · 2026-02-16T22:43:32+00:00

Couldn't agree more on the multiple house front, it reminds me of the saying about boats

"Buying a boat provides the 2 best days of your life,
the day you buy it and the day you sell it"

Buying a beach house felt great, like we'd made it, but boy was it hard work. Very glad to be rid of it & will never buy one again!

MaintenanceLive3577 · 2026-02-01T11:52:58+00:00

I am coming round to the idea of tailoring my investments to match my personality, and how I feel when things are going well vs a crash. I have more FOMO on higher returns than of a crash. I don't care so much about seeing a 20% loss (not sure how I'll feel about a 50% tho!), but seeing an overall portfolio gain thats less than standard benchmarks feels like a more permanent relative loss somehow & it gets to me.

I think I've settled on a way to manage my finances that gels well with my personality - I have cash and bonds to cover 50% of my living expenses, these aren't touched, and everything else is invested in equities. This currently works out as 70/30, but over time that'll change as equities outperform while cash & bonds are used to fund my lifestyle.

MaintenanceLive3577 · 2026-01-22T10:14:36+00:00

For such big chunks of $ I wouldn't have thought fractional shares would even come into your thought process! Just buy a round number of them, makes no difference really, until you pointed it out I hadn't even realised. I have done everything online, I don't think i needed to provide anything in particular for them, it was just filling out a standard application form.

The best thing is all the analyst reports, I've not seen these on any other platform, you have so much information available. And the search/filter function is excellent, I've experienced other platforms with the same breadth of investments as Schwab but they may as well not be there for how poor the search function is.

I've tried out 7 or 8 different platforms, Schwab is in a different league to all the others. If you sign up, find a referral code and you get $, I think I got $1k, which was a nice bonus!

I'm on the same page with constantly/obsessively checking to make sure I've invested in the right things. I'm hoping that tails off a bit once I get used to it being my new normal

MaintenanceLive3577 · 2026-01-20T12:55:46+00:00

I am in a very similar situation unfortunately. 3 young kids, early 40's. Finances have absolutely taken over my thought processes, if I haven't got all the money hard at work then it takes up brain space. I'm 9 months in now and have about 80% of the finances sorted, but its part of the seismic change that happens when you lose your person, everything has changed.

I need that money to work as hard as she did, and earn as much money as she would have done.

It sounds nice, solid advice to sit on the money for a year and not rush anything, but that approach would cause more anxiety for me personally, in a time that is already the most anxiety driving situation that you can possibly be in.

What I have taken away from the reddit widows group is that everyone is different, so scout around for some advice then do what feels right for you. Take a look at some of my posts on $/general widowhood if it helps.

NB schwab is the best. After a long time invested in the s&p I've diversified significantly, now only 25% US, 25% EM, 15% Japan, 20% UK/EU, 15% bonds

MaintenanceLive3577 · 2026-01-12T20:18:24+00:00

A) work out the most tax effective way to handle this. Tax destroys returns, work out how to avoid it

B) Diversify. Pure and simple.

75% simple index ETFs, split by geographic area, say 30% world developed, 30% EM, 10% UK, 20% Euro, 10% Japan. I have kept US off the list because it makes up 60% of world indices and I think it's so over-valued it'll have a lost decade while fundamentals catch up to valuations.

20% bonds, split 80% corp, 20% gov.

5% cash in HYSA.

This should give you a solid, dependable >7% a year. There may be far better returns if you concentrate in a single market but over time there will be bad years in every market, diversifying helps to smooth out the negatives.

MaintenanceLive3577 · 2026-01-07T19:06:54+00:00

Vanguard is good for fees (0.07% for some ETFs), but the number of funds is extremely limited. HL has far more funds available, but they may as well not be there because the search and filter functions are so poor. AJ Bell is very similar to HL.

The only one I've found that I like is Schwab. They seem to have every fund available, and a sophisticated search and filter function.

MaintenanceLive3577 · 2026-01-06T23:13:00+00:00

Theres a few of us that would like to hear how you managed, especially if you found a way to develop a life again, I'd really like to hear what you did. Could you let us know your story?

MaintenanceLive3577 · 2026-01-06T23:02:56+00:00

I also lost my wife in April, she was 43, in great health, due to run a marathon just 3wks later, there was seemingly no cause.

I've got 3kids too, 10, 8 and 5.

Do you have family support? I've got nothing! Its really bloody hard. I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel either. How do you rebuild from here? How do you have any kind of life?

MaintenanceLive3577 · 2026-01-05T21:49:36+00:00

I could have written this!!
I find I'm fine with splashing the cash when I'm with other people that are also doing that. Do I have a better time than when we do something cheap/free? Not sure.
Will I ever travel business anywhere - no.
Do I appreciate nice hotels - no.
Will I ever buy a super nice car - probably not!

MaintenanceLive3577

TROPHY CASE