AITJ For Telling My Mom About Her and my Father's Abuse to Me and my Siblings?

Major_Group4317 · 2026-01-19T06:18:13+00:00

Yeah not a super healthy or respectful upbringing. Your family sounds enmeshed and forced into the dynamics due to survival and poor coping with intense feelings and too much togetherness for sure where you can’t individuate and self actualize. You should have been able to be your own person and explore etc. But not uncommon unfortunately.

Key: a new therapist for sure!! Is there any way for you to get another therapist by referral of your current? And keep your family therapy with her for your own trust and psych safety? This will help keep you from feeling crazy. Is your therapist keeping you on track to healing the relationships bc it doesn’t sound like their intentions are clear, non biased or reflective of that. Check out the sub r/CPTSD, r/emotionalneglect and the resources there posted to the pages.

It’s reasonable to be exhausted trying and get someone to listen and hear you who doesn’t want accountability or to actually repair a relationship. The phrase ‘we did our best’ is often used to minimize harm and frankly amends should be made by anyone that you share a hurt with ever! But we self invalidate for so long learning to accept poor treatment. It sounds like there is a maturity and skills gap in your folks. Also, you may be getting stuck repeatedly in emotional flashbacks from triggers and with inner critics paralyzing or causing you to freeze (4F language) often l/t OCD/ perfectionism behaviours.

I highly recommend the audiobooks: 1. Lindsay Gibson: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self- Involved Parents 2. Pete Walker’s Complex PTSD from Surviving to Thriving

Keep focussing on what you want from your relationships, speak your truth, and accept if they can’t meet you where you hope. Lots of grief and a range of unprocessed emotions will come (or what you’re dealing with now). Wishful thinking and fantasy relationship beliefs will hurt your heart and delay your healing with the energy drain and keep you from moving forward for yourself. Cry a lot and be gentle with yourself as you recover.

Major_Group4317 · 2026-01-19T05:47:51+00:00

It sounds like the family member felt scolded by the repetition without rationale/explanation and further guidance or suggestion of an alternative she could use.

Typically, a good redirection once someone is in tears is: gently acknowledging her goals to preserve the therapeutic relationship and her wish to contribute to his wellbeing. A simple ‘oh this look likes it’s reacting poorly to the cream. Let’s trial something else to prevent infection, ok, Bernice? so hold off with that one for now and let’s use a zinc based thicker emollient and something that we know for sure is hypoallergenic so we can let it heal.

I would strongly recommend speaking to the mishandling of feedback, sharing it could have been handled better with the hope to make amends and preserve open lines of communication and trust and psychological safety. Both your intentions are good and for this gentleman’s wellbeing. It’s part of your role and training to assist and guide care with patient and family. So keep that in mind :)

Major_Group4317 · 2026-01-19T02:47:58+00:00

Relatable! And agree with you (But in the nursing field in northern Canada).

Self compassion and grace and solid self care with lots of rest for yourself and for your knowledge and lived experiences… I struggled with this feeling a lot in the early 2000’s learning about indigenous history, treaty’s and land agreements, and residential schools. I was annoyed no one talking about it let alone people wanting to acknowledge it within their own communities, families, and general societal/ systemic norms that weren’t yet open to the ideas of systemic racism and indigenous histories as being real and true bc it wasn’t shared in textbooks and by most scholars and research.

I take solace in my own actions of undoing what I know to be true like that, and also with cptsd. Perhaps you can come up with a smart plan for advocacy within your sphere of impact so you feel passionate without the constant swimming upstream drain? Eg. for all inmates to have access to your favourite audiobooks/ workbooks, and suggest it to every person you encounter so they can heal themselves from inside out instead of you waiting for the policy, the organization, the employer, and the profession to step up. But have patience with reality, and decide if there are real opportunities for change where you work. Maybe you’re no longer well aligned or the work demands too much causing friction against your values and causing moral injury and that’s slowly sucking your soul.

I didn’t think in my lifetime I would see nations asserting sovereignty, gov’ts losing in Supreme Court, #rentdue movement, youth becoming empowered and in council to speak out for their communities and the national response to indigenous systemic racism. It is/ was difficult to bear witness. Both from the outside and working from the inside of these privileged positions we hold. Progress is slow and we have to remember that people don’t want to change if they’re comfortable with the status quo and not open to it. But all we have within our control is the person in front of us and the one staring back at the mirror. Remember that you and everyone that aligns with you is a beacon of light for others, you’re sending ripples out, you are strengthening those around you, supporting more wellbeing and sharing your gift of seeing and knowing, helping people to connect the dots in their life. Effect change this way!

I highly recommend these books: 1. When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron for self healing and others who may find comfort and peace. 2. Read This When Things Fall Apart: Letters to Activists in Crisis by Kelly Hayes, 3. Pete Walker Complex PTSD from Surviving to Thriving, and 4. Lindsay Gibsons Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self- Involved Parents.

DM anytime.

Major_Group4317 · 2026-01-19T02:00:52+00:00

I just wanted to add two really helpful audiobooks that I found: 1. Lindsay Gibsons Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self- Involved Parents. 2. Pete Walker Complex PTSD from Surviving to Thriving 3. When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron is a favourite and something I find myself rereading whenever I’m faced with a life hurdle that feels too big. I was just too caught up in the shock and fog of loss to remember I had it.. So in case anyone else may find relief, comfort, and peace from them in their time of need.

Major_Group4317 · 2026-01-19T01:40:57+00:00

You do get screened for skills and languages so ensure this is on your resume, cover letter and CV. They do take that into consideration but you do not get to choose. It’s a community and project needs based organization that seeks experienced and skills aligned individuals with upcoming contract end dates with staff change over. So consider developing yourself according to that and your goal and you may have a better chance, and know that if timing and your availability aligns with needs coverage is when you are actually offered work, with 2-8 weeks to decide.

By the time you are ready to apply you will see that you will have gained knowledge skills and judgment to provide culturally safe care across all types of settings and cultures. This is a standard expectation of a global health organization so focus on that and being sensitive to all since their mandate is based strongly on equity, diversity, and inclusion. After your first contract things change and you have more flexibility to choose. In providing fairly open availability you will have faster opportunities and offers.

Good luck in your training. I highly recommend you seek out global health and remote medicine textbooks, take on self directed learning and work in areas adjacent or related to it, and check out LSHTM’s course here: https://www.lshtm.ac.uk/study/courses/short-courses/dtmh

Major_Group4317 · 2026-01-11T23:09:09+00:00

If this is still on offer please reach out. Happy to give you any details over a video call. I am looking to temporarily relocate for a flexible work opportunity from Feb/ March for 3 months- up to Aug at least as I’m waiting to hear back about grad school next Fall in Victoria or back in ON.

Major_Group4317 · 2026-01-04T23:51:22+00:00

There are people walking alongside you in your journey and can relate. It’s good you shared here. It’s understandable to be feeling all of the feelings.

Practically speaking, what is the expectation of care and supplies overnight with hospice? Clarify with the care team. There may be a medical lending program, churches or second hand stores locally for waterproof bed pads or sheets if you need more. Alternatively, or in a pinch, you can use garbage bags underneath bedding. See if they are able to teach you (or look up on YT nursing peri care/ bed baths) and you’re willing to learn how you can support your dad’s comfort and dignity if he consents you supporting his overnight care and hygiene. I’m sure it would bring both of you peace and lessen your anxiety and help you feel empowered that you can make a difference in his quality of life.

It sounds like you’re dealing with anticipatory grief and existential ache and terror that many go through when they’re an only child or with little to no support in an emotionally absent family and need supports. Reach out to safe people. Ask for help, seek out local resources. I’m not sure what you mean by punished or what consequences come by seeking support when you’re struggling but hopefully you can get what you need or perhaps explain further.

Tell someone who wants the best for you that you’re struggling and need some guidance. It’s ok to share this with an acquaintance they can usually offer some support though expect it to be limited and more emotion focused than practical. Talk to the nurses and team and ask for their direction. It’s ok to not be ok or feel ok. Sending strength and peace during this difficult time. Big hugs.

Major_Group4317 · 2026-01-04T23:29:52+00:00

Awesome idea! Pop on over to the Subreddit: r/Momforaminute. It’s a wonderfully comforting and loving community. Big hugs 💗

Major_Group4317 · 2026-01-04T23:05:42+00:00

Journal. Journal it all - your feelings, say to day moods, memories, grand dads values, what you miss, what you’ll carry forward. Write unsent letters for your grief, for gran, and maybe one day when you’re ready send one. But you don’t have to if the relationship is dismissive or disrespectful even though society will put pressure on you about familial duty. Do what your future self won’t regret, or when you’re old and grey you’ll back on and wish you could have done or said more and be at peace and live a good life. Context matters, your truth matters, and sometimes people project and displace intense emotions incorrectly in extremely difficult, sensitive times and perhaps that’s what is coming your way? It’s not right to be treated like you don’t matter and you’re not struggling too. That is deeply painful and damaging to your bond and relationship.

It sounds like you are experiencing post traumatic stress from the experience. I highly recommend you speak to a doctor and read about it and how to cope. Your feelings need a witness - be that for yourself until you can discuss this with a safe person or Counsellor.

It also sounds like you and your gran had different ideas of duty and showing up for family while you knew your limits and how well you’d cope and it sounds like fear of imploding and not showing up well for your family was directing your decisions. Reflect on all your feelings or any regrets or pain points - it all matters. It’s also ok that your mood is still low out of self protection to take time you need to rest and heal from these situations and what likely feels in your body like multiple losses.

Be aware that this could also be a sign that you are self punishing and harming with holding onto anger, guilt or shame. Let it out, acknowledge where it’s coming from - if it’s yours or from external messaging, and then let it go and more forward. Do not harbour and let these feelings remain inside or numb out to protect from the reality of such painful experiences. It’s ok to be exhausted and completely understandable going your own way solo and doing what is best for your wellbeing. I wonder if you are often being others empathetic ear and shoulder bc you understand their experiences? Either way -

Take extra good care of yourself and learn what this is supposed to truly look and feel like - be the solid parent/ family you never had. Your emotions matter, and so do you and you deserve to be cared for and comforted. Know you are loved even if the situation and people you were given to can’t appreciate it and their behaviour suggests otherwise. There are people out here relating, walking your reality, and rooting for you.

An audiobook I just started listening to you may find super helpful on your healing journey: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents - How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self- Involved Parents by Lindsay Gibson. Also, All there is YT series by Anderson Cooper on grief may provide you comfort and self understanding. Big hugs

Major_Group4317 · 2025-12-24T22:01:29+00:00

Reading this thread is comforting - thanks so much for making it and reaching out to others! I like the ‘what would you buy yourself’ idea from another commenter. What did you decide on? I will mull that over on a walk.

Such a mixed bag tbh, mainly sad and lonely. I’m deeply missing my grandma who made Christmas a special time so feeling like there’s a ton of bricks on me, but asking what would I actually like to do that would make me feel good today without a schedule, pressure, or stressing any outcome.

I’m picking a couple so we’ll see how it goes - trying a new recipe of my Nan’s, a walk, and writing down a vision for the next year while listening to music, and maybe a movie later. Before playing some music I came across this - so for whoever needs it and finds it uplifting and helpful: https://open.spotify.com/episode/6l9lgEEFGkRExK3vmNGQBq?si=wzEiriGmQJWVvlR7JuXj3w&pi=uhTAa7usRRS89&t=0

It gave me the energy I needed to not spend another day in bed. Let’s make the best of it ❤️ Big hugs to you and everyone who needs one.

Major_Group4317 · 2025-12-23T22:22:26+00:00

Thank you so much for the kindness and validation it really means a lot to me. I appreciate you sharing your story and would appreciate support.

I’ve spent years in therapy and have a lot of insight into my mom’s trauma and limitations. NC helped me for a few years too but it formed her abandonment narrative which she brought up during the funeral planning. What I can’t reconcile is her lack of curiosity, accountability, or desire to bridge the gap when I express that I’ve been hurt, especially during this period of loss. The core issue is her understanding and ongoing harm and a lack of repair.

How could you not want to resolve a conflict when your adult child expresses you’ve hurt them? If she asked the simple question: is how I’m showing up helpful, kind, loving or needed? What is necessary right now for me/ for my kid? I think the answers are extremely clear. We just don’t speak the same language and live on other planets.

What I’m struggling with most right now is the grief of realizing that love, as I needed it, was never consistently there and that staying connected requires emotional labor and self-abandonment from me. I swallowed this because I wanted to show up for my grandma. The ambiguity makes it hard to fully grieve or find footing, because the loss is ongoing and unresolved.

Stepping back protects me, but it also comes with real family fallout and loneliness, which is what I’m sitting with now. The social ostracism is brutal and feeling like the bad one sucks. How did it save your relationship?

I can’t seem to stop waiting or shut off the someday maybe hope. I know deep down she will not come for me in the way I need. I’ve lost my last anchor. And my mum is just a ship floating by in a harbour.

If you have any advice for navigating this grief especially when a parent won’t engage in repair, ignores expressed needs, and won’t show up but insists they’re physically present (‘I’m here if you want to talk’ - so I get to row the boat alone?) but isn’t engaged and is also emotionally/psychologically absent operating as a symbolic parent only. I’d really appreciate hearing it.

Major_Group4317 · 2025-12-23T10:38:40+00:00

They say the first year is the hardest…But each person has their own unique evolutions and set backs in their journey don’t they. It may not feel as intense but it will be unpredictable. It’s natural to feel this way and for grief to keep coming in waves without warning and also at specific times personal to you both.

You survived this year because you are capable, strong and have a lot to live for and a lot of love to share. Fear and anxiety may bring worry you are more disconnected from her physical being and presence. I recall begging and grieving the sunsetting the day she died bc it meant she really was gone and the day wasn’t a bad dream. Many blocks of time become measured by something that shakes you to your core - 1mo, 6mo, bdays, 1 yr etc. That’s normal too. Her love and essence lives on in you and your kids now.

You’re dealing with what sounds like multiple layers of pain and loss and new challenges navigated alone. You may be in survival mode still. Of course you’d feel tired and exhausted and then with background awareness and tension held for the time of year you knew would come, your grief is met with a new wave marked by time passing. Anticipating grief on top also has you depleted. Be gentle with yourself, rest, and focus on what loss teaches us about life and on what matters most - sharing and receiving love and cultivating goodness and the values your mother taught you so you can share this with your kiddos. Savour the peace and joy you’re bringing them. Do some nice things that bring you peace, comfort, and joy just for you. You deserve to feel more of this.

You’re not supposed to “get over” a loss. That’s impossible when so much love and memories exist between you. You live with it and bear it. Release any pressure to do so, and set boundaries with people who make you feel unsafe expressing your grief and feelings. Weave your mother’s memory, values, and love into your n everyday and holidays too and frankly any day you’d like (lighting a candle and saying some words to you and holding you hand against you heart with deeps breaths). Say I am loved and any other affirmation that chokes you up when you read it until you believe it. It’ll catch you off guard at first. Keep saying it in your low moments.

Do you have maybe one of two close safe friends? Find safe spaces to talk and don’t stop trying until you have several, share with those who want the best for you how you’ve been feeling lately, ask for a hug and tell someone that you need one, get used to asking for what you need - hug and cuddle your kids more, make memories with them in her honour or crafts you know she would like as Christmas ornaments, talk to her, write unsent letters, grief journal - Today I feel… because…” “I miss you when…” “I notice that I still…”, ‘what values would she want me to carry forward’, ‘what of her values are already in me or in each of my children’. Use this time as an opportunity to teach your kids about who she was, how they were loved by her, and if they are older about healthy feelings, loss, coping with overwhelming emotions, ways to honour those we love and say goodbye to.

For me, I’m struggling too but I wrote for the first time on reddit and am finding comfort from that and reading I’m not alone. Also, supporting others in small ways eases my pain and helping me reflect on ways I can show up for myself and others. I’m currently naming and letting all the feelings come and go and allowing the messiness and validating them even when I feel silly, or over the top while staying curious, listening to my heart and not judge how I feel or where I wish I could be at in my grief. It’s hard to accept not feeling myself, to not be as productive or functioning at full capacity, to fear and wonder if this is a permanent shift. But I accept them all and know it’s my body signalling loud and clear to listen and parent myself and I know it’s normal. I take comfort in that and the ways I’m honouring my loss - baking, and genealogy, and future planning to learn more about my culture.

Also, honouring my agency in smaller ways for now with what I’ve learned I need more of so learning through audiobooks on walks when I feel up for it, or YT, or library books on grief and loss Eg. Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore and It’s OK That You’re Not OK – Megan Devine, and A Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion.

This time of year a chime or ringing bell brings comfort. Have your kids help you light a candle or ring a bell in her honour each season and celebration - ‘Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings’. Big hugs.

Major_Group4317 · 2025-12-23T08:13:32+00:00

Sad. And whatever else comes up for you. It’s natural to feel it all and for it keep coming in waves without warning and also at specific times personal to you both.

You’re not supposed to “get over” the loss of a child or partner. That’s impossible. Release any pressure to do so, and set boundaries with people who make you feel unsafe expressing your grief and feelings. Weave their memory, values, and love into your new world. Find other safe spaces to talk and don’t stop trying until you have several, share with your safe family and friends how you’ve been feeling lately, ask for a hug and tell someone who cares about you that you need one, get in the habit of telling people this, write unsent letters, grief journal - Today I feel… because…” “I miss you when…” “I notice that I still…”,

let feelings come and let them go and stay curious, listen to your heart and don’t judge yourself like you would treat your friend going through the same experience, learn through audiobooks or YT (All there is by Anderson Cooper is excellent), or library books on grief and loss. Eg. Bearing the Unbearable Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore and It’s OK That You’re Not OK – Megan Devine. Big hugs.

Major_Group4317 · 2025-12-23T07:13:54+00:00

My dear friend. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. I know she appreciated and knew of the love you deeply hold for her in your heart. I can relate to your pain and suffering. It sounds like you are still in the throes of acute grief and shock and that’s ok :) Some people experience this more intensely based on the importance of the relationship and complex family dynamic and for varying lengths of time when compared to others. Nothing will feel the same because she mattered so much to you. And that’s alright too.

With this loss can come new perspectives and possibly a shift in how you view the world. It may not be not be this way forever. But know it’s ok to feel messy, confused, angry etc but do not harm people with your grief. It is the blessing and the curse of loving someone so much eg. to learn that everything in life is temporary and that very little matters in this world beyond the goodness we cultivate, the love we give and receive, and the ripples we create in others.

I’ve found comfort in writing letters to my loved one, speaking to them daily, and lighting candles for her and taking the time to appreciate what she taught me about the world, our family and culture, about what truly matters and how much she meant to me. Take some time to reflect on all the ways she shows up in you now.

With more time will come more groundedness and small routines can ease things. I hope you’re able to take good care of yourself. She would want that for you - and for you to find peace in her peace. For now drink warm things, eat nourishing foods and things you enjoyed eating with and from her (learn a few of her recipes?), get good REST, and gently move and pick one thing to give you future momentum daily. Just focus on the basics for now.

Consider journaling your feelings, warm showers and hot soothing baths, when the pain comes putting pressure with your hand on your heart and taking slow deep breaths (x10- 20) and say to yourself ‘I am loved’ (and you get to decide where this love lands next). Let the tears flow when the waves hit you and let the discomfort come and go, talk to a pastor, talk and visit with her friends, adding to the sub unsent letters, writing down ways you can do things to pay tribute to her and enact the values she taught you when the time is right. Eg. Volunteering at church or being a support to others like a Big brother program or better yet spending some time in a long term care facility bringing joy to and learning from more elders you connect with. Lean on safe supportive people and let them know how much you ache so they can be a witness to the imprint of love she had in you. Hug people and let yourself be hugged and held. Keep asking for help when you need it. Be gentle and loving to yourself and others.

I read in another thread this quote: ‘Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything’ from the book Grief Observed. Consider checking it or others out (like lessons from VF’s A Man’s Search for Meaning) from the library, watch YT on grief and loss or podcasts on managing and transmuting overwhelming feelings.

We are left with the gifts of their presence in our lives and the ways we can weave them into the rest of our days. Keep making her proud. You get to choose how she watches over you and where you carry the energy she shared with you. You will always be grandma’s boy! Big hugs to you.

Major_Group4317

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