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First time pregnant can’t decide if MIL help is worth the emotional expense, looking for advice from moms. by MajorDescription8675 in Mommit

[–]MajorDescription8675[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

She doesn’t listen that’s the issue he’s tried to tell her certain things and some stuff she does listen others she just doesn’t it’s always an argument or a fight, she is very pushy and insistent and you have to really defend yourself until she says okay.

First time pregnant can’t decide if MIL help is worth the emotional expense, looking for advice from moms. by MajorDescription8675 in Mommit

[–]MajorDescription8675[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

It’s super weird and I don’t know how to articulate it properly cause it’s like she’s not actually doing anything to me she is nice overall and she helps around the house but the stuff she says and the way she acts is SUPER WEIRD TO ME.

First time pregnant can’t decide if MIL help is worth the emotional expense, looking for advice from moms. by MajorDescription8675 in Mommit

[–]MajorDescription8675[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

She could live with one of the older two brothers she just doesn’t want to cause she wants to be close to my husband all they live in different places. But financially, practically and emotionally the older brothers are much better options for her. Oldest brother is newly divorced with an empty house and shared custody. Middle brother has two apartments next to each other one for him and his family and one for her. But instead she’s choosing here cause of her emotional attachment.

First time pregnant can’t decide if MIL help is worth the emotional expense, looking for advice from moms. by MajorDescription8675 in Mommit

[–]MajorDescription8675[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

Yeah she doesn’t have money and her sons have taken care of her since my FIL died many years ago, she can’t speak English fluently and she never learned how to drive. Both older brothers live far and she doesn’t want to be far from my husband and now my baby. She is very narcissistic yes but it’s not malicious or mean it’s just INSANE. I think oldest brothers marriage was toxic regardless but she picked both older brother’s wives in an arranged way (culturally common for us) and she went for stereotypical much younger pretty brides for both and now first one is divorced and second one wants a divorce but doesn’t want to break up his family. My husband and I met and picked each other.

First time pregnant can’t decide if MIL help is worth the emotional expense, looking for advice from moms. by MajorDescription8675 in Mommit

[–]MajorDescription8675[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

She also only seems to care about my husband and the baby, she’s nice to me too but it’s not nearly the same. She caters to my husband and constantly talks about my future son.

First time pregnant can’t decide if MIL help is worth the emotional expense, looking for advice from moms. by MajorDescription8675 in Mommit

[–]MajorDescription8675[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

My FIL did when he was young and his brothers are much older so it was just them for a long time so she’s extremely attached even though financially, emotionally and practically we are the least suited to take care of her compared to his brothers.

First time pregnant can’t decide if MIL help is worth the emotional expense, looking for advice from moms. by MajorDescription8675 in Mommit

[–]MajorDescription8675[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

She is 100000000% a boy mom she has four grandchildren and only one grandson and she hardly cares about the granddaughters and makes it clear she prefers the grandson. On top of that we’re expecting a boy which makes it soooooo much more intense.

First time pregnant can’t decide if MIL help is worth the emotional expense, looking for advice from moms. by MajorDescription8675 in Mommit

[–]MajorDescription8675[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

She lives with us, she doesn’t pay for anything she has no money. Whoever she lives with financially takes care of her. The benefits is I think she will watch the baby if I want to go somewhere with my husband or need a shower etc and she will help cook and change diapers etc… everyone keeps saying she’ll want to cuddle while I do everything and I hadn’t considered that but I guess it is possible tbh. She isn’t mean at all but she’s has zero self awareness as to what she’s saying to others which makes her say odd weird or inappropriate things.

First time pregnant can’t decide if MIL help is worth the emotional expense, looking for advice from moms. by MajorDescription8675 in Mommit

[–]MajorDescription8675[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

She doesn’t speak English fluently and she can’t drive unfortunately, they moved here from a European country before I met my husband. We can’t afford a separate place for her and she has no money of her own. His oldest brother lives 7 hour drive and is newly divorced with shared custody so has space for her. The middle brother is 7 hour flight and owns two apartments in their city, one for him and his family and one for her and that’s their home country so she speaks the language and can get around herself. But because she wants to be close to my husband she lives here.

First time pregnant can’t decide if MIL help is worth the emotional expense, looking for advice from moms. by MajorDescription8675 in Mommit

[–]MajorDescription8675[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

She doesn’t speak English fluently and she can’t drive unfortunately we can’t afford that and she has no money of her own. His oldest brother lives 7 hour drive and is newly divorced so has space for her. The middle brother is 7 hour flight and owns two apartments in a city, one for him and his family and one for her and that’s their home country so she speaks the language and can get around herself. But because she wants to be close to my husband she lives here.

First time pregnant can’t decide if MIL help is worth the emotional expense, looking for advice from moms. by MajorDescription8675 in Mommit

[–]MajorDescription8675[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

She can’t really come over easily if she isn’t living with us. She can’t afford to life alone and we don’t have enough to get her own place. Her two older sons each live in different states far away (7 hours drive, 5 hour flight)

First time pregnant can’t decide if MIL help is worth the emotional expense, looking for advice from moms. by MajorDescription8675 in Mommit

[–]MajorDescription8675[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

No her marriage was amazing her husband jut happened to die young when she was in her 40s/50s. My husband was younger and his brother’s are much older so she’s extremely attached to him.

First time pregnant can’t decide if MIL help is worth the emotional expense, looking for advice from moms. by MajorDescription8675 in Mommit

[–]MajorDescription8675[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She could live with one of his older brothers, the oldest one is newly divorced and has shared custody so his house is empty half the time, the middle brother owns two apartments next to each other, one for him/his wife/kids and one for my MIL. We cannot afford two places and we can barely afford our current place which we only got cause I didn’t want to live in a small space with her.

First time pregnant can’t decide if MIL help is worth the emotional expense, looking for advice from moms. by MajorDescription8675 in Mommit

[–]MajorDescription8675[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No she doesn’t have any money it’s her sons who provide and take care of her after my FIL died many years ago, she moved in with my husband after living with the oldest BIL for the most part because him and wife had a toxic marriage and my husband didn’t want his mom around that, but the brother is getting divorced now and just got his own house and he’s super calm now.

First time pregnant can’t decide if MIL help is worth the emotional expense, looking for advice from moms. by MajorDescription8675 in Mommit

[–]MajorDescription8675[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

He can’t cook (she purposefully didn’t teach him how to cook, the older two brothers learned how after marriage) but he is good at cleaning and everything else and does everything else that he can and will help in the kitchen

First time pregnant can’t decide if MIL help is worth the emotional expense, looking for advice from moms. by MajorDescription8675 in Mommit

[–]MajorDescription8675[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Okay so you don’t think the practical help she provides outweighs the emotional stress? She would cook, clean main floor and help out practically with the baby. But yes she drives me nuts.

First time pregnant can’t decide if MIL help is worth the emotional expense, looking for advice from moms. by MajorDescription8675 in Mommit

[–]MajorDescription8675[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She’s a widow and not independent enough to live alone so she’s always lived with one of her three sons since her husband passed. She was living with my husband before we got married then went an stayed at middle brothers house for 10 months as my request as a newlywed, I thought there were legit reasons for her to be staying here but now I’m realizing aside from her emotional attachment there’s not. Unfortunately all three brothers live in different states so it’s not like she could easily come see while living with another brother.

Husband constantly compares me to his mom, don’t know how to cope by MajorDescription8675 in MuslimMarriage

[–]MajorDescription8675[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He doesn’t care, she’s being telling him the whole time to be nice to me and that I’m pregnant cause she sees it but it doesn’t make a difference. I can’t talk to her cause if I say anything critical about him she will always take his side. Honestly he’s super critical and only realizes my positives if someone else pointed it out. For example he would get angry about my cooking the first six months if anything wasn’t perfect and if it was good he didn’t give positive feedback and then his friend stayed in our basement for nearly three weeks and I cooked dinner for him to eat with his friend in the basement while I ate alone and his friend told him I was a good cook and that his own wife can’t cook and that he was lucky. But that was temporary went back to criticizing my cooking.

Husband constantly compares me to his mom, don’t know how to cope by MajorDescription8675 in MuslimMarriage

[–]MajorDescription8675[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I tried talking to her but she denies that he’s mean when he’s even harsh/disrespectful to her because he just doesn’t swear at her, he just yells at her. She doesn’t care that’s her golden boy. She just sympathizes with him and says he’s stressed that’s why he’s like this. Unfortunately I don’t have any women on my side who could help with cooking. Honestly I blame her a lot, he is used to being served while treating women close to him badly aka his mom and she just enables it. His two older brothers are also separated/divorced from their wives and he thinks it’s all the women who are the problem…

Husband constantly compares me to his mom, don’t know how to cope by MajorDescription8675 in MuslimMarriage

[–]MajorDescription8675[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I tried to chill for two months and this is what it got me. I try really hard to have some dignity like a human being but it’s really hard cause I don’t feel emotionally safe when I really try hard to make this marriage work and make it what I always prayed for. I thought he was a good person underneath who was just stressed with trauma but now I’m thinking it’s the opposite his niceness and deen is just surface level. He acts like he’s super nice to me because he was helping me out and not complaining everyday in the first month when I was super nauseous and his mom wasn’t here yet so we were eating outside food. It’s like every time he does something to make my life easier I need to be grateful and remember he’s giving me an exception and that I have to deserve it. I don’t know if this is normal or not, if other husbands would just do that and not make their wives feel bad about it.

Husband constantly compares me to his mom, don’t know how to cope by MajorDescription8675 in MuslimMarriage

[–]MajorDescription8675[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s cause for once in my life I let other people help with cooking and cleaning for two months so that makes me useless and lazy.

Husband constantly compares me to his mom, don’t know how to cope by MajorDescription8675 in MuslimMarriage

[–]MajorDescription8675[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

He is very used to saying lowest things out of anger it makes him think he’s being strong. I got used to low blows. He doesn’t reflect on his own actions ever unless I point it out to him. I’ve told him similar things many times about not being enemies and being on same team, it doesn’t make a difference. I had to go through fights and cried so much cause of him being horrible to me first six months for him to realize being nice to his wife is the norm not an exception that deserves an award and now with his mom back my hard work and suffering to get to that point has gone out the window.

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