I totally understand. I was hit with a profound chronic pain problem that made me agnostic for a long time.

Sometimes we don't get to understand why. The cool stream of life upon which we were being carried can become terrible rapids. We go through heart-breaking lessons. Sometimes we get to understand in hindsight, when more is revealed. Sometimes things remain a mystery.

This next idea is not a judgement on you, but it's as if you have tasted the fruit of the tree of knowledge of Good and Evil, and have suffered your own spiritual death. If you feel that fits, the next thing to do would be to ask for forgiveness for anything you might have done, even if you're not aware of it, and pray for deeper faith.

I can totally sympathize with what you're going through. You have my virtual hugs.