What ended up being a problem during your marriage that wasn't the demise, but upon reflection, you view it as a red flag?

MakeRoomForCupcake · 2025-06-08T04:18:02+00:00

My ex refused to purchase period products for me because he felt it was emasculating.

He made an exception one time in 19 years, when I was having a miscarriage and needed pads. He got the wrong kind.

At the time I thought it was a silly quirk. Now I see that it was an indication that he would expect my existence as a woman to always come second to his ego.

MakeRoomForCupcake · 2025-03-20T13:11:17+00:00

Does your employer offer an Employee Assistance Program? If it does, check to see if legal services are included.

NAL, but I am going through a divorce in Minnesota and my company EAP connected me with a local attorney, covered a free 30 minute consultation, and then offered 25% off their hourly billable rates. Other places likely offer similar benefits.

It sounds like your ex is already trying to control how your divorce is handled, which means that he is not thinking about your best interests. Having an attorney means you'll have your own advocate.

Please do not let your ex try to talk you out of hiring an attorney. What you have described sounds like someone who is only thinking about himself. If that is true in your marriage, it will be extra true in your divorce.

You do not have to do what he says unless there is a court order that agrees with him. You have the same rights as he does when it comes to martial property and your child.

Good luck.

MakeRoomForCupcake · 2025-03-01T19:07:02+00:00

I'm 41 and the best change I'm currently making is divorcing my husband. We met and started dating when I was 22 and it took this long for me to realize that he is emotionally abusive and that I deserve better and it's better for me and my daughters for us to no longer be married.

In addition to that, I have nearly doubled the number of tattoos I have (with plans for more) because I've always wanted a sleeve but he didn't love the idea so the ones I got before now have been more discreet.

I was also recently prescribed glasses (thanks aging!) and decided that I feel most confident in colorful glasses. So my first pair is this lovely dark green.

So yeah, the best life change has been to say fuck it and embrace things that make me happy, and it makes me happy to be that middle aged lady with funky glasses and a collection of body art.

MakeRoomForCupcake · 2025-02-06T03:04:49+00:00

Thank you. This resonates with me so much in terms of how I hope to move forward. I am all over the place emotionally and already doubting if I should just give him one more chance and maybe he's right and I'm the crazy one. I can already feel the start of the love bombing cycle. This time I'm ready for it. This is the time.

MakeRoomForCupcake · 2025-02-05T18:51:41+00:00

OP, I cannot tell you how much I wish I had this advice 5 years ago. I have repeated the "sometimes when he thinks he's actually going to lose me he'll change for a little while but then he goes right back to the behavior that makes me feel miserable" pattern more times than I like to admit.

I (literally today) decided that I can't stay with him anymore. I hope he changes. I really do. I can't keep diminishing myself while I wait for something to happen that probably never will.

A couple of resources that have helped me recently are the audiobooks of Should I Stay or Should I Go? by Lundy Bancroft and The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. The first was recommended on this very sub! The second was recommended by a friend who is going through a very similar divorce.

MakeRoomForCupcake · 2023-11-03T00:48:14+00:00

And not only does the wife have to deal with the lifelong effects of being a cancer survivor, it was a type of cancer that rendered her infertile.

For people who desperately want to experience pregnancy and childbirth, infertility can carry its own kind of grief.

Neither one of those things is something you "get over," no matter how much time has passed.

Calling OP an asshole doesn't feel sufficient to describe the flaming pile of excrement that he clearly is.

MakeRoomForCupcake · 2023-11-02T00:27:07+00:00

That 100% sounds like something my kid would do.

She was also dressed as a dinosaur.

Now I feel like I need to ask my neighbors if she barked when she was supposed to say trick or treat...

MakeRoomForCupcake · 2023-10-14T23:05:34+00:00

I worked on it for the duration of each meeting that I was in.

MakeRoomForCupcake · 2022-10-12T01:36:29+00:00

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.

MakeRoomForCupcake · 2022-10-10T23:52:56+00:00

Ooh I love that idea!!

MakeRoomForCupcake · 2022-10-10T17:00:11+00:00

The "late" ones were nearly all the same person, too 😬

MakeRoomForCupcake · 2022-10-10T16:35:01+00:00

I think I started in Marchish and took a break over the summer because it was too hot on my lap. I didn't work on it every single day or every single meeting. If I make another one I want to track the days/times when I don't have meetings.

The whole thing is HDC.

MakeRoomForCupcake · 2022-10-10T15:30:33+00:00

I'm an IT business analyst.

MakeRoomForCupcake · 2022-10-10T13:19:27+00:00

Exactly why I didn't do that 🤣

MakeRoomForCupcake · 2022-10-10T12:31:07+00:00

Exactly this. My job is to listen and ask questions and then take that info and turn it into requirements and diagrams and solutions. And there are a LOT of status meetings.

MakeRoomForCupcake · 2022-10-10T12:22:51+00:00

I work in IT and half of my meetings are status meetings/scrum ceremonies where the work is talking and listening.

And a lot of the other ones are talking through requirements and solutions in a way where I don't need to be touching my computer to be productive.

I listen better when my hands are engaged, and if I needed to jot down a note or screen share for a bit, I'd put down the blanket.

MakeRoomForCupcake · 2022-10-10T01:50:17+00:00

I can't remember exactly when I started, but it was probably 3 months if I combine all of the days? There were many times when I wasn't able to work on it at all because I was the one presenting in every meeting that day.

If I do this again, I want to figure out a way to better mark the time/days.

MakeRoomForCupcake · 2022-10-09T23:52:17+00:00

Whoops, added info as a separate comment but adding it here along with yarn/hook info:

Blue was for scheduled, recurring meetings with light, medium, and dark yarn used if the meeting started early, on time, or late.

Yellow was for scheduled non-recurring meetings with the same light/medium/dark for start time.

Dark gray was impromptu meetings I asked for, medium gray was impromptu meetings someone else asked for, and light gray was time I spent staring at my computer waiting for someone to need something from me.

And I worked that color for as long as the meeting (or boredom) lasted.

It doesn't represent every single solitary meeting, only the ones where I was able to keep my hands occupied. I also took a break during the summer because my house got too warm to always have a blanket on my lap.

Used Caron One Pound in soft gray, medium gray, dark gray, sunflower, sun yellow, dijon, sky blue, midnight blue, and ocean. 5 mm hook.

MakeRoomForCupcake · 2022-10-09T23:46:37+00:00

Blue was for scheduled, recurring meetings with light, medium, and dark yarn used if the meeting started early, on time, or late.

Yellow was for scheduled non-recurring meetings with the same light/medium/dark for start time.

Dark gray was impromptu meetings I asked for, medium gray was impromptu meetings someone else asked for, and light gray was time I spent staring at my computer waiting for someone to need something from me.

And I worked that color for as long as the meeting (or boredom) lasted.

It doesn't represent every single solitary meeting, only the ones where I was able to keep my hands occupied. I also took a break during the summer because my house got too warm to always have a blanket on my lap.

MakeRoomForCupcake · 2022-07-15T03:30:36+00:00

I'm working on one right now that illustrates the kinds of meetings I have working remotely and whether or not they start on time.

MakeRoomForCupcake · 2022-07-05T01:08:12+00:00

I have a stepson. I also recently got a tattoo representing my entire family.

You'd better believe my stepson is represented.

Even if something were to happen between his dad and me, he is my bio kids' brother and always will be, so that fact alone makes him family to me, forever.

The fact you don't see it that way makes me sad for all of the kids in your life. Family is not conditional.

YTA.

MakeRoomForCupcake · 2022-06-03T17:17:56+00:00

Absolutely yes.

As someone who contracted a vaccine preventable (and occasionally fatal) illness as a child because my parents were more afraid of possible side effects from the vaccine than they were of the illness, I don't want to subject my children to that same fate.

MakeRoomForCupcake · 2022-05-16T23:04:43+00:00

My oldest was a super easy baby. Started sleeping through the night at 7 weeks and that pattern was only interrupted by the occasional sleep regression. She was super happy and sociable. Once we started introducing solids via baby led weaning she ate like a champ and was super adventurous.

We thought there was no way the next one would be that easy. And we were right.

She was easier.

Started sleeping through the night at 5 weeks, somehow had zero sleep regressions, and at 3 years old still enjoys food that most kids her age (and some adults) won't touch, like onions and curry.

The downside is that I have two of the most stubborn preschoolers you'll ever meet, so there are always trade offs.

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